realize that love is worth waiting for

I went on vacation last weekend, and while on my trip, I met someone who I really would have liked the chance to get to know better. During the three nights of my stay, we noticed each other the first two nights, and spoke on the last night. Nothing happened, of course, but I really liked him and I suspect he thought I was attractive, even if he didn’t show it overtly. The two major hindrances, however, are that he and I live in cities a good seven hours apart, and he is nineteen years my senior. He was really nice and fun to talk to, and I have an inkling that if I were older, we might have ended up seeing what would come of our meeting.

If you’ve followed my entries, you know that I’ve never had a boyfriend or a relationship, I’ve never been asked out on a date, held someone’s hand, any of that stuff. Lately I had been warming up slightly to the idea of starting to date, but after meeting this man, I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m still not quite ready. I mean, to me, dating means having to lower my standards, even if only a little bit. But I hate small talk and I’m not good at meeting people. Now, when I met this person, I mentioned at some point in our conversation that I’d never been drunk, and get this: he said he never had been either! We both thought that was pretty neat, and I feel like it was a meaningful connection between us. Having that in common reiterated to me that I don’t have to lower my standards, or at least not the ones that really matter. And the fact that it was found out purely coincidentally like that reminded me that when I truly think about romantic love, I just feel like it’s something that will come to me when the time is right. Apparently that time is not now, but I think this meeting came at the right time in my life, and I think it serves as an important part of this growing process I’ve been going through. I am grateful for it.

The good news is I’m not currently as depressed as I could be. The bad news is I am a little depressed. I went to a concert tonight to see a local reggae band. It was really good, and normally I don’t mind doing things alone, but there was a big crowd of couples dancing, and I wished I could have been part of it. I ran into one of my cousins there, who I don’t see very often, and when she came over to say hi, she said to me, “I was telling Jess [my other cousin] that one of the band members must be her boyfriend.” She assumed it, I suppose, because I was by myself. I wasn’t offended or anything; in fact, I was a little flattered by it because now I know that at least one person thinks I’m attractive enough to have a boyfriend. But it kind of made me sad, because I often do wish I had someone to do things with.

There are things I’d like to do: go to the movies or to dinner, go kayaking, go to amusement parks, see certain shows or concerts. I know I could do them alone, and I’m not the type of person who is afraid to do things alone, but I like to do things with friends too, and right now I’m not in a position where I can do things with my friends. Some of them live out of town. Some of them would want to invite their boyfriends along. Some of them are flaky and we hardly ever are able to make definite plans. And then my friends all tell me about the fun things they’ve done and places they’ve been (with their boyfriends) and I can’t help feeling like I’ve been replaced. Sure, everybody thinks I’m happy and independent, and I am most of the time. Sometimes, though, like now, it’s really tough to sit here feeling like I’m the only person in the world with no Friday night plans.

I think that I have gained a lot of confidence in myself over the last few months. I think I’m a nice enough person, and I know I’m no supermodel, but I don’t think I’m hideous or anything. At the moment I’m just kind of sick of feeling like I have a lot of love to give and no one to give it to. I’m going to the county fair tomorrow with two of my cousins and their boyfriends. On one hand I’m looking forward to it because these cousins in particular are like my sisters, and their boyfriends are really nice guys. On the other hand, I’m absolutely dreading it because, once again, I get to be the fifth wheel. I have about fifteen cousins, and I am the only one who has never had a significant other. I can’t help wondering if I’m kidding myself. If I had anything to offer, wouldn’t I have at least had someone ask me out on a date by now? Some of my cousins are already married with kids, and I’m still waiting for someone to like me enough to even want to hold my hand.

I’ve got to say, I’ve come a long way, for the time being at least. In the nine months since my last entry, I’ve been more independent. See, the first three years of college, I was living with my cousin. Things worked out fine, but she graduated and moved on. It was fun while it lasted, but I just feel like I’ve grown so much since she left. My fourth year of college, which ended a month ago, I had a new roommate. I also had to make almost all new friends, because my best friends graduated the year before with my cousin. I had a hard time the first couple of weeks (I got a little homesick), but looking back on the year, I’m proud of how I’ve managed.

I was “alone” in the sense of having to meet new people, but I did it, and that’s a big deal for me. I found a job (I’d never had one while going to school) and got straight A’s both semesters. I began taking better care of myself diet-wise and lost 25 pounds. I still have never had a boyfriend or been on a date, but I can think of three (yes, three!) boys I suspect had a crush on me last year, though none of them ever said it. So, although I’ve still never been in a relationship, these last few months have been really empowering for me.I’ve learned that I can manage on my own. And of course, every day was not perfect, but I’ve learned I can do okay for myself despite the imperfection.

