Watch every episode of MST3K ever made, at least once.

And if this is any indication he’s home alone, naked and afraid. Well, maybe not the latter part. And maybe the family has now joined him. But you never know.

Mike has a new website out. Riff Trax

Download Nelson’s MSTesque commentaries from the site, and play them while watching your favorite DVDs!

Today’s feature movie…. ROADHOUSE!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

happy day to me! Happy day to meeeeee!!!!

...here’s a possible answer—as suggested by a friend.

Something I found at myspace that you might enjoy!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=797112316&n=2

Saw it once years ago—thank you, Rhino DVD sets.

“HIKEEBA!”

Does anyone catch it on sci-fi? I don’t know if they still play episodes, but I remember being the chronic night owl I am, being up at 2 am when I was a child and watching it then. Then they changed to to 11 am so I’d wake up for it, then it was 6 am!!! I haven’t seen it since then.

So does anyone know if it is on and what time?

Boggy Creek II, _{the legend continues…}

[epi # 1006]

Well, I polled three people and got seven answers, and the majority of those voted that the next movie to watch should be “the one about booby creeks”. All righty then.

I saw this one years ago and other than remembering that I was somewhat bored with it, I couldn’t recall much about the plot. (Unfortunately I had taped over my Sci Fi channel recording of it) So I was pleasently surprised when I actually got a big kick out of it this time around. I must have been in a bad mood last time.

Remember those old Disney nature films way back when? With the deep, slightly southern voice-over and the images of lush meadows and dazzling sunsets? That’s how the movie begins. We see egrets flying over a creek, tall grasses and- Oh! A sweet little deer prancing happily through the forest. He stops to daintily nibble a flower, bat his lashes and move on over to the river for a nice refreshing drink. It’s so hot! Sweet, wittle deer wants to go for a swim. So he wades out a bit into the water, ears a twitchin’, big brown eyes sleepily survey the waters while wittle deer enjoys the cool currents.

Don’t mind those bubbles following you in the water, wittle deerses, you just have yourself a nice happy swim! Tra la dee da…

What’s this? Oh noes! The poor wittle deer has just been sucked under the water by an unseen harbinger of death! He’s been decapitated! A tall, dark, greasey haired monster emerges from the mucky depths and drags the headless deer into the forest! All the while bemused voice over guy drones on about misty summer mornings and the circle of life…

And that, folks, is about as lucid as this movie gets.

Right after the gruesome, happy deer death scene, we cut to a football game. No reason! Just… you know. At a game.

Some professor guy is there. (we find out that he’s the narrator. Incidentally, he’s also the director, the writer, the producer, the snack shop vendor guy…) We get to see some bouncing cheerleader shots, and (stock) game footage. Then the prof. gets called away by one of his students, Tim, who, incidentally, is actually his son. In real life I mean. I guess they needed another body to fill a roll and he was just kind of standing around or something.

The prof, whose name is Brian, heads over to his office where he finds out that the Boggy Creek monster has been spotted again. The voice in his head tells us that he’s bringing three kids with him to investigate the sightings, Tim- the very skinny kid who just loves taking off his shirt to show off them massive pythonique arms of his. And also two loverly ladies, Tanya and Leslie, whose purpose in this movie is to complain and show off their underpants.

So away we go to find the monster. First stop is a convenience store run by a very sweaty man in a white, V neck tee-shirt. All the S’uthners in the store think it’s mighty funny that this “city slicker” (with a thicker accent than anyone else in town, mind you) has come to search for “the creature”. The professor, being the stupid yankee that he is (haw haw), gets all perturbed and threatens to shoot anyone he sees dressed like a monkey and wandering around in the forrest. With that, he firmly re-inserts his hiney stick and prances away.

Next stop on their trip is to a barn where the monster was first spotted way back in 1964. (although we are treated to a bit of a debate about that. “was is ‘63? or 64?” “I think it was ‘64” “yes, I believe you’re right…”)

Suddenly the movie takes on “Flashback” mode. There’s no awesome wooshy music like LOST has when they do a flashback. This director took a slightly different approach than J.J. Abrams, that being, he decided to smear the camera lens with Vaseline Jelly. It makes for lovely cinematography!

Through the vaseline haze we can make out a fuzzy blob wearing overalls. Overall blob spots a tall dark blob that I suppose is the monster, being that it has long greasy hair covering it’s entire body. And also bubba lips. Then overall blob and bubba lip blob walk away from each other. That’s it. Not really worth making a flashback for, but there ya go.

Bored with that flashback, the whole crew piles back into the jeep in search of more engaging flashbacks.

Suddenly! ::gasp:: What is that?! The jeep screaches to a halt. (kinda. It’s pulling a huge camper, so it’s more like it meanders to a wobbly halt)

Anyway, something appears to have startled our professor. Frantically I search the screen for something worth looking at, but of course, it’s only roadkill. Professor Brian and Tim get out and contemplate the roadkill for a while, then they get back in and drive away.

