be aware

The world is a terrible place. I hate being aware of it.

Recently I have had an overwhelming feeling that the world is just a terrible place and that it is time for me to abandon convention and live life the way I want to live it, but the thing that keeps getting in the way is the fact that our society relies so heavily on a money based economy I feel like that is something I do not appreciate. I recently decided that working where my time is dictated for me is something that I cannot spend my life doing. If it means I have to miss a positive experience I don’t think its worth it becuase I honestly don’t feel like life is as wasteable as that.

I haven’t watched the news in a very long time. Actually, I would say about around 9/11 I got tired of the repetition and it was this large thing that was hard for me to comprehend and I stopped watching the news entirely. Last night at work the news was on while we were working, but it was so slow that I basically just watched the news. It was Crisis in the Middle East with Larry King. I thought it was kind of interesting, really. Just to hear people’s perspectives and just the new knowledge that is probably more biased than reading an article about it. I kind of like the opinion. It lets you agree or disagree and kind of test how well you actually understand what is going on. I didn’t really like the whole “What is the role of the US?” kinds of things. I don’t know why, but that kind of bothered me. Just, everything is so about us, even if all we can do is speculate about us, lets just talk about us, kind of. And I’m sure it’s not just like that, but thats kind of what I felt like a little bit. But anyway, I think this watching the news thing last night was a kind of positive thing for me. The hearing different perspectives I think really helps you kind of figure out your own and I like that.

I feel like the more aware I am the more aware I am that the world I live in is a terrible place and I don’t like that. It depresses me a lot. Just this deep kind of terrible sadness that I don’t know how to fix. One of my best friends is Jewish and she keeps me very updated on what is currently going on in Isreal. She compared the events two days ago to 9/11, and honestly, I feel like it is probably worse. I can’t imagine being at war with another country in my own country. I can’t imagine my country is at war with another country period, but, god, how terrible. I can’t believe people just kill like that. I like cannot believe it. I mean, god, the world is so sad, why do I want to be aware of it? I want to be able to make it better, but how do you fix something like that? And then there is so much going on that it makes it hard to focus on what makes you feel the most terrible. I don’t know, I don’t know if this is really worth it. I want it to be, but how do you deal with that?

I think that in reality I am aware of things the way that I want to be, at least to some extent, but, what I really need to do is be confident that I’m aware of these things.

I think that I need to do this. I used to not think it was really important, just something that people do to make conversation, but now I realize that people need to do things to make the world better. It all boils down to laziness. I have decided that laziness really is the root of all evil.