Get Married

We broke up.

There are good reasons why. We don’t see each other because he is so busy and really doesn’t know what he wants.

But then I let go.

One of my constant struggles as been believing that getting married is something I could eventually achieve in life. After many dissapointments, I have finally decided that it will happen, but not just yet. Obviously. However, not yet doesn’t mean never. This hasn’t sunk in until now.

This issue of time has also been a hinderance. I will be 29 in a few months and I have felt like time was getting away from me. What’s wrong with me? What more can I do to get a man to love me for me? I think that the answer is that there is nothing wrong and loving me for me doesn’t require a dog and pony show, so rushing is NOT the answer. I believe in timing. I believe that good things are going to finally happen to me and though it is really nice to say those words, it is entirely another to say them with conviction. I do believe that I will get married when the time is right and fufilling, therefore worrying about how long that takes is fruitless. Besides, why choose to pessimistic when the opportunity for marriage could be right around the corner?

This break up that led to my let go is one of the most important things to happen to me in quite some time. May good things hunt me down!

So, its been a few months and I started freaking out because that is what I do best…worry. I worry that we aren’t making progress, that we are doomed to fail, that I will be left hanging out to dry.

Background: The is his first year of teaching high school, his first real job and he is the assistant football coach. He is much more busy than I am.

Okay, so I tell him on the phone that I feel as if I never see him. He, in turn, tells me to stop worrying. He tells me that he is giving all he can. He says that he loves his life and can’t devote 24 hours of his life to me right now, but is giving all he can. He was frustrated. I understand.

I think that I am insecure and the only way I know to overcome insecurity is to spend time firming things up, buttoning things down. But what if there were another way…trusting? What about that? I mean, maybe we won’t work out, but if you can only give what you have to give, is that not enough?

So, I am the crumby girlfriend and I wanted so much to be right! oh well. I want to appologize, but I get the feeling that I am the last person he wants to talk to right now.
we saw each other this morning at work and he seemed friendly enough. A few wise cracks. I think I really pushed him and I feel bad about it. He is going to a conference this week on Wednesday and Thursday and I think it will be good for him to get away. I know he wants to get away. I feel pushed away.

So, although it is my fault, it may also be true that he will decide that he just doesn’t have time for a relationship in his life right now. I understand and I will be sad, but I have taken something away from this. One: Stop worrying. Its frustrating to everyone. Two: Don’t push things to places it doesn’t want go. You’ll ruin it. Enjoy people and places for who and what they are right now, even if that isn’t the ideal.

Maybe one day I will get the hang of all this…and yes, get married.

Okay…so we said I love you. And last night after about a month of dating, I met his parents. It was random and at 10pm at night. We went for happy hour at the local Applebees.

Never has he mentioned wanting me to meet his folks. I don’t know. Maybe he did it impromptu. Maybe no thought went into into it, but I think meeting the parents is big.

I am still waiting for the switch to be flipped, the light to go on or off. I am not waiting for something bad to happen as some folks are prone to do. I am waiting for the “Oh I get it” moment and this is the first time that I have not had that moment in a relationship. Honestly, this guessing doesn’t lend itself to worry as it keeps me involved.

I find that, even now, I miss him not being around. He is golfing and footballing today. I think its great that he has his own friends and sports and life. I need it really. I have all that too! :) But something in me just likes being around him and that has changed from the last time I blogged. I think I really have fallen for him…

Yet I still wonder where it will all lead. His parents were not anything more or less than nice. I have no strong feeling about it. I tried pushing out thoughts of “What would Christmas’s be like at your house?” No need to go there! And if things don’t work out, its okay. Maybe its just because I am older and the parents’ approval is not worth as much to me now as it did when I was younger. I just never realized it until I met Josh’s folks.

And yet, the switch was not flipped last night. Perhaps it won’t ever. Perhaps I am gliding into this thing or gliding out of it. Hopefully, gracefully.

So, I am currently seeing a guy I work with and so far we have managed to break all the dating rules known to my personal standards. We kissed on the first date. We work at the same high school…risky stuff. We like to get naked and if it were up to him we would only be naked. I am 28, he is 23. We really like each other.

I’m in to punk rock. I like breaking the rules. I wonder if he is in love with being naked. I don’t have that butterfly feeling. We have both said that we are not in love with each other yet. I don’t know…I am used to falling hard and fast and this one is different. We are just seeing each other. No commitments yet. We talk about the idea of a committment and he has even talked to his family about me, which I have yet to do. Can love grow into this kind of situation or should I be looking for that destiny feeling?

I like him and feel hopeful about the future. Maybe not with him, but in general. I guess I have been waiting on marriage for so long that I expect this one to fizzle too, but he seems into me. He has no intention of closing up shop, from the last deep discussion we had. I don’t feel wrong about it. There is a strange calm I have about the whole thing. I don’t feel at risk at all. I love that. I just don’t know why I don’t feel threatened by the ever looming broken heart or dissapointment.

Guess I should enjoy that huh? :)

Well, you can’t know the future and we are going to the park tomorrow. I hope to wear clothes the entire time.

Alright…28 not married. Big deal in KY, buckle of the Bible belt, but what if “married” means something different for me than lets say…my sister who is getting married at 21!

It dawned on me recently that marriage, the cultural walking down the isle is an institution. It is one that most take seriously, but have I been taking the white dress too seriously? Is a wedding band really what I am after?

I think the answer is no. I mean, i really don’t want a dress and chruch music and gold jewlry. I really don’t even want “The One.” Rather, I want some one who loves me. And he has his life, I have my life, and we do these two things together and help each other out. What that looks like is a very flexible thing…

So, im not taking this off of my list, but i have reconcidered this notion of marriage and it looks much brighter now once taken out of the box.