Last night, as he dropped me off, Mr. Yes asked about my weekend plans. Saturday’s date sounds familiar, as if there’s something I’m supposed to do, so I told him that. He said, “You know you’re always welcome when I have my boy, right?” I said that I hadn’t assumed that. I’ve never dated someone who has a small child and I don’t know how it usually works, so I err on the side of caution and not interfering with his kid time. He looked at me for a silent moment, kissed me, and said, “You are always welcome. Always. Always.”
Earlier in the night, we had gotten on the subject of cheating, as there’s a married woman who has been hitting on him for awhile now, not very subtly. We’re both of the ‘never have, never will, no excuses’ mindset. He said, “I wear my heart on my sleeve and that would hurt me so much. I would never want to hurt someone like that.”
Two great moments. Sounds SMART. Still, I’m observing a persistent unease in me. Not acting on it, but watching it. It tells me that he’s committed to me and puts me on the spot about whether I’ve committed to him or am going along for the ride. Honestly, I can’t imagine not dating him. But I couldn’t have imagined not dating my ex, either. The reality is that I could hurt this man and it spooks me. Withdrawing my affection because he’s vulnerable and wants me to be a larger part of his life would be STUPID. He could hurt me, too, but I trust that he won’t do it on purpose. Why not trust myself at least that much?
Or could it be that I don’t know how to be in a healthy, normal relationship where I’m not the strong one, the sane one; that I feel vulnerable because I’m not saving the day, patching up his heart, comforting him, using all the skills I’ve developed through living with mentally ill family members, friends, roommates and my husband? He’s made for himself and his son a happy, safe, stable life. I hadn’t realized that I valued myself as a helper more than a joybringer. In his life, I am an added joy and that’s enough to make me precious to him. It’s a very different type of relationship and I’m disoriented. Happy, but sort of lost.
I’m not going to do anything other than love this man and his son and keep an eye on myself so I don’t sabotage a good thing. I wanted to get this out of my head and into print so I’ll have a reference point as my heart and head keep churning out feelings and thoughts.