5 Years and counting… not that it is always easy! 6 months ago
Entries from everyone
“Her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words.”
- Margaret Mitchell.
Perfectly desbribes me :)
1 year and 3 months counting :) 20 months ago
Loved, been loved and lost love as well. But it was worth it, and it has made me a better person. 23 months ago
Ok, I’ll admit it:
Infatuation feels GREAT!!! Especially when it’s mutual and reciprocated.
It’s not love.
Oh how I wish it were, because it’s so darn easy to become infatuated with someone. And, honestly, right now I am utterly head-over-heels infatuated with a really amazing guy.
But, it’s not love.
And I so desperately want to rush head first into this and make it into love. But, it doesn’t work that way.
My crush and I had an intense few days, lots of flirting and a lot of time spent communicating back and forth through texts, IMs etc. And then, on Tuesday, it died down a bit. Today (Wednesday), it was also a bit calmer.
I was SO tempted to text and IM him all throughout the day yesterday. I didn’t, because I get how men can often pull back a bit after some intense feelings.
Then, I realized something: I wanted to text him so he’d text me back and give me attention. I wanted attention because I just had received a ton of it from him, and I was feeling lonely.
So, I stopped and looked at the situation. Evaluated the facts. He’s told me he really likes me, and he thinks we have something really special. He’s also said that he doesn’t want to rush too fast along this path because he doesn’t want us to fall into a ditch.
How sweet is that?
First of all, why should I be worried if I don’t hear from him every single moment of every single day. It’s not like we’re in love or a committed relationship (yet). Plus… am I really that pathetic?
Last night, I decided that today, I would refrain from texting him and focus on me. I spent a lot of time creating a list of 100 reasons to love myself.
I am SO SO SO glad I did that… because I am finally learning to truly love myself. And, ultimately, isn’t that what I want? To be loved?
So. Cool. :) 2 years ago
I guess I’ve known this about myself for a long time, but perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps I didn’t want to face the truth that, historically, I have based my self-worth on the attention I’ve gotten from men. This led me into an abusive marriage, followed by a mediocre relationship (it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t beautiful).
There’s this guy that I’m interested in right now. Totally crushing on him. And, bonus! He likes me, too. I even have it in writing. He has said “I really like you”... you don’t get much more clear than that.
Tonight, when I got home from my son’s band concert, I really wanted to message this guy. We spent most of the weekend IMing, texting, Skyping – it was great !!! Happy happy joy joy. I sent him a few little messages today (just a “Hey” “How’s it going?” kinda thing), to which he responded to. But tonight, I was, like I said, really tempted to message him again. I knew that he was online; it would’ve been easy. And, I know that he would’ve responded. But, I didn’t.
That wasn’t an easy decision to make. I really wanted his attention. I stopped and thought to myself, “Cricket, what are you feeling right now?” The answer that came back was lonely. I’d had a lot of attention from this fellow in the last few days, and now it wasn’t that intense. Panic alarms went off: what if he doesn’t like me? What if I’m not good enough for him? etc…. all those old messages came flooding back.
In the past, those panic alarms (literally – anxiety attacks) would’ve led me to message the guy and get a temporary fix of what I craved: attention. But how’s that type of behaviour working for me? If it really worked, then I wouldn’t be single right now!!
I felt my way through this mild anxiety attack, and let myself feel a bit lonely and anxious. Then, rather than contacting him, I did stuff for ME.
I know I’m not completely at that “love yourself” phase yet. I’m trying. But, I’m learning some very important things: I am worthy of love! But, that love of which I deserve needs to come from myself first. If I’m always seeking someone to fill me up with love, I will never be satisfied. 2 years ago
The other day, my friend Zoe lent me a book. We do this often, loaning books to one another. Our typical Sunday morning conversation typically pertains to something we’ve read recently. The book she just gave me is called “Still Alice.” It’s a fictional account of a woman, Alice, who is a psychology professor at Harvard, and who, at 50, is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s Disease. I’m about half-way through the book.
So far, the author is doing a good job of articulating Alice’s frustration and deterioration. She also highlights Alice’s husband John’s difficulty in dealing with Alice’s diagnosis. It is a very emotional read.
Why am I talking about that here? This morning, I stayed home from work to nurse a sick child, so I had some luxurious time to just read. I read for a bit, then decided it was high time to jump in the shower. While in the shower, I was overcome first by sadness and then fear.
What if I never find someone to love me “in sickness or health” the way John loves Alice? What if I’m all alone when I’m old? I felt sad and afraid – intensely so – all at once, and broke down into tears.
I tried doing what my therapist suggested, repeating some affirmations over to myself, reminding myself of all of my past successes. It helped a bit,I guess. I still feel a bit down though.
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to get to a point in my life where I don’t desire love because my love for self is so strong and fulfilling, or if this desire to be loved can ever truly go away. 2 years ago
I just got into a relationship( 1 month and counting..) and he is looking at as serious long term which i don’t mind it just he telling me ‘the l word’ already and he can tell i’m holding back but I guess it’s only because when I gave myself to another he turned around and pretty much said ‘i don’t care’. It’s only been a month he needs to give me time to attempt to love him back.
he makes me smiles a lot so i guess i’m making progress.. 2 years ago
I have been searching out love. Yearning for it. Sacrificing for