get over him

I think all the gals on here should do this exercise. I just did it and it brought me a lot of hope.

I listed all the guys in my life who affected me in the way where it really hurt to either break up, or to be rejected by them, or some sort of negative separation that placed me in a place of grief, sadness, a sense of depression. Even just the painful little crushes in my life of people who I could never have.

I realized some of them I had COMPLETELY forgotten about. They don’t even exist in my mind unless I try to remember them. There was a point in time when I was consumed emotionally by each of these people thinking I would never get passed it, or that I would always ‘love’ them, or long for them, or feel a sense of loss whenever I would think of them. But now, I am free. Completely emotionally free from every single one of them. In fact, trying to think about them got in the way with my affection for the one I am trying to let go of now. It was a reassurance that I will be placing my current heartache in the same category one day. I won’t even care to have him in my life at all and it won’t even cause any bitterness either. I will love again, and it will be for keeps one day. And the person who I am grieving out of my life now? Will not even be a thought unless something reminds me of him, but I will be just fine with it. I will no longer have any attachment to him whatsoever.

I have entries from my last heartache in this goal. I don’t even think about the guy anymore. AT ALL!!! I will look back and read this one day too…(hopefully because I am just curious, not because I am going through another heartbreak) and realize I don’t even think about this one anymore either.

We have hope gals!!! Never give up hope from a lost ‘love’. Life goes on. I am so enthused about my future. Each new experience makes me feel like a completely different person. Who I am now, will be different then who I am in the future. Different thoughts, different feelings, different perceptions of myself and my immediate life.

I love that the Bible says…..”and this too shall pass”. Someone had used that to comfort me about a lost love many years ago, and you know what? They were right. It did. And even this…..this too shall pass.

Much love and comfort to my sisters in their current heartache and pain. I am right there with you sharing it, being in the middle of it. We will get through this. :)

Wow, I really need to let this go. This really is an unhealthy situation for me. It is really hard, but right now, the thing that comforts me is that I am telling myself that I have been here before and I have survived it. I have lived through the anxiety of loss, the feelings of panic, grief, sadness and depression, and I got over all of it. I think about the people that I was attached to in the same way and how I feel about all of them now, and I have no attachment to them at all any more. I really am OK. I don’t even have any desire for them whatsoever. The sadness for them is gone, the feeling that I need them is gone, the sentimental reminiscing thoughts that usually bring pain because of the reminders of them is gone, and in this situation, it will all be gone one day too. I will look back and realize that I lived through this one too and I will pretty much never think about him again except when times come up like this, or perhaps visit a place down the line where we used to go, but, I will be a different person then. I will have outgrown him. I will see that giving this up is the best thing for me. It is really hard though because right now, he is still inside the heart and in the present. I am used to him and it is difficult to break a habit, even though it is bad for me. He isn’t good for me at all. UGH. It is just hard to carry it right now. I will be grateful on the day when I am over this hump, whenever that will be. Sigh. It might be months from now, even a year or more from now. That is hard to swallow, but it will come. It will, but for now, I am sad.

The situation I am in now is with someone completely different than before and the situation itself is different too.

I am not here to necessarily get over a heartbreak here. I am just trying to do what is right and healthy for me which might be to let myself drift away from this person.

He isn’t a bad guy at all. He is just emotionally unavailable. We are also from different spiritual beliefs, so I feel a part of me is trying to compromise with God.

What I have been doing is living out a fantasy with this person. He is a fairly well-known actor/writer/director and 11 years ago, he was on a television show that I used to watch and I had the BIGGEST crush on his character. I couldn’t believe it when here it is 11 years later and we are in a relationship. He isn’t anything like his character was whatsoever which is a huge disillusionment but sobering in a healthy way. Sure, I get his face to look at, and also get to be in a position that many women would covet, but it really is about the character that makes a fantasy real.

I know he likes me a lot. He has told me, we have periodically mentioned possible future plans and he has no desire to see anyone else. But, we are just so different in our relational needs that it is frustrating. I mean FRUSTRATING!!! He’s just not a very emotionally open or giving person. He is terrible at reciprocation. He is just so used to everyone giving to him and initiaing everything because of his notoriety. Don’t get me wrong, he does say some very nice things without being provoked. We have great conversations and have a lot of fun with playful banter, but what is lacking is the emotional intimacy. I just don’t feel like he is willing to really let anyone into his heart at all. It has been almost a year now and there really isn’t much progress in that area. I am open to seeing other people and he knows that I have left myself open to that. It is just hard because I do have an attachment to him, but I am slowly letting myself break away. I want the best for me. It doesn’t matter that he has notoriety and has female fans drooling all over him. Yes, it does make me feel good that he isn’t interested in any of them, and even lets them know that he’s involved, but still, so much is missing, and I think perhaps I might need to move on.

Hey! It has been so long since I have been on this site!
Time can really heal a broken heart.
I have been completely over him for sometime now.
I was just thinking about some things and then this site came to mind.
My heart is now 100% open to someone new and I would never want him back.
It feels liberating.
I can laugh about it all now.

Ok, so I did the hardest thing.
I finally told him that if his intent with me is only friendship then it would be best if he didn’t call me anymore. That was tough.
I sent it in an e-mail.
I really don’t expect to hear from him.
Pride tends to get in the way of a man even if he does think he has intentions. He doesn’t want a woman to make the decisions.
So, if I end up hearing from him again, it will be a miracle.
I’ll be alright if I don’t.
I was disappointed that the date with the other guy I went on didn’t go so well.
I wasn’t attracted to the guy and I kept thinking of “him”.
I hope I meet the right one very soon.
Right now I feel sad.

