Find My Still Point

There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest… perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize?
The King chose the second picture
And The King Explained:

“Because peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace.”

It’s just like when I remember this, nothing else matters, everything will be fine, even though it’s hard to believe this, when I’m here I believe it.

I can close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I’m grateful for the hardships ‘cause I know they led me here, I wouldn’t be able to recognize this if it wasn’t for all the trouble I had getting here.
The world must really have two opposites. Sickness is necessary so you can be grateful to health, and so does trouble and confusion, so you can recognize and be thankful to peace and stillness.

I’m sure things will get rocky, as they should, but as long as I remember this still point, I’ll be fine.

that I begin to wonder if I am still breathing….then other times not so much.

and I think I am going to stay here for a while…

I like when it’s still and quiet.

Then Cry more.

{all curled up in a tight little ball, knees drawn to my chest. Hugging a pillow tight, tears burning my cheeks}

Yeah, going to do that now.
Then cry even more.

and not say things the right way, or not make sense or Sigh say what I feel and it not be understood.

You know for a while now I’ve been a little down. I’m scared of a lot of things lately. Today, is the end, ummm, {I know I’m not going to make sense. My chest is tight, I have a huge lump in my throat and no matter how many times I swallow, it won’t go away}

I want to try and explain me for a minuet please:
I was telling you how scared I am.
Today it ends. NO more Fears, time to face them.
See, things have been such a drastic change for me, for a while now. I am one of those people who crave peace, solitude, quiet, calm, gentle.
I love Routine {not to say I can’t be spontaneous}
I love routine I have no other way of putting it.

I moved here for one reason and lots of those sub-reasons we all come up with. School is hard for me. This is something I’ve tried and tried to talk to people about. School is not easy, I fight for each grade I get. I struggle with life and the studying. I am afraid I can’t do it. I am afraid that I fucked up these kids lives to get and give them better and I can’t do this. I am terrified to fail.

Now, on 43 and outside I’ve had wonderful people tell me that I am intelligent. There are two on 43 right now who will never know How much their words of “My intelligence” has meant to me. I am beyond thankful, for their constant reassurance in this area has loved and feed a certain part of me and I’m getting better. {told you I was gonna ramble and not make sense, save yourself stop reading now}

I have some abnormal blood work, my liver functions are abnormal and have been for over a year. The insurance I have doesn’t cover a lot of things. I’ve put this off and off. I’ve been so afraid to even deal with it… Honestly I think it’s just a condition that I am already aware of. More pills, more doctors poking, exams, Doctors Bills. You get really tired of it after awhile and even though you think “if I went to the Doctor I would feel better, I would know everything is okay”
You still put it off. I don’t have time, I am way to busy. I don’t have the money for the copay what ever reason. For me, I’m just afraid and tired. {trust me, I know they will just tell me my other meds need increasing}

My children deserve the best mother. They need a mom who has patients and understanding. They deserve a mother who listens to them and give the lots of love. My babies deserve to have a mom who is strong, capable. But, they need a mom they can look at and know her faults, flaws and imperfections.
NOT a perfect women being a perfect mom. They need an imperfect women doing her damn best. Because that is Real and that will teach them how to live in the real world.
I’ve done my best to give them this, even among criticisms of others in how I parent and choices I’ve made {ie. the move}

Sometimes circumstances present themselves in such a way, that you feel like you are kicked, while already on your knees with your face in your hands, shoulders slumped forward.

There is one other major fear I have. I have absolutely NO control over the out come of that one.
I am giving up. That sounds silly to say, but hear me please. I don’t want to hurt anybody any more. {sorry, I’m crying… breath… whew…}
I have so much love inside of me but I think I am not giving the better sides of me. {I don’t think their lost, just maybe on vacation.}
In the area of love I ummm, I’m just giving that up. That’s all I want to say about this.
I am offering the “Want” up. If it comes it will come if not
I have my children, and they deserve the best me they can get. I have a lot to teach them about people and the world, life.

I’m going to take some time. I made some promises recently and I am big on that. They’re my word.
So, I need some time to figure a few things out. I’ve recently been through something that was really hard for me.
Someday I want to be able to talk about it, I can’t right now.
I don’t know how much time I’ll be taking. I know I will be on to pass out cheers.
Those of you who want to talk to me for what ever reason.
If you don’t have my email addresses and want them ladyadore9010@yahoo.com
buckleytn@hotmail.com for anyone who wants to use Gmail use one of the other ones and I’ll send you Gmail.
I could be back tonight, posting some crazy KGC thing. Or maybe some odd little piece of a story. Who knows maybe tonight I will come across the most perfect sign for me.

I just need a little time. I truly wish I could explain things better than I have. Somethings are not meant to be shared. Please understand. I feel like I’ve lost something very precious. I should have looked at reality a long time ago. I guess it just took this last look in the mirror to open my eyes.
{told ya, I am bouncing around like usual}
I have web ct so I am on line all the time. I am available to anyone who needs me {yeah, like you’ll need me, you know what I mean}
Thank You

Light and Love
~ * THREE * ~
{Nothin’ bout my routine will change girl, I’ll be at our meeting spot by the lake every morning, Tartsy.}

I just wanna find a place inside myself that I can find peace, that I can hold on to. I have to do this, I have to find a place inside me to hold on to, it can’t be another person, or a thing, or even a dream, it has to be inside myself, it has to be part of me, because when you have something like that to hold on to, it’s like even if everything else is falling apart, you’ll still be okay.

Now is all I have
I have to be in the present
Feel the present
And breathe in and out every other second

These are the most comforting words in the Bible, to me. It teaches me a couple of things:

Soundslikefun

Your quote below, has also always been an important part of my life. Most every time I have found myself in trouble, it was when I though I was in control of my life.

Even during my divorce after 23 years, (with four daughters), I actually thought I could prevent it. I did not do anything to justify it. Even after for four years, I thought “she” would realize her mistake.

It was only with HIS help, that I was able to accept HIS will and move on with my life. So these words are today very important to me.

1. He is in control – and will take care of whatever threatens me. Bad things won’t harm me.

2. He is in control – NOT ME. I can let go of the reigns I grip onto so tightly. I can just “be still” – because he is in full control of my life.

Away from the chatter of senses
From the restless wandering of the mind
There is a quiet pool of stillness.
The Wise call this stillness the highest state of being .
It is the place where we find unity.

Never to become separate again.

Katha Upanishad (5th century BCE)

Compose yourself in stillness
Draw your attention inward
And devote your consciousness to the Self.
For the wisdom you seek lies within.

Bhagavad Gita ( 6th century BCE)