tell 43 things about me

Aimee reminded me of this entry, which seems so weird and long-ago now. I wanted to see how different this goal turns out now – fun for a procrastinatory Friday!

1. I’m into learning and mental workouts. When I’m not doing those things, I feel like I’m dead.
2. I love going to see bands at small, cool clubs and dread the day when I’m too old for it.
3. I like to think that the reason I’m sad when a band I like gets popular is that they will never play the venues I like anymore, and not because I am a jackass indie snob. The truth is probably a little of both.
4. I’m pretty generous with my cash, a little less so with my time.
5. I’m less about the benjamins than most people I know.
6. But more than I once thought I was.
7. I studied French very seriously for a very long time, but with the goal of reading literature rather than getting by in Francophone countries.
8. And to this day, my grammar is excellent and my conversational abilities laughable.
9. I’m trying to get better at Spanish, which I’m much less shy about speaking despite (because of?) my perfunctory knowledge.
10. I don’t really enjoy Law and Order: SVU anymore, but I keep watching partly because I’m in love with Mariska and Chris, and partly because it’s cozy and familiar and the one show that I like and my husband doesn’t.
11. I don’t really care if my science is that great, but I cry if one of my articles goes to press with an obvious spelling or grammar mistake.
12. This is because I have internalized the judgment of my relatives, living and dead, none of whom (except my sister) are scientists but all of whom have impeccable spelling and grammar. Even though none of them will ever read my articles beyond the abstract.
13. I don’t have problems with clutter, spending, substance abuse, or organization.
14. I have minor problems with overeating and serious problems with time management, the Internet, and procrastination.
15. I successfully switched to decaf about 6 months ago when I realized that caffeine’s positive effects were all in my head and the negative effects were keeping me up at night. I am now just as addicted to decaf as I was to caffeinated.
16. I no longer wish I could switch to tea, because all the cool kids gave up and switched back to coffee anyway. Hah!
17. Plus, I like to think I’m an unfussy girl, and it doesn’t get unfussier than paying $1 for a cup of joe and drinking it black.
18. I still have no idea what to do with my life.
19. But I am totally looking forward to my professor gig!
20. I’m ambivalent about doing research, and my feelings about it are completely inextricable from fluctuations in self-confidence.
21. When I was 14, I became boy-crazy for the first and possibly only time in my life and made an ordered list of the 7 or so boys I liked.
22. I then dated the #1 guy for 2 years and the #2 guy for…oh my, are we really up to 10?
23. #3 is now a Wall Street douchebag (I think), so I’m hoping #2 lasts :)
24. Don’t let #22 fool you – I am not hot. Just determined :)
25. I am unhealthily paranoid about driving on a flat tire without knowing it. I did actually do this once, too, and there’s nothing worse than a slightly substantiated paranoia.
26. The right passenger door of my car is busted. I have actually fucked it up on 2 separate occasions, which to my mind justifies not paying to fix it. But it’s starting to rust where the paint chipped off, so sadly, I will have to do something about it. See? Unfussy.
27. On the other hand, I am fussy about my shoes. You will find me leaving the house in crappy flip-flops once a month tops.
28. I’m addicted to the feminist blogosphere.
29. Overhearing other people’s conversations makes my skin crawl and makes me absolutely crazy. And yet I ride the bus sans iPod.
30. I worry a lot. And then I worry that I’m turning into my mom, who worries a lot.
31. I’m still proud of my wedding, which was the cheapest “traditional” wedding ever, but you would never guess it.
32. The dress was $75. Tax included. The shoes were $6.
33. Quite a few of my good friends from back home have moved to the place I live now, and it makes me spectacularly happy every time.
34. I’m trying to take more responsibility for myself rather than just complaining. It’s quite a project.
35. Someone I knew in high school got famous in the past few years, which is weird but mostly AWESOME.
36. I have never owned or used a curling iron. Unfussy!
37. On the other hand, my toenails are always painted.
38. I met my oldest friend in first grade. We were sitting next to each other in class when the teacher said, “Clear your desks”...and we made fun of people who still had their elbows on the table. Not much has changed.
39. About one time in three, I have real problems getting those produce bags to open at the grocery store. My fingers are not moist enough, or too moist, or something.
40. I can’t and won’t dance unless I’ve had like 5 drinks. And then I will dance, but probably still can’t.
41. The thing I hate most about grad school, at least the project I work on, is how easy it is to go for long periods of time without talking to anybody. I think that’s why I’m wary of research labs.
42. I have eyelashes growing out of the inside corners of my eyes, and it freaks me out.
43. I’m not persistent enough.

