What I said I wanted last year:

• A more harmonious lifestyle, clean out my clutter and the clutter at mom’s, rid of many books and old papers and old clothes and redundant furniture.
  Definite progress – slow, but I’m making headway

• A tidy apartment so that I could have anyone over (overcome C.H.A.O.S. Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome – be a flybaby).
  Again, slow, but I’m making little strides.

• I want to cook nutritious meals 4 or 5 times a week – have a steady rotation of healthy meals that I make well.
  I’m not actually COOKING much. But I prepare healthy food every day. I need to learn a few meals (not just a can of sardines and a bowl of steamed cabbage), but the nutritious part I’ve got covered.

• Have NO credit card debt.
  I think I may pull this off by the end of the year. Miraculous how the universe is helping me with extra work opportunities right now so maybe I can make this goal.

• I want to be toned and weigh <140lbs and be a REGULAR exerciser, 3-5 times a week without belaboring the decision and falling off the wagon after each burst of discipline.
  I’m working on it. Using all the AA wisdom: One day at a time, etc, really helps. Making a little goal of hitting 30 days, rather than a big goal, also helps. Just do the next right thing. All this really applies to exercising daily.

• I want to be in school, successfully completing my masters and developing a good professional network of contacts and a stronger discipline and work ethic, and getting ready to start a great job – feeling confident and skilled and qualified for a great job.
  I am in school and I am progressing in the Masters degree. I haven’t networked much, but the internship I’m starting next week will give me at least one great contact, and I have one professor who’s a good mentor. Need to focus on the work-ethic and discipline part. Definitely feeling 100 times more confident about my ability to get a good job in the not too distant future

• During school I want to minimize debt by continuing to work part time on projects with David, and maybe also as a contractor or freelancer if I feel ready for that. Or rather I should say, I WANT to feel READY for that by this time next year.
  I GOT A P/T JOB THIS WEEK in my industry and some projects from David the next few months, which will help defray the cost of school SUBSTANTIALLY

• I want to have some friends who count to me, who really MATTER, and I want to count to my new friends. I want friendships that are gratifying, where when I need someone to talk to I can think of someone to call, and when they need someone to talk to, they think of me, too. And where we visit each other and/or go out and do fun things together. Fun, supportive, consistent friendships.
  Needs work, but I do have at least ONE semi-real new friendship that is gratifying. We don’t see each other that often but I’m making an effort to call. And I’m trying to nurture some other new friendships, but they’re shaky. This is tough, but I’m taking baby steps.

• I want to be in a healthy relationship with a really great guy. Or, at least, to feel positive and have an optimistic attitude toward the possibility of love and I want to enjoy dating and feel good about myself and my worthiness as a woman.
  No men on the horizon, but I’m WAY more optimistic and feeling so much better about myself, my vitality/attractiveness/femininity/options than I was last year. I don’t care at all that I’m 35. Odds shmods. I’m doing fine.

• I want to be comfortable with and excited and confident about the idea that I could manage (physically, emotionally, financially) to bring a child into my life – whether it’s with someone or on my own.
  Hm. I don’t know. I’m much closer to feeling this way, certainly. Whether I’ll be able to say this completely by the end of the year, I think probably no. But, I’m a lot more comfortable with the idea and I’ll probably be even more comfortable next year.

NEWER AND MORE IMPROVED (more realistic) top 10 goals to achieve by the end of the year.

• not writing
• aging/looks/body image
• being the sloppiest slob that ever slobbed
• lack of motivation/ambition/productivity
• career confusion/lack of achievement
• financial wreckage
• being single
• having few friends

There they are. My little parade of county-fair-blue-ribbon winning troubles. I’ve been obsessing about these for years, so much so that the worry and self-recrimination I’ve cultivated have come to seem like a big part of WHO I AM. This is not working for me. So, whatever’s happening with any of these issues, this is the year I accept it; resolve the torment even if I can’t manage to self-improve one iota. Let go the fear and judgment and desperation and whining and moaning. GIVE IT UP. Give it to God. I’m done.

