take better care of myself

_“Come on, little girl. You can do it! And it doesn’t have to be perfect! So you don’t have to give up!
Please don’t be afraid and do it, step by step. Slowly and steadily. Then you will reach your goals!”_

I so need to encourage my soft, caring and kind inner mes! Not only pay attention to the loud and ugly ones.

Due to the cold, the really bad last week, missing to take my medication carefully, some crazy hormones I totally messed my routine up. :/

Anyhow I know that every day is a new start – and not only every day but every second is. So I shouldn’t be mad that I didn’t got out of bed at 6:30 as I intended, but be mild and think about “how nice it was to cuddle with the bear a little bit more” and being secure for a while.

• I learned already some Japanese
• I was inspired by peoples thoughts and writings
• I realized again that I’m not as stupid as I’m feeling
• I wrote and was happy to write
• I reduced my links on delicious
• I didn’t ate

And now, after I’m catching myself before falling into those bad thoughts, I am able to do something against it. The day isn’t over yet! It’s 11:26 a.m, the day is not over yet!

• Stop sitting in front of the PC
• Shut down the PC
• Eating breakfast with the bear
• Showering
• Meditating
• Clean my desk
• Starting to work on my Diplom thesis
• Make a break and during that break…
• Create the daily do-it-list after Seinfeld for February
• Re-start working on the Diplom thesis
• Finish it and doing my back exercises while listening podcasts
• Reading a bit
• Enjoying the evening with the bear

This isn’t so difficult. I can do it – I did it in the past and so I am able to do it right now… I can, I can … !

I know, now a time starts where I need to take really good care of myself. Feeling bad, empty and stupid. Seeming myself doing the same mistakes again and again, knowing: Only me can stop this!

I’m tired, I want to rest – but I know this would be the wrong decision. It would be hiding. Fleeing from the reality. Trying to make the time run faster – and afterwards feeling worse.

It’s so cold…

Maaaaaahh … my nose hurts and my stomach as well. I don’t know why. Anyhow I got out of bed, take a good shower and now trying to be slow and careful. Not being lightheading just because I’m feeling a little bit better.

\me sighs Why have colds to be so ugly?

That’s why I was spending whole day in bed. I’m not able to lay down anymore at the moment, so I packed myself into warm clothes and allowed me to check my newsfeeds and mails for one hour.

I need to be up at least a bit in order to be able to sleep tonight.

Listened to my inner me, but not hiding completely. Probably it’ll need some time till I get there but I’m practicing it continuously.

Yesterday I had the chance when some friends of my bear came to our flat to play some tabletop games. I didn’t hide all time in my room – as I planned – but spend some time playing one game and watch another one.

As well as I went to bed at 11:30 because I was so tired. And I didn’t had a bad conscience! :))

It’s not the first time I experienced this feeling. So often, during therapy sessions or when my honestly talking to friends, I could’ve cried. I didn’t, I pulled myself together.

I felt moved to tears because there were people actually recognizing me as a worthy person, the praised what I’ve did and they saw, that I had overcome a hard time. They were nice, they didn’t treat me like I didn’t deserve any kindness.

I don’t remember the past in details. I don’t know, when there were people really caring and kind. Of course my family loved me – I guess, but I created a huge distance such that I wasn’t able to feel this love anymore.

Friendships were not serious. I thought they were friends but in the end they didn’t treat me good (Only once in my lifetime I found people who where honest and kind – and I was so stupid and left them, kept them in my heart but left).

It’s so tough searching for something in the false place! I won’t feel better if I’m not starting to treat myself better. To “love” myself – to trust myself and to be kind. How could I feel good, if I’m punishing myself with every thought and word which judges what I’ve done. Nothing was good enough …

In order to not hate myself, I need to stick to some of my goals today. It’s now 19:55 and there are only 2 hours left.

• Learn 20 new Kanjis √
• Listen to podcasts while √
• Doing my physio exercices √
• Training awareness

This should be doable – so I don’t have any excuses right now! Doing it and feeling better! Taking care of myself and not hate me!

it’s good that I’m not able to share those thoughts. They’re precious! And very fragile! And most of the people around me tend to break them down by just being realistic.

But those moments aren’t made for being realistic. Those moments are made to be points of calmness, of rest, of hope.

Oh, this sounds so kitschy.

I don’t want anybody to destroy those feelings again! I need them to have a reason to live. When I’m feeling so wide, and like everything is connected and “good” .... it lets me forget for once how brutal this world really is.

And so far I can be a little bit proud of myself. There is a bunch of things I can do to make myself feel more comfortable including “not let them bother me!”

The last days I tried being honest to myself and trying not to think about “why or why not doing things” but concentrating on the stuff I had (or want) to do. And I was given an amazing outcome, it worked. I was able to do so many things including such things like houseworks ;).

• Go out of bed early to have some time for myself
• Train awareness during showering
• Think about what I could and need to do
• Take my time to drink a tea and a glass of orange juice
• Maybe just sit some minutes and relax (I didn’t tested it yet, but I’m reading about it, and it’s quite inspiring! :) )
• When I’m hungry, prepare healthy food (and if I tend to binge, go to the bear and tell him)
• Do myself some small good things (like buying a new pencil, take a food bath, ...)
• Switch of the computer (so much time ! :) )
• Read focused
• Go to bed not too late
• Kiss
• Learn Japanese (it’s really motivating so far :) )
• Read newsfeeds
• Decide what to do next (not being driven by mood or whatever)

Today is the first time in the year that I’m going to work. The next 10 weeks will be very tough and so it is so important that I take care of myself in order to not get stressed out and fail to get my Diplom.