Ok. You fine people who have called me brave have brought me to write something that I’ve held back for so long. If you know me, and if this applies to you, and you want to find me to talk, it shouldn’t be hard to do.

Here goes.

I am deeply, truly sorry for having hurt people in my past.

I have done things that I was not proud of then and of which I am not proud now. If I could change what I did to have done things differently, I would. I was immature, and self-centered, and had so much to learn about how to treat people.

If I thought that finding you, emailing, calling you, or visiting you could give me a way to make amends, I would. But there is no guarantee that it would help and so much chance that it would just make things worse. I’m sure I’m bothered by some of it more than you are after all these years, and it would be nothing but selfishness on my part to try to find you to try to apologize.

This open “letter” will have to do for now. Please know that if nothing else, I am a better man than I have ever been and while I am certain to continue to make mistakes, those that I made with you were not lost on me. I have learned, and I try everyday to be a better, more compassionate, kinder person and you are a part of that.

That can’t make up for it, nor is it meant to. But if it is worth anything at all to you, I am, truly sorry.

I just wrote #42. I’m on the last one. I’ll bet the poor folk on this team with me are plenty ready for my last entry.

When I started this goal, I was really reluctant to write much about my personal life or beliefs. I was afraid of getting into heated debate. I was afraid of exposing myself too much in a public forum.

Now, after exposing myself 42 times, I’m not sure I can stop.

Wait… that didn’t sound right.

I’ll be a little sad to see this goal finished. Far from being attacked, ridiculed, shunned, stoned, rasberried or ignored, I’ve received so many thoughtful, amazing, wonderful comments on these entries. I have become addicted to the people on this site. I have become more open and sharing and willing to tell you strangers enough about me and read enought about you all until we are no longer strangers.

We’re not strangers who have never met.

Thanks for helping me grow up with this goal.

For saara

This is a really hard question. You didn’t ask what qualities I look for in a friend, but rather what is the most important quality.

I’m not sure that there is any one quality that is necessary and sufficient for me to call somebody a friend.

Philosophically speaking, there are things that I respect and desire out of friends. I want my friends to be conscientious and aware that their actions have consequences. I have a difficult time with the callous and clueless. I like people to care for others and to be aware of others’ needs. I very much appreciate people who do what they say they are going to do. People who make commitments and casually break them are generally not going to be on my short list of people I count on. Though, quite honestly, I have people in my life that I would count as friends on whom I would not rely because they don’t do what they say they are going to do.

I like people who have a good sense of humor which to me means we both enjoy each others’ jokes. I find them funny; they find me funny. I don’t care for people whom I cannot make laugh.

In terms of world view, I have had good friends with whom I disagree politically, socially, spiritually, religiously but whatever their beliefs, to be a “friend”, they can’t be (overly) judgmental. I have to believe they have heart and they’re trying to walk a path with heart.

Empirically speaking, looking at my good friends, they have many different qualities. Can I find one in common to them all such that we can call that the most important? I think I can say what they aren’t; I can’t abide people who are assholes. If you are constantly trying to get more than your fair share, and you don’t care about the people around you, you are not a friend of mine.

My friends are:

Caring. Kind. Capable. Funny. Joyful. Honest. Loyal. Conscientious. Judicious. They have integrity. They are on some path with heart, even if they don’t know it yet.

I guess if I have to pick one quality, I’ll try to cheat a bit and pick one from which many of those things must naturally flow.

I look for people who are loving.

For catherineaq

“Wholeheartedly” is a hard word. “Public eye” is also a difficult term.

But, here goes. Close as it gets.

Yvon Chouinard, founder of Patagonia. I admire him because he made a business related to what he loves. He is self-taught. When he didn’t like the effect his product was having on the environment he loved to play in, he stopped creating that thing despite it being profitable.

He then re-invented his business.

I admire him for finding new ways to make his business succeed but always with “doing the right thing”, environmentally and socially at the top of his list. For him, the standard corporate drive to maximize profits is no way to run a business.

I respect the motto “Consume less. Consume better.” I strongly believe that people who buy crap that they’ll throw away in 6 months versus something even considerably more expensive that they’ll have for the rest of their lives are crazy. I think they’re crazy and that they ought to stop and think for a moment. So, I guess I agree with him since he’s more famous than I am and probably said it first anyway.

I admire the way he treats his employees. They can leave their desks, grab a board, and surf when they want to. This makes them MORE productive. They can take two paid months off to go work for a non-profit.

