question each expenditure of time and/or money, as often as possible, asking myself, "Does this choice make me closer to or more distant from who and what I want to be?"

It’s the answering, or how I sometimes respond to the answering, that is a bit more problematical.

When I am spending time or money on something that DOESN’T take me closer to whom I want to be, and I am conscious of that but determined to do that anyway, even knowing this… well… where’s that at? I suppose that’s the Part 2 of this goal… something like:

”... and, when the answer is ‘More distant’ and I choose not to act on it, ask myself “Why?” “

Wise in terms of doing income-generating work, instead of postponing it and angsting myself like crazy.

Now how did playing that utterly brainless computer game on and off today take me towards ANYTHING, in ANY area, that is important to me?

Just asking, FF.

it’s just constant choices.

Like, every minute.

Nothing stands still. Time passes.

Who do you want to be, ff?

It’s in your hands, at least, to a large extent.

Go sprinkle some stars in your hair, ff.

Hey, Team! What’s up? How’re you doing? Got any particular goals for this week?

The challenge with a sweeping goal (like this one) is, I find, breaking it down into small daily steps.

My step for today will be: expend some time on giving my body the work out it really wants…

Have had a couple of no-spend days in a row (probably largely because I didn’t go out)as far as $ concerned… My time could perhaps have been better used… but you know, I stubbornly insist that not only did I LIKE what I “wasted my time” on, I think it maybe has/had a direct line to my uncoscious, creative self, and that I will work all the better for this slight deviation into the visual and tactile…

Made a few incremental non-expenditures by conscious choice… as well as a few expenditures, equally conscious (though not necessary and probably I should be in a don’t-spend-anything-at-all mode for awhile).

Should, should, should, should.

I would like to be at the place where I don’t feel a twinge of guilt every time I make some minor purchase. I am as far from that place, though, given my current status, as I am from having 6 months living expenses saved!

Not spending (in the case of going to a reunion and staying overnight at a hotel vs. driving, attending reunion, and turning around and returning same day, thereby saving $100 or so) takes me closer to what and who I want to be.

But spending $6.17 on art supplies (I just added it up) at the local outlet place also took me closer to who and what I want to be. Even though I feel guilt at ANY monetary expenditure right now.

I DID however choose to spend an open window of time working hard and efficiently and getting an assignment completed and in in timely fashion.

Hey, all you freelance wannabes out there… here’s the deal. Maybe 8 hours work, $1K. This particular outfir, better about paying than many, takes 4 to 6 weeks to get the check to me. Sigh.

(See my goal # 33 for details on this notebook / calenar / logbook). I titled the page (hand-stamping it in various typefaces) TRACKING THE ENERGY. I added an image of a compass in one corner, which is a potent symbol to me, since knowing and holding on to “who and what I want to be” is my personal True Nort. And questioning my actions is the compass by which I see where I’m going. The edge of this page, in its narrow outer margins, I have, in a vertical line, from lower edge to upper, the following words, also hand-stamped:

time $ time $ time $ love $ brightness $ love

Hand-stamping is time-consuming; you have to think about each letter of each word, and place it carefully, and spell it correctly… rather meditative and drawing on the visual, more intuitive side rather than just the strictly rational.

I decided that this page would not be divided like a table with vertical columns, as I’d done on some of my other keeping-track pages (there are, thus far, 5 of them, which loosely draw on the underlying issues and themes of most of my major 43T goals). Rather, I am just writing entries, run into one another, dated with a slash mark between them, and noting where I feel like a particular expendiiture took me. ( I think this page lends itself to less fixed categories than some of my others).

Today: one MAJORLY good (meaning taking me closer) expenditure, 1 minorly good one, 1 minorly away from.

Not bad, and I enjoyed tracking it.

The very act of tracking makes me observe and do the all-important asking rather than just floating along like an undirected piece of kelp in the ocean.

because, being self-employed, time really IS money.

And I need to generate some, a royalty check having rolled in at about a third of what I had budgeted.

Since “who and what I want to be” includes someone who has integration and integrity both artistically and financially, looking at my use of time is essential at this moment.

Good time spending: in the gym for an hour & 45 minutes.

Good non-$ expenditure: not eating out at the Indian place or the Chinese place; going shopping & driving home & fixing my own dinner.

Another positive choice: when I wasn’t quite ready to go to the gym, I browse-shopped at a new TJ Maxx-type store… saw many lovely clothes… did not buy a THING. This gave me just enough zone-out time to feel ready and up for gym.

Was the $35 I spent at Staples wise or foolish? It depends on what I do the supplies I bought…

going off today for the dreaded long-postponed coloscopy. Got sort of freaked yesterday, but feeling good today.

For “does this choice take me closer to who or what I want to be?” YES. However long I circle on this earthly coil, I would like to be healthy and responsible, and this is a step (or a shove?) in that direction.

Even my anus and digestive tract are not exempt from being part of the Big Picture I want to paint as my best possible developing self. Hmmmm.