1. Reach 90 consecutive days of abstinence from alcohol, sugar (except from whole fruits and veggies and raw honey), flour, coffee and dairy.
2. Reach 90 consecutive days of 30 minutes physically active each day.
3. Be able to jog 1 hour without stopping to walk and do 10 true push-ups (good form, chest fist-height off the ground).
4. Be able to count 5 friends who are important to me, with whom I am actively involved in nurturing a friendship (i.e. distant old friends I email 3 times a year don’t go on this list).
5. Be more consistent in practicing kind behaviors toward family (call M once a week, spend a little time on the phone with V at least once every two weeks, make a dinner and watch TV with T at least bi-weekly).
6. Get my cumulative GPA in grad school above 3.7.
7. Be more conscious/mindful about my procrastination habit: recording for each assignment this fall: deadline, time of beginning work, time of finishing work, and submission time. Keep a little notebook for these recordings and also write about feelings of avoidance when I am consciously procrastinating.
8. Do the Artist’s Way all the way through, but cut myself slack if it takes longer than 12 weeks.
9. Achieve objective, measurable improvements in brain health by the end of the year (by means listed in my 43t goals), as measured by performance on lumosity cognitive processing assessments.

I am recommitting.
Here’s the NEW AND IMPROVED (realistic) top 10 goals to be achieved by the end of this life-change year.

10. Work out a minimum of 60 minutes every day for 90 consecutive days (if I do it, it will be the first time in my life. I mean, maybe there was a period around age 1 1/2 when I was pretty active every day, crawling around, but not since then, so that would signify a hugely different lifestyle).

9. Be able to jog 1 hour without stopping to walk/catch breath and do 10 true push-ups (good form, chest fist-height off the ground)

8. Have 10 friends whom I have known for more than 3 months (I matter to them and they matter to me – people who would invite me to their wedding if they got married, or vice versa)

7. End the year with a cumulative GPA in grad school of 3.6 or better.

6. Have increased awareness of my procrastination (focused awareness helps dissolve even deeply ingrained patterns) by recording for every assignment of the fall term the following: assignment deadline, time of beginning work, time of finishing work, Rate of Perceived Exertion on the assignment (1-10), and submission date/time. To this end also track my time beginning to get ready to leave the house and time of arrival at meetings and classes, to include chronic lateness patterns in the data set.

5. Complete the Artist’s Way 12 week program all the way through, but give myself 10 days per chapter

4. Have 90+ consecutive days of abstinence from sugar (except what’s naturally in fruits and veggies), alcohol and refined flour (whole grains allowed)

3. Improve my brain health as measured by performance on some cognition test (still trying to figure out what testing instrument to use – I’m doing some research but if anyone knows of a good cognitive test that I could do once every week or two to observe trends, please offer suggestions)

2. Have a healthier, more loving, forgiving and generous attitude toward my family

1. Be in a good place, emotionally, feeling optimistic and reasonably at peace with myself on all my favorite chronic discontent and self-recrimination topics: writing, body image, slothfulness/laziness, housekeeping habits, career direction, social life and romantic prospects.

Oooooh. I just came up with that one and I like it! I don’t think I’ve ever had a goal of just getting comfortable with how I’m doing, resolving the torment about it, rather than trying constantly to resolve the perceived problems. The shift in perspective really hit a YES nerve in my gut. Yes…

I am really starting to use my pda to keep up with my schedule. I seemed like a lot of work at first, but it is working for me. And I like it.

Here, the vision I depicted of my totally different life, and progress report – 9 months in… I will say, I’m giving myself until the end of 2009 on this goal. All’s fair in love and goal setting.

My situation next year:

• Have a more harmonious lifestyle, clean out my clutter and the clutter at mom’s, be rid of many of these books and old papers and old clothes and redundant furniture. There is progress here. More to be done, but there’s progress. Most stuff out of mom’s storage, many things tossed. After this weekend, even more will be tossed, donated or given away.

• Keep a tidy apartment, so that I could have anyone over. Work on routines and cleaning habits.

• Cook nutritious meals 4 or 5 times a week – have a steady rotation of healthy meals that I make well. Fair. Cooking definitely more, but still need to work on healthier staples.

• Pay credit card debt. REALLY need some help here. I simply need more work. That needs to be a goal. And stay on top of invoicing. Be a good self-employer.