I had dinner with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she said that I carry myself differently than other people my age, and that’s why boys don’t approach me. She said I’m more mature than most, and boys don’t want to put forth the effort if they think they’ll be rejected. I admit the thought is slightly depressing (but only slightly), but I think it’s a good sign that it doesn’t make me feel bad about myself, because if someone had told me that bit of information a year or two ago, I would have automatically started beating myself up for not being pretty/skinny/blonde/outgoing enough to attract someone. I’ve thought to myself before, “What if I don’t ever go on a date until I’m in my 30’s or 40’s?” However likely or unlikely it is, I’m okay with that idea. If it takes that long to find someone (or for him to find me) that I think will make me happy, well then I’m willing to wait.

I realized today that for the last three nights I’ve gone to bed without wondering what it’s like to fall asleep in someone’s arms. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that that’s the last thing I’ve thought of every day for the last few years, but it’s the truth. I couldn’t figure out if my going to bed “alone” is a good thing or a bad thing, because it either means I’ve given up hope for love, or it means I’m finally beginning to feel whole as a party of one. For optimism’s sake, I’m going to assume the latter. And even though I’m pretty sure this won’t last, I’ll revel in it while it does.

Having said that, I often wonder if I ever will be part of a meaningful relationship. I can think of two male friends in particular who are great guys, and when I think about long-term relationships and marriage, I think I’d like to find someone like them. However, I also often wonder why they’ve decided to be friends with me, because they’re both very personable, cheerful, and friendly people, and I don’t really describe myself as any of those things. Oh I’m not mean or anything, it just takes me a while to fully open up to people. So when I fantacize about love, as we single girls so often do, and I really try to imagine myself in a relationship, I don’t know, it just doesn’t click for me. Or when I think about cuddling or really being in love, I honestly cannot imagine any man liking me enough, or thinking he loves me enough, to want to spend the rest of his life with me or be close to me, or get butterflies in his stomach when he’s with me. It kind of makes me sad, because I want to be optimistic, but I just don’t see it happening for me.

I tend to go back and forth between wanting to be in a real relationship, and wondering whether being in a relationship is even worth it. The couples I know seem to bicker all the time (or maybe it’s only when I’m around), and it is one of the absolute most annoying things to me. Yet I listen to my friends and cousins talk about their boyfriends, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. They have someone who is always there for them, someone who loves them unconditionally, or so it seems.

Sometimes I think that I probably just enjoy the fantasy of being in love, rather than actually wanting the reality. Because as long as I have the fantasy, I don’t have to be disappointed with what really is. I don’t know what really is, though, because I’ve never experienced it.

Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that keeps the male population away, because as far as I know, the last time anyone was interested in me was seventh grade. Other times I wonder whether I ever even want to get married. I won’t be surprised if I never do. I wish I could just make up my mind and stop caring so much about whether I’ll ever find love. It just seems like such a petty thing to worry about.

Well, this is kind of a tough one to write about. My original goal related to love/romance was “have a boyfriend,” then I changed it to “realize that love is worth waiting for,” because I don’t want a boyfriend if it’s solely for the purpose of having one. I think waiting for love is a good goal, but I’ve also noticed that I’ve become much more cynical about it, for two reasons.

First, none of the relationships I know of (i.e., family and friends) are ones that I would like to emulate in my own relationship. There are aspects of them that I don’t like. That, coupled with the fact that half of all marriages in this country end in divorce, make me think that I might just be better off living my life alone.

Second, I just don’t feel like dealing with anybody right now other than myself. I’m just sick of idiots. I know that sounds harsh, and I regret coming off as a jerk to anyone who might read this, but it’s the truth. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I need someone who has goals, is actively working to accomplish them, and is living for something more than going to bars, getting wasted, and trying to find a girl to make out with. I want someone who can have a sense of fun and adventure without an altered state of mind, and someone who can be my friend before he’s my boyfriend.

Like I said, I’m a litte cynical. Believe me, I know I can be a bit of a prude sometimes. My friends have cast judgment on me because I don’t like bars and drunkenness. I’ve thought about it myself, wondering if I should lighten up, wondering whether my standards are too high. But you know what? I have learned in the past year or so that I need to live in a way that is comfortable and satisfying for me, and I really don’t care anymore if my friends talk about how silly they think I’m being. I have struggled to accept myself as I am, and I have recently begun to really believe-rather than simply tell myself in an effort to stop feeling bad-that it’s perfectly fine if what I consider fun is something like going to a museum or staying in on a Friday night rather than going out. I know that last sentence was a little bit of a digression. My point is, though, that I’m done wondering if my standards are too high. Right now I’m working on myself, and part of that is figuring out exactly what my stanards are, in love and life in general.

What do you think of that?!?