figure out my future

I invited my dear Laura and darling Didem to form a team with me for this goal, since we all share the same important goal here and I also couldn’t hope for a better team for something like this! ♥♥

My last update was 8 months ago. I can’t say that a lot of things would have fundamentally changed during that time, at least when it comes to figuring out my future – I still don’t know what I want to do. But other than that, my life is going really well, which also helps with my worries about the future.
I’m not so concerned about what will happen to me, I know that I’ll figure things out eventually. I just have to be patient and let things come to me.

What I know so far about my future is that I will be finishing my studies here at the university of Tampere. I’ll try to get my Bachelor’s degree as a Nordic languages major student, and after that I’ll find something else, something more suited for me. Getting my degree will probably take about a year, maybe closer to two years. We’ll see. This will also give me more time to try to figure out what it is that I really want to be doing with my life. To find my true passion. I might not find it straight away, but at least I’ll probably take some steps forward and move along on my journey in life, on the right path.

I also know that I want to share my future & my life with Juho. The future looks very bright for us indeed. ♥
Lately I’ve also been thinking about what I really want from life, I’m trying to make a list in my head about all the things that are important to me etc. I’ll attempt to write that list down someday, I think it would be very helpful.

The future does not frighten me anymore, I’m ready to welcome whatever comes out of it with my arms held open wide. :)

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. I’m not doubting my devotion, my enthusiasm, my desire for this, but sometimes I feel I might be reaching for the stars, and that might be just too much. It’s the age-old question playing in my head – can I do this? – and I honestly do not know. There are days when I feel I can do anything and then, like right now, there are moments of deep apathy when I wonder why I even bother trying to reach for my dreams. It’s probably the fear of failure that is paralysing me, I’m so afraid that I don’t even dare to try.

Ah, to get my head straight and remember that the world will not fall apart.

I’ve been engaged in some serious planning concerning my future the past couple of weeks, and the outlines have pretty much been drawn now – the next step is to put plans in motion. Much research has been done, some things still need clarification but overall I should have gathered enough information to start working on the most important part of the whole plan. And the clock is ticking, it’s a race against time.

_{cryptic, but this is all I can say for now}

For a countless times I have been told that I could make a good academician.

Being a student for a looong time, and still staying at the school even after graduating all those grad schools sounds like a right thing to do for me.

But academic life is really really challenging, and my GPA is not that high yet, even I finally managed a GPA that is over 3.00

And am I ambitious and patient enough to carry the burden of academic life?

I’d love to, if I could. But here in METU, being an academician thing is like an unrealistic fantasy most of the times. Really tough.

I’m an ambitious person in some ways of mine, but I’m not a competitive one.

I’ve got a very curious nature,I like learning on my own and I believe that I’m a fast learner.

But, really, is this enough? And more importantly, Is it worth it?

Tomorrow I’ll be going back to work after two and a half weeks, and although it isn’t such a long time per se, so much has happened to me that it feels like a lifetime since I last was there. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want to go back and face the daunting hours, watch days turn to weeks, weeks to months, without a promise it’ll end soon. And so I’ve been thinking. If I don’t get into any schools next year, I might as well pack my bags and go to England, find a job and figure something out then, at least I’d have love waiting for me there (providing we pull through). And if I do get in, I’d try to get my degree as quickly as possible and then follow love wherever it takes me. I can’t express it in words just how much I want him to be a part of my life, now and in the future. I need to get my degree in something but after that, if we can make this work, I wouldn’t mind following him wherever and just… see what will happen. As much as I’d want things to go like this, I’m dubious. And I’m scaring myself a little by having thoughts like this already when everything is still very uncertain. The main thing is, though, that I can’t stay at my current job forever, I don’t want to, so as soon as it is possible, I’m going to quit.

_{Truthfully, I’ve dreamed of leaving Finland at some point, I forgot about that dream for a couple of years, but now it’s stronger than ever. And if there is still someone waiting for me tomorrow, next week, in the months to come, I will go.}

Ok, in my previous entry I stated that I wanted to be a lighthouse keeper. But I guess, at first I want to give a try at social science stuff. Actually, one thing that is sure in my mind is that, I’m gonna go to grad school after I get my degree and continue my academic life.

Anyways, social science is a veeery vast thing and I guess I’m gonna have to narrow my field down.

I’ve always thought that, it would absolutely be lovely to get a degree in anthropology after getting a degree in sociology. I can strongly feel that these are my things. Humanity! Then, working in the field of human rights could be a reasonable thing to do after gaining a deep acquirement in study of societies and human beings. If I can become competent enough in my field, I would love to work for an establishment such as UNHCR (The UN Refugee Agency), or AI (Amnesty International) and so on.

Another field that I thought I can study or work could be Media. I always loved writing and photography even though I don’t find myself competent in these fields. But I think, I could improve myself by taking classes, attending to seminars and workshops. Also, social science studies could improve my perspective and perception of world. I know someone who could arrange me an internship about media, in CNN Turk, that could help too. This road is full of different experiences and alternatives as well!

Finally, I guess I will never be a full-time artist, but at least I wanna continue on producing things and improving myself, also become well-informed in the realm of art. I want to be taking photos, reading-writing things, and be playing the guitar until I die…

SO much to do.
I need to work so f..king hard and the thought of it tires me already.

But you know what they say:

No pain no gain!

In case social science thing does not work out for me, I want to be a lighthouse keeper!

Showing lost crew’s their way and gazing at the seasparkles.
Playing the acoustic guitar, composing songs for seals to listen at night, writing stories of those lost crews and taking photographs of everything related to these magical things.

That must be life!

How fairytalish…

My head is spinning. There are so many things to think about, and they all come down to this one thing, figuring out my future. Every meaningful ‘thing’ on my list leads back to this goal.

• figuring myself out – when I learn to understand myself, I’ll surely have a clearer view of my future as well
• finding my passion – again, when I find the thing that motivates me the most, it’ll help me build up my future
• going back to school – well that’s rather self-explanatory, isn’t it?
• staying single – truthfully, I don’t even know if I want to be single or not

I feel so exhausted for not knowing what I want anymore. What do I want to study? Do I want to keep my current job? Should I try to find a new apartment? Do I want to be in a relationship? I don’t know.

There is so much pressure and anxiety building up inside me that I can’t think straight. It doesn’t matter that I really do not need to have my future figured out at this age, it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have my life planned out already. It’s just that I don’t know, and that bugs me a lot. I can’t even decide which road to take, because each option seems equally… the same.

To stay or go? To let go or pursue something that has no promise of working out? To forget or continue (day)dreaming? To stay the same or try changing?

When is it that I will find My Thing ?
_{When is it that I’ll feel like living as an adult, for real?}

I’ve got just soooooo much things in my mind nowadays and don’t even know how to organize my thoughts!