Having thoroughly debated the cause of death of the roadkill (where’s Doc Robbins when you need him?) the gang arrives at their campsite and sets up the camper, giving Leslie a chance to change into more appropriate camper-wear. She does this by stripping down to her underwears and pressing her butt up against the window while shakin’ her bazooty in an attempt to squeeze into a pair of shorts three sizes too small. Professor Brian is practically moved to tears.

Inspired by Leslie’s long johns, the prof proceeds to launch into another flashback, this one had molasses shmear, instead of vaseline. Some guy stops to change a tire, the Creature arrives, grabs him, and he dies. Ahhhh memories…

Finished with reminiscing, Prof Brian sets up his super-duper, hyper sensitive Com-Pew-Tur that shows you (in aesthetically pleasing black and lime green) exactly where people are around you. Just type in a few measurements into the Com-Pew-Tur, height, weight, etc, and Com-Pew-Tur will tell you where any intruders are.

Getting a closer look at the monitor we see a giant target with two little circles hangin’ around the outer rings. The two circles are Tim and Tanya. Suddenly another circle appears! How exciting! This circle must be the creature!

Mesmerized by the the round things, Brian and Leslie watch as the third circle blips closer to Tanya’s circle. The prof calls Tanya and Tim back to camp; and since the movie is really all about him, he grabs a gun, assumes “macho guy” pose,(as Mike says: “legs bent, butt out, tummy pooched”) and runs off into the forrest to confront the creature. Meanwhile, Tanya’s circle hightales it back to camp while the creature’s circle follows close behind. Tim’s circle disappears, while, oddly enough, no circle ever appears for Brian. (must be a bug in the system.) Brian threateningly shouts “I can smell you!” (his version of “do ya feel lucky, punk?”) horrified, the creature runs away.

Brian makes it back to camp, Tim shows up, shouts “boo!” everyone screams. Aah. Scary.

Later that night, the monster’s circle shows up again. It must have suspected that the prof had set up that awesome Com-Pew-Tur, because it went straight for their generator and broked it. Tim and Brian funble around in the dark for a while, then get it working again. In the mean time, the creature shows up and snarls at them through some bushes. Fortunately the leaves hold him back and he is unable to attack. Frustrated, the creature departs.

The next morning… we gets ourselves another flashback! You know. To cheer us up. Because all of the other flashbacks have been so lighthearted and breezy.

In this one, there’s this guy who decides he needs to go make a poo. So he asks his wife for the Sears catalogue and heads out to the outhouse. (I don’t want to know.) While in the outhouse, the creature decides it’s going to have some fun with him and sticks his arm through the window. The guy freaks out and lands in his own doody.

When he emerges from the thing he’s covered in plop, so his wife gets out the garden hose and sprays him down.

And that’s it. Don’t you feel better now?

I haven’t even gotten to the part where we meet the most disturbing MST character. Ever. A giant, half naked hick with a rubber band wrapped around his head. (seriously, I would love to have seen that casting call. “uhh… we need a really big hairy guy willing to walk around wearing nothing but a pair of overalls with one strap hangin’ down and a rubber band. Preferably someone who loves to scratch and say ‘garrrr’”) Nor have I mentioned the part where Tanya decides to try out some snuff and pukes in the bushes. Or the scene where Brian dresses up like Castro and declares “I have seen the little creature!”

To find out how this sucker ends (and I am certain you’re just dying to know.) you’ll just have to watch it yourself.

Favorite Quotes

• You know, the Razorback hat really lacks the quiet dignity of the Cheese Wedge (Mike)

• sweaty clerk: “You can take my word for it, there aint no such monster around here.”
  Mike: ok. Well then do you have any puffy hats with filthy sayings?

• So, these people are all majoring in Boggy Creek Monster studies? (Servo)

• Well I’ll be. Farmers do exist!

• Hey, there’s a Point of View monster headed right for them!

• We’d like to thank the Legend for allowing us to place a camera in his helmet.

• The thing we’re looking for is coming! Oh no!

• (during random football scene)“The cheerleaders suggest that we “Go!”

• Hey everybody! I managed to cram my ass in these shorts!

• My wonderful discovery. (beat) let’s kill it!

• (still at that random game) “I’m going! The cheerleaders’ plan is working!”

• Leslie: the circles, what do they represent? Servo: Round things

YEA! Amazon has the first 5 volumes on sale, 55% off. I now own 123 & 5. (wasn’t really that jazzed about 4. Mebbe later.)

Ok, folks! Which one should I watch first?? Here’s what we have here:

• Boggy Creek II: Saw it once and I don’t remember what happens except that there’s a really disgusting scene involving an outhouse in there somewhere.

• Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders: Seen it many times, was on the Sci Fi channel fairly often when MST was in it’s death throes. Fairly funny, if I recall correctly, in a kids movie gone creepy type of way.

• Time Chasers: Seen this one too. Great writing with really really really really bad actors and no budget.

• The Touch of Satan: Haven’t seen it in a long while, something about a witch burning?

Alrighty, ya’ll, pick quickly or I’m gonna pick for ya. Can’t wait!

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die!

Hard to believe that this is not the cheesiest title ever given to an MST3K flick.

I had to Netflix this one since I don’t own it yet. Shame, too, because I had to watch it in parts, few minutes here, few minutes there. Would have liked the luxury of sitting down and watching it through but I didn’t have time for it this week. Oh well.

All in all this was a decent episode- and especially impressive considering it’s Mike’s premiere as show host. He looked adorable in front of the camera, obviously a bit jittery. Despite his first time nerves, his timing was spot on through the whole thing.

To be honest, I usually don’t pay much attention during host segments. Most of the time they bore me (with the exception of Jack Frost. A topless Mike doing Lord of the Dance cracks me up every time) This one had the requisite “invention exchange” that was eventually dropped later in the season. Mike’s invention, an umbrella with gutters, made me chuckle and Servo’s “Gutter-Bumber-Shoot” song made me dance across the room on my way to the kitchen. (my tea was done.)

The first fifteen minutes of the film is spent watching a surgeon and his cocky son wave their arms over a dying patient. Because the son is much better at waving his arms, he’s the one who saves the patient- all the while calling his Dad inept. Dad doesn’t mind. He looks just like Hitler- so apparently he’s used to insults. Dad’s main concern is his son’s habit of stealing body parts. His son gives him the brush off and Dad leaves for Detroit, never to be seen in this film again.

Once Dad leaves, Bill (cocky-son) snatches up his hot looking fiancee (Jan) and they head out to his house in the country where apparently he moonlights as an evil Frankenstonian Scientist with his disfigured assistant, Kurt. Bill drives like a mad-man ignoring stop signs, pedestrian crossings and reaching speeds upwards of 30 mph. Of course such recklessness causes him to crash and be thrown from his burning car. He crawls back to the accident just in time to witness Jan’s hand die. Deeply disturbed, he does what any man in love would do, he steals her head.

Reaching his country home, Bill sets up a Lasagna pan for Jan’s head and fills it with Super-vitaminated juices to help keep her alive.

At this point the movie takes on a whole nudder level of creepiness as Bill starts scavenging all the local hookers and pin-up models for an adequate body to steal for his fiancee. We get to listen to lots of Bom-chicka-Bom-Bom while viewing plenty of bouncing cleavage. This goes on for what seems like hours.

In the mean-time, Jan-in-the-Pan (as Mike dubs her) wakes up and is slightly perturbed to find herself alive and stewing in her own neck-juices. (incidentally- i think she looked much nicer as a disembodied head. She had a beautiful smile when she laughed) Jan makes friends with the Frankenstein-esque monster hiding in the closet and quietly plots her revenge against Bill for being so evil-genius-ish. Some how she uses her mind powers to convince the creature to rip off Kurt’s good arm, beginning the longest death scene in movie history. (really- it made the Sheriff’s death in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves look pathetically brief)

Bill finally returns having selected some poor model to be his fiancee’s body. Jan starts to protest, but Bill tapes her mouth shut. (eliciting cheers from Mike & the bots) Using her mind powers again she gets the monster in the closet to knock on his door several times. Bill does the most brilliant thing and goes over to check it out. Of course the beast escapes, starts a fire, Kills Doctor Bill, saves the model all while Jan laughes maniacally.

The End. Wasn’t that nice?

One amusing detail: apparently the director forgot to shoot close-ups of Bill while filming the movie. So afterward they got several introspective looking shots of the actor in front of a blank canvas and inserted them willy-nilly between scenes. I think they were trying to be “artsy”. Heh.

Favorite Quotes!

• {Stripper}Who’s to tell me to blow if I don’t want to?

• {Servo} While she’s passing out he could be downstairs mopping up blood or something.

• {Mike} Awww… look! His face is just tied on in the back!
  {Crow} Yup! get used to it, Mike, happens all the time.

• {Dr. Cortner} What you see is real. {Mike} What you smell is unfortunate.

• {Dr. Cornter Sr} We were not meant to play God! {Crow} Tag! you’re God…

• {Servo} You’re listening to KPORN – sleazy, slutty music all morning long.

Great. Now I’ve got “Let’s all have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” stuck in my head! ::bangs head against wall::

Quick, someone hum “Achey Breaky Heart”!

oh the inhumanity!