what the fuck am i supposed to do? she just started crying on the couch because she felt ignored at this party we went to. i thought i was just giving her room to breathe and talk to people. after all, she talks to people and walks off and i don’t flip out. i CAN see it from her point-of-view, though, because she said something about she understands how i’m trying to get over her, but she doesn’t understand how i have to take my feelings out on her. it is an unfair situation i put her in but i don’t know how to do anything different. what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to get over this feeling of dread inside of me when i still fucking see her all the time? it’s impossible. it’s just getting worse and apparently i’ve succeeded in making her upset, too. i don’t know what to do. it’s just a never-ending circle, i just keep ending up in the same spot i was before. better, then worse, then better, then worse. around and around. it’s stupid.
afidrea has written 3 entries about this goal
well actually this morning, technically. i broke. it’s not often that i surprise myself, but tonight i did. she said something, i don’t remember exactly what, but the gist of it was that if i had a career – a job that wasn’t just one of those for-awhiles – that she would or might be with me. something like that. anyhow, i broke down. in her car. on the way out of the parking garage from the bars. yeah, i was drunk, but i don’t normally react that extreme, but that comment just killed me. the fact that once, at one time when we dated, she wanted me, she got excited when i touched her, and doesn’t now – i just can’t get past the fact that i fucked up possibly the greatest thing in my life because at that time i was too young and too scared to take a chance. she was holding me in the car telling me she loved me and she would always be my friend. people were honking behind us. then i ended up falling asleep on her chest on the couch. i kept half-waking up making these stupid sobbing sounds, like crying in my sleep, and she was rubbing my head. i’m half really really really embarrassed and half relieved. she said i wasn’t stupid, i was brave. i don’t know what to think but i can’t sleep. and it’s getting worse.
i can’t believe i found this forum. there’s some interesting stuff you guys have written that i sooo agree with. i am and have been ready to fall out of love with my best friend, but it’s hard because i see her all the time. it’s agonizing and i write about it a lot, which is good, but it feels almost like someone’s pressing down on my chest, or squeezing my lungs when i think about her and our situation. and to top it off we kissed tonight, which will mess with my head for another few months. ha. maybe reading other people’s thoughts might help me. i can’t sleep and i’m probably delirious right now, so i apologize if it’s hard to understand, i just wanted to…well i’m going to try to go lay back down. i think i’m keeping her up on this damn keyboard.
