be honest about my feelings

I find this very hard. I’m so used to being ‘not-honest’ about my feelings that I barely know when I do it now. I also barely know what my feelings are.

I agree to things and activities that I probably wouldn’t if I gave myself I chance to think about it. I accept things people do and say without considering if I really actually think it’s ok. I do things because I’m used to it, not thinking about whether I really want to, and if so, what my motivations really are. Do I do these things because I want to, or do I ‘want to’ to get approval and love? I don’t know. I really don’t.

Sometimes I really feel like I don’t know myself. I was filling in a job application and almost cried when i got to ‘hobbies and interests’ – because I couldn’t name anything, nothing particular. Just reading and music and all those other things that everyone says when asked but that aren’t really interests at all. I don’t know what I like.

I apperently have 1 day left to complete this goal..oops. I have improved, I really have, but I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it yet. I’m getting there (hopefully) but it’s truly painfully slow. I’m just not confident enough in my own opinions and I don’t want to hurt or upset people. In my head, treating people well and being liked unfortunately goes above being completely honest about how I feel. I’m trying to sort this out though, because I know the importance of being true to myself..especially when it comes to my goal of creating true intimacy. I’ll keep working on this, despite the challenge being over (and failed). I need too.

I’ve had this goal on here for ages, and I’m trying, but it’s just so hard. I hate conflict and I try my very best to shy away from it at all times. And that doesn’t exactly bode well for a goald of ‘being honest about my feelings’, at least not when I think my feelings could upset someone else / make for conflict. So I say nothing, and turn the bad feelings on myself instead of making it into a constructive discussion. And so I feel bad about myself, my life, everything. I don’t know how on earth I’ll sort this one out. I really want to be honest, I just can’t.

I found this blog entry on lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat.com and thought it really suited this group.

‘Giving Permission with Silence

People continue to do what they get away with. If you don’t tell them that something is unacceptable, your silence gives them permission to continue doing it.

Do you complain to friends about job inequities but continue to work hard? Do you let your partner control your relationship by buying into the belief that you need one to be complete? Or that you’d feel like a failure if it didn’t work out? Do you brood in silence, rather than risk losing someone who does you wrong?’

Read the rest of this at the wonderful blog:
http://www.lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat.com/2007/10/giving-permission-with-silence.html

For some reason I find it very difficult to be really, truly honest and open a lot of the time. While I know I can trust people, especially him, deep down I somehow feel like asking for what I want, stating how I truly feel and such will not lead to anything good, just ridicule or worst of all, abandonment. In my brain I know this is very unlikely to be true, but my heart is still almost as insecure as when I was younger. I can’t shake the belief that I don’t deserve it.
However, today I asked for reassurance from him and lo and behold, that’s exactly what I got! Straight away without any troubles at all! I had no idea it was that easy! I feel so great and so in love :)

It’s not that I lie when as asked, I am honest. I pretend some issues aren’t there, I just don’t talk about some things, and I dodge some subjects, the really deep ones, when they come up. It’s not that I’m not honest, it’s that I bottle up.

I have this feeling that things will collapse, or not ever happen, if I talk about my dreams and wishes and wants. If I admit what I want, or what I really love, I’ll lose it or never have it at all. I’ll be a failure and people will look down on me, or pity me. I know now that these thoughts are just in my head…I need to relearn this. Because what I most of all want is to truly connect to others. No idea how I’ll transform my mind though…

I called him back just to tell him I miss him…normally I chicken out when it comes to saying that kind of stuff (even though I always think it), but I felt it and I knew he needed to hear it so I just went for it. And he said it back.

I don’t know what I’m scared of..We’ve been together for ages and it isn’t about needing to hear it back, I want to tell him because I want him to know. Still I find it so hard getting those words out. Though I do show my love for him through my body language and actions, and maybe that’s the important thing. Actions do speak louder than words.

Absolutely, but not when my feelings are down to insecurity and stupidity in my own mind, and not when it’s about things that happend a long time ago…and definitely not when I’m upset about things that might not have much to do with the truth at all.

Letting them fester inside is horrible, but letting them out will only make them worse. I might even create the problem I’m fearing, even if it wasn’t there to begin with. I really need to learn to ignore the little things and just let them go.

This is such a difficult thing to do. When someone upsets or angers me I plan to tell them but then I think it’s the wrong time/plan to tell them next time I see them…and then by the time I’m ready to be honest about whatever was bothering me I’m not angry/annoyed/upset about it anymore. So I end up not telling them and then it might happen again and it makes me twice as angry/upset but again I can’t tell them. It’s an evil circle and it’s not good for me and my relationships. I need to really start working on this…but I’m scared.

I’ve decided that when I’m not honest about my feelings, I’m not allowed to sulk/feel upset/be moody. It’s very simple; Either I just have to be brave and tell people what annoys me/upsets me/makes me feel bad or I have to just ignore it. And if I can’t ignore it, I just have to be honest. Being obviously upset but trying to hide it really doesn’t make any kind of sense; it just makes it much worse for everyone. And managing to hide it is not constructive either; it’ll eventually turn into resentment. And I really don’t want that.