• Be toned and weigh less than 140lbs and be a REGULAR exerciser, 3-5 times a week every week without belaboring the decision and falling off the wagon after each burst. It’s not happening. The exercise is a real challenge for me. The diet is periodically easier. Got under 140 for a while. Back up to 148 now. The exercise is clearly a critical goal.

• Be in school, successfully completing my masters and developing a professional network of contacts. Have a stronger discipline and work ethic, and get ready to start a great job – feeling confident and skilled and qualified. I am in school. I am doing reasonably okay. I need to work harder. The discipline isn’t there yet. I haven’t done any networking. I need to do that.

• Minimize school debt by continuing to work part time on projects outside of school, and maybe also as a contractor or freelancer in some respect if I feel ready for that. Or, I should say, I WANT to feel READY for that by this time next year. The debt is escalating and there is little work to be had. It’s theoretically possible, by this fall, that I could TRY to start getting some work if I really focus between now and then on serious learning. This is another goal that needs specific attention.

• Have some friends who matter to me, and to whom I matter. Have friendships that are gratifying, where when I need someone to talk to I can think of someone to call, and when they need someone to talk to, they think of me, too. Where we visit each other and/or go out and do fun things together. Fun, supportive, consistent friendships. I have one great friendship that’s really blossomed this year and I’m proud of myself for nurturing it. I have another that’s fallen by the way-side, but I hope it will rekindle when she moves to Boston. I need to make some more friends, but I’m happy with some progress.

• Be in a healthy relationship with a great guy. Or, at least, feel positive and optimistic toward the possibility of love. Enjoy dating and feel good about myself as a woman. Well, hell! I went to Italy! I have enjoyed dating. It’s still a work in progress, but I do feel better about myself than I did last year – and certainly, CERTAINLY, I have freed myself from the thrall of years with Mr.BadNoWrongStopTurnBackNow. Good. Progress.

• Be comfortable with and excited and confident about the idea that I am ready and can manage (physically, emotionally, financially) to bring a child into my life – whether it’s with someone or on my own. Another urgent message from my unconscious the other night. I need to keep this goal in front of me. It’s a real hyper-focusing issue.

I am finally seeing progress. So much has changed. It’s good. I’m heading in a direction that finally seems right. Yay!

I don’t feel on track, so it’s time to do another survey of the landscape of my life and where I’m trying to get to.

Again, I really think maybe I need visuals. Maybe a vision board (which feels like such a chore to have to work on) is really a necessary kind of road map for a person who thinks visually and has a hard time holding objectives steadily in mind. Which I clearly do.

Here were my goals from a while ago, for hitting by my birthday, with a progress report:

OBJECTIVES FOR DEC 31, 2008

• Run 1 hour
  (not going to happen – currently on a 6-week unbroken gymless streak)
• Strong, fit, toned – Drop body fat percentage by 5%
  (not a chance – I’ve gained since I made that goal)
• Credit card debt (unfortunately can’t be eliminated. Just did the calculations today) reduced by $3G
  (ALRIGHT! Completed this last week. I’ve paid off $3G)
• Have new apartment near school in Boston – tidy and organized and ready for me to start school in a state of non-CHAOS.
  (on track with this, too. Found a lovely place and will be moving in by Jan 2 if not a couple days earlier.
• Be enrolled in school
  (YUP. I have my schedule and everything.)
• All of Rob’s remaining stuff out of my place, out of my storage, out of my mom’s garage. Gone. No remaining strings.
  (No progress on this one, yet.)
• One really rough draft of a novel COMPLETED!
  (Quit NaNo half way through… I did get some writing done, and have been continuing to work out plot ideas… at least I’m still thinking about it. I hope I’ll do a little more actual writing before my birthday. It’d be nice to feel some momentum about it.)

Overall I guess I’m batting 500 or so. Which isn’t that bad.

