I wanted to cuddle again last night, but was again told no. the first time he said that, I was highly upset and cried, but that was because of some earlier incident and he was pissed off at me. The second time, I was upset again, he said that he wasn’t into that, that he didn’t have the need for human contact like me. I asked that if he could hug and cuddle his girlfriends, why not your best friend? What’s the difference? Of course, he didn’t answer, what a prick. Then he was like, I don’t know how I feel, it’s complicated, blah blah. I stormed for about 10 minutes, then stewed in bed for another 10 until I got out of bed and asked him,’how do you feel about me?’ he couldn’t give me a straight answer! He answered with a question, ‘What do you want me to say?’
I hate that crap! Either you have feelings for me or not. Don’t jerk me around. I told him that it’s not fair that I can’t touch him, that I can’t show any affection for my best friend. I loved him so much, I hurt. then I asked him again, ‘how do you feel about me?’ Again, I got, ‘what do you want me to say?’ I was so angry I couldn’t speak. What I wanted to yell was BE HONEST WITH ME!! I just went back to bed and stared at the ceiling until morning, I was so angry that my adrenalin was running. I didn’t sleep at all. I still haven’t slept now because when I’m pissed, my body reacts. It takes a day or two for me to calm down, unless I run.
I texted him saying that I was done with his crap, that I’ll find a new best friend that will accept me totally, that won’t shy away from affection. Yet we can fool around—he was just using me. Of course, that scared him and he’s all apologetic. He assured me I wasn’t being used (yeah right) and he asked, ‘What do you want from me?’ I told him, ‘Your love’. He said, ‘You already got it’ I was dumbfounded, cos I surely didn’t feel like I had his love at all.
Reading about the ‘5 languages of love’ (google that), his way to express it is quality time (he’ll make noise to get me out of bed to hang out with him—yet he’s a night owl, i’m one too but forcing myself to be an early bird so that’s NOT FUN getting out of bed at 1am to play with him and his drunken cohorts) and thru acts of service (he’ll clean house to make me happy). I’m physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. I love hugging, kisses, giving cards but i’m paired with someone who doesn’t like to hug, doesn’t like to give gifts (but doesn’t mind receiving them) and will compliment—sometimes for something the next day! I would like to hear how nice my dress was the night I wore it, not two days later!!
After texting back and forth, he realizes how I feel. Now to deal with him face to face, that’s another matter. Dunno if he feels for me is real or just acting the part to keep from losing me—after all, “it’s complicated.” 4 years ago