Wow! I can’t believe it. This week I put everything away. We went to Napa Valley in October and I brought back some champagne flutes. Mom told me to keep them just in case things worked out and I could have them engraved for our wedding. Well, I committed him to God this week and to make it serious, I broke the glasses and threw them out. Also, I put all of his letters and even the necklace he gave me from Tiffany’s away in a strong box in the back of my closet to let myself move on. The last time we spoke was about 2 weeks ago. To me it was closure. He asked me if he would hear from me again. I told him I needed to guard my heart. So he said “I guess that means I won’t be hearing from you.” He was the one that told me he didn’t want to pursue anything more than friendship and I told him that was too hard for me.
This past weekend I was housesitting for some friends. I checked on my personal website for mail. He used to check in every day. Of course since our call he hadn’t checked in at all. But on Saturday, he left me a message. He asked how I was and updated me on his life. Weird. Then all of a sudden I get this call out of the blue from him. He tracked me down!!!!! I guess my Mom gave him the number. Apparently he had been calling all over the place trying to find out where I was. Funny, it is like he sensed that I was deciding to move on. Well, we spoke. It was friendly. He didn’t want to get off the phone with me, but I told him I needed to go several times to get things done. He was disappointed, but I eventually told him that I really needed to go. It was just all so weird. He made so many comments that were complementary and as though he had been thinking a lot about me. Well, I liked the fact that I wanted to get off the phone with him. In fact girls, I have a date with a great guy this week. I am looking forward to it.

I realized what the problem is with most of us gals…
Most of us have been the one “dumped”.

I have read some entries of people who have been agonizing for years over someone and made some conclusions…

It is the fact that we don’t want to HAVE to get over him that keeps us suffering longer than we need to. We weren’t given the option. We hate that we were placed in a painful situation that we have no control over. It is the fact that the other person is the one with total control over the situation that makes it so hard. So, some gals suffer longer than they need to because they don’t want to HAVE to get over him. It just doesn’t seem fair does it? It is a choice to finally surrender to the fact that we have no control and no power over the other person’s decision. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it sure puts things into perspective. We still hold on to hope because we don’t want to admit defeat. We still LOVE them. Do we really? Or are we just being selfish? To really love them is to be able to let them be free and allow ourselves to feel the pain of love lost. To be a real lover is to be complete and entirely whole on our own without pining over someone who doesn’t want us anymore. It is a tough pill to swallow. I hate it too. I don’t want to HAVE to get over him either. I hate that he placed me in that position. I still want to be able to give my love to him and have him give his love to me, but he won’t allow it. So, I must choose defeat.
In doing so, I am allowing myself to love again.

God Bless you girls!!

Wow, he responded to my e-mail. He asked me if I felt we couldn’t maintain a friendly correspondence with him to please let him know.
We actually spoke on the phone last night after almost 3 weeks. It didn’t go well, but in actuality it DID go well. For ME that is.
I wasn’t left just to imagine his tone of voice in everything, I actually got to HEAR it. It was SOOOOOO insensitive. He feels no remorse for anything. He led me on, but he won’t fess up to it. He also wouldn’t communicate with me, and he wouldn’t fess up to that either. This was the FIRST time we really DID communicate. It showed me that I DON’T WANT HIM!! WOW! I could never live my life with someone who believes he is NEVER wrong. In our conversation I confessed to those things that I did wrong and apologized for them. I LISTENED to him and didn’t debate. When it came to be MY turn, all he DID was debate. I believe I am a very good communicator and I learned last night, he is not. He isn’t looking for a healthy relationship, he is looking for a happy doormat with no feelings.
Then, he had the nerve to want to discuss theological issues with me. I used to listen to him in awe. This time I put on the guns and had a rebuttle for everything I believed was unorthodox. At the end of our conversation he said…. “You know, if you ever want to write me, its ok. Keep me updated on the things you are studying.” I responded with “Are you kidding me?” He said “I guess that means I won’t be hearing from you.”
So, I went to my computer this morning and recieved 3 e-mails from him on his theological views….. Whatever.

Well, I stood up for myself today with him.
He sent me this “what have you been up to? I have things to share with you” e-mail almost 2 weeks ago. That is the last I have heard from him. I DID respond a few days later with a brief light hearted response. Since then he has only given me a “kudos” on a blog that I wrote a few days ago. Today, I sent back his initial e-mail with a message asking him to not make me look and feel like an idiot by sending me e-mails that he has no intention of responding to after he hears back from me. I told him I am not a doormat and asked him to grant me some respect and dignity. I also said that if I knew he wasn’t going to reply, I would never have responded. It’s inconsiderate. I feel strong for standing up for myself. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Funny how I thought that I was the one that was lonely when I thought about him. Today, I look at my life in comparison to his and I have so much more in my life than he does. I have so many more people in my life. I have so much more energy filled events on a regular basis in my life. I have healthy connections during my week. My job is full of excitement! My church is awesome and I get to serve ALL the time! I thought about his life. He goes to work, maybe has dinner with friends once a week and most of the time he is alone in his cold (yet very stylish) home. He has to drive 80 miles every weekend to see his family and friends and his church. Mine is about 2 miles away!!! I felt so much better when I viewed my life today. I have so much. I am grateful to the Lord. I have a house full of people and even a wonderful pet to love. He doesn’t have any of that. I felt sad for him.