move into my own apartment

not for me to do right now.

i am in a good place.

my roommate has been with me through thick and thin, craziness and somewhat sane moments. we may fight, but what is great is that our friendship can withstand each others problems, hysterics, paranoia, emotional melt downs, and you know still sit down, have a bagel and tell each other the weird dream we had last night.

i might have lost my studio, to accomadate another roommate moving in, so we could make the rent burden a little less… burdensome. but we both promise each other its only temporary. we just have to get through this lease, and then a house… we’re discussing and searching for other roommates that we wont kill and bury in the basement.

i still want my own place. right now i just think i have more important things to be focusing on.

i was sure i wrote that down… somewhere. oh well.

really really want to. but everywhere i look makes me feel not at ease… so i gave up for a while. first i think if i am half serious about this, i should start looking for a new job. it would be pointless to find a sweet crib that ended up being on the otherside of the globe of your new gig. right? yet i dont have any time to do this. guess i’ll have to make time. so much todo.

i am getting my own apartment. i have made a decision where i want to live. its going to put me closer to work, and my horses, and it will be solely mine!!! all mine!!! mwhahaha. i can do what i want, when i want, how i want! no one will be able to observe my comings and goings, the strange dialog i seem to now keep up with myself incessantly or what i am not doing. i can spread my art… and get it out of my bedroom. i can arrange the furniture how i want. ha! what furniture. i don’t have to pick up after anyone but me. i get online and stop this constant paranoia i am being watched and monitored by my roommate. i can read whatever i want, i can try and experiement with whatever i want without having to feel selfconscious as i actually try to improve my own life.

sighs. i should probably not got to work tuesday so i can arrange the final transaction papers for adquiring said apartment. oh its so nice. not as nice as the one in Gainsville for the money. . . eh… its a start.

oh double sigh… la sigh! i can start painting again. and no one can look at it. its really hard trying to paint something so personal when you can’t burn afterward due to the fact that your rms would get mad at you for setting a fire in the apt. not that i actually would do that… but ya know fireplaces… going out to a random dead place and burning it works too. sighs. painting again. i have missed so much. i am actually going to try and practice more with the brushes. theyre just so ackward in my hands.

well isn’t it ironic that i am no better than the rest of the yuks out there? yes well i at least no when to admit i was wrong. and i was wrong, but i am still right for valicating what i here now advocate. ooh. never heard it that way have ya? well thats a fancy way of putting i gotta get a place of my own. i don’t care where, size, or what its going to cost to keep it up. i’m willing to live in a garge, the getto, or your kids tree house at this point. the reason for this as you can surmise is i just don’t want to bother with a rm, haha past experience has tought me presently i just don’t want to bother with quarreling right now, or burdens of being distracted by a live in human being… now if i could stick my rm in the dog house it be a different matter… however that is not the case.

as you know i decided that at the end of the year i would be moving out

sighs…

i hate my apartment, and for the sad fact i never really moved into it. its really kinda sad, just one more tragedy to pile on. i kept telling myself i’m going to save, i’m on my way out, wait what was that shit where did all the time go? now its an immenent threat to my sanity. and i keep trying to calm the panic down by telling myself its for the best.

but come on my apt is a wreck. and why try to preserve when i can just leave. i wonder often what is holding me back. why i am not doing insteading of intending. i guess it’s becuz i am absent or so say the officials on the matter. so what? soon… i won’t have any excuses to stall, no hindering distractions, no prying eyes… and then poof… i’ll disappear!

i worry, as do all knowing of this intention if i’ll ever come back. i wonder if i’ll want to come back, or if i should even worry about it. my own apartment, my own place, why would i ever want to share again…?

but these are hard times, and everything kinda depends on odds. besides it’s such an daunting and having to give of effort moving out. what a pain. i want an alternative involving less drama. what can i say, i’m lazy!