stay sober

had a beer a couple weekends ago. consumed subsequent beers on later evenings. i decided i want to drink again. i don’t want to be getting totally wasted like i did before.

i’ve been reading alot of “alternative” addiction literature (and by alternative i mean it’s not the disease model doctrine). changing life circumstances & personal values influence the way you use drugs & alcohol. good luck to all struggling with addiction.

it’s been quite a few days since i’ve had a drink, but i’m not truly sober cause i can’t seem to stop abusing pain pills. whatever it is, i’ll take it. i’ve been doing it for 11 years and haven’t had any ill side effects but i’m not sober. i just didn’t want to drink anymore. would like to stop with the pills though. i think i love them more than alcohol. i don’t even miss alcohol but i’d miss the opiates.

Going to my first meeting tonight. I feel relieved to finally know that I am an alcoholic. Now I don’t have to play the game or dance around it anymore; always wondering what will happen the next time I drink, who I’ll piss off, what I won’t remember, which responsibilities will go unnoticed. That’s the easy part, knowing that drinking = bad OFFICIALLY.

The hard part will be the rest of my life. But it also will be funny, interesting, sad, new, and above all else beautiful.