Back to my mom’s! OMG! But I am staying positive, and trying to remember that I am doing this sacrificially (like a small lamb, perhaps?) in order to get ahead in the big picture. I wanted to make a note to myself before I move, to remember to take advantage of my situation, instead of taking it for granted. My new situation will help me accomplish a lot of my key goals on here… such as:

• Work out regularly. There is a small but useful little gym in my mom’s apt complex and it is beautiful, boring and safe and hilly and green. I will take advantage of the walking trail and safe neighborhood, and get out there and get active!
• Simplify. I want everything I own to be useful or beautiful, and have all of my belongings meticulously organized in my space and all of my stuff in the garage. My mom wants this for herself too, so I think it will help me to help her organize too.
• Keep my car washed. There is a car port for car washing, so I can get out and wash my car in the beautiful sunshine for FREE!
• Pay off debt. I am reducing my expenses so that I can address my debt (gulp) and finally begin paying it off. I will not take any extra money I have and spend it frivolously. I will be more mature and continue keeping track of earnings and spending.
• Stop drinking. I can’t drink around my mom, so for the first time I am putting myself in a better position to achieve this goal with continued success. Because I want to, not because I have to.

I am moving! YAY!

It’s amazing how time keeps on going by, and life keep changing, mostly not because of me. I am tired of being reactive to life and want to be more proactive. I have made a huge decision that makes me nervous, but actually more excited. I am going to move back in with my mom. My new little living situation is okay, and although I love living on my little rooftop studio apartment by myself for the first time, I have decided to sacrifice now in order to progress more long term. (OMG how utterly mature of me… who is this person writing this?) I don’t want to live with my mom (although we do get along really well), she is still my mother and has a tendancy to drive me crazy. I have to remember that I am not moving back home out of failure, or that I cannot support myself. I am deciding to do this so that I can PAY OFF DEBT and save money in my living expenses. My goals for having a totally differnet life have narrowed themselves down into:

1. Pay off Debt (so I don’t have this horrible feeling of baggage hanging over me, and that I can take responsibility for my past mistakes and start fresh)
2. Lose weight and get into better shape
3. Go back to college.

So, I am swallowing my pride and movin’ back home. (gulp) I just realized that it has been five years since I last lived with my mom, and I have lived in five different places since then! (Vegas, Carson City, Garden Grove, Fountain Valley, and now here in Long Beach). I am moving next week (Holy crap) and I am really needing to buckle down and focus. I don’t want to fall back into my old ways, and although I fear this, I truly believe I am a completely different person than I have been in the past. I am going to use this time to work hard on me and capitalize on my mom’s help as opposed to letting her enable me and my negative habits. My HUGE number one goal is to pay down my debt as much as possible. And get back into shape. And then enroll back in college after my debt is in control. There are actually a lot of positive to living with my mom, so I am going to focus on that instead of what scares me or my loss of a bit of independence….

• Being able to walk more- my mom lives in a more spread out suburb, with parks (!) and beautiful hills and green trails. It is much safer than where I am living now, and I can just get out and walk.
• I have a new work out buddy to walk with or lift weights (my mom wants to lose 60 lbs.)
• SAVE money and pay down debt. And I am helping my mom in giving her a few hundred dollars a month. It’s nothing for me, in compared to my usual $1000+ expenses this year, and I think it’ll relieve a bit of financial pressure for her.
• Closer to Irvine (huge corporate jobs abound), and finding a full time job with benefits will be easier, and close!
• Eat better… my mom eats lots of fruits and veggies and will motivate me to eat better!

So, I am excited and nervous. My mom and I are so much alike that we have a tendancy to enable each other with our same negative traits (procrastination, laziness, eating out), and then we quickly swing into getting excited about change and goals and losing weight… but then it tends to not last. I am committed to being a positive influence on her, and putting a huge concentrated effort on myself, so that I can move out within a year, with a fresh start.

Oh! I got this incredible book yesterday at Starbucks that is called “5: Where will you be five years from today?”. It is gorgeous and bound in my favorite color sage green material. My dad has been shoving this concept of a ‘five year plan’ down my throat since I was an infant, and although I have been avoidant of it, I think the concept is right. I am so excited to work on it, as it is a creative workbook… with inspiration and quotes and wonderfulness like that. (Let me know if my fellow Totally Different Life girls want one, and I’ll run down to my Starbucks and see if they have other copies! And send you one!) The back inside cover has one little simple quote that says, “Right now is a good time.”

p.s Note to self: I am going to go back thru all my entries with this goal soon and update my goals and make them more clear for this next, new stage in my life.