If only there were more companies that were run like Patagonia. Create less, create quality. Do it in a way that protects the environment as much as possible. Pay out a portion of your profits to environmental causes as a way of making up for the damage that you cannot avoid. Put your people first. Treat them well and with respect. Do good works.

For annabanana

I would be a Hippogriff because they are impossible. They are the union of natural enemies… or rather, preditor and prey and as such they are also a symbol of love.

So, basically, the impossible can be overcome if there is enough love, or as I would rather think, the love that you already are can win out over your notions of possible and impossible.

Yeah, sappy, I know, but I like love.

For Faith

Cloning.

I have nothing against cloning from a religious or scientific standpoint. I think that traditional procreation is basically a form of cloning anyway. My worry is that as plants and animals are cloned, our industrio-corporate machine will own patents on (more) living things and the designs to living things. It could be that I’ll have to pay a royalty for my green eyes, just like the idiotic software patents we’re seeing now. Royalties for flyaway menus?

I already fear for us with the patents on seeds that companies like Monsanto own. When they own dairy cows, it’s going to be very sad for the cows and people who care about animals.

So, in short, I’m fine with those interested in receiving them getting sitio clones. Hell, I want one myself so I can put him to work. I am not above enslaving my own clone.

But, we’ll have to find some underground cloning facility that will ethically destroy the DNA samples and records of our having been there. I don’t want Monsanto getting my genes.

For sweet

I love avocados.

I am, after all, Californian. It makes sense that I both love avocados and have a very, very strong preference for the Haas variety.

When I was a kid, we had two avocado trees. I haven’t checked this, but at the time, I was told that you need two trees as they are male and female. They never grew avocados for us, though, so it is possible that they were either both male or both female. I think of them fondly anyway, though, but the fig tree definitely gets my strongest adoration.

Avocados are marvelous fruits. They are very high in fat, it’s true, but it’s the good fat. They are calorically very high, but quite good for you if you can take the calories.

I like to use them in salads, particularly with strawberries. In fact, this salad, though it varies in exact ingredients, is always an enormous hit. Recently it was praised at sanvea’s family reunion in Wisconsin.

As I like you all, I will now share with you my increasingly famous salad recipe. I’m telling you, people love this salad.

There are a few things that are always the same. Lettuce, avocado, strawberries and sanvea’s Family dressing (which I guess I’ve changed because her mom refuses to recognize it).

Use whatever lettuce you like. I have used the pre-packaged mixes, such as the Spring Mix and European Mix to good results. The avocado should be ripe, but not guac ripe. Don’t cut it too much in advance cause, as you know, it’ll brown. The strawberries should be as ripe and sweet as you can manage.

The Dressing: 1/4 water, 1/4 olive oil, 1/4 vinegar, 1/4 honey. Celery Salt, Black Pepper and dried minced garlic. The better the oil, the better the dressing. I have used balsamics, but I think the best is Zinfandel vinegar.

There are a few things I usually use: pecans, raisins OR currants (but not both), citrus of some sort

The pecans should be dry toasted. I like to do this in a saute pan. High heat. Stir or shake the pan frequently. Don’t look away because they will be not done, not done, not done, burned to hell. You have to catch them in the 3 seconds between the last not done and burned to hell. If you like, you can turn off the heat and drop in some butter and brown sugar, mix it up, and dump them onto waxed paper. But, it’s good either way. I usually candy them only if the strawberries aren’t very sweet.

If you use raisins, I recommend the golden ones.

I have used orange, tangerine, grapefruit, nectarine (not citrus, I know), blood orange and some other stuff.

Feta or a nice chevre can be good, but I have stopped doing that so much as it tends to make the salad something else - more hearty. If you’re serving a main dish and the salad and nothing else, add the cheese. It makes it more substantial.

Also, we’ve added thinly sliced red onion, usually soaked in cold water to take the sting out.

But honestly, what really makes that salad is the avocado.

As 43 isn’t far away, I thought perhaps I’d ask if any of my subscribers had any questions. It seems pretty silly to think that any of you would, but I’m sort of hoping we can get through the next few entries together so I can call this honey done.

I love weddings. They bring out this really powerful sense of community and well-being in me. I always end up having great conversations and become very enthusiastic about everyone’s good heartedness and incredible beauty.

Sometimes by the end of the night maybe too enthusiastic in a drunken “I love you, man” kind of way. But, if there’s one place I think that can be excused, it’s at a wedding. And I almost never do that in other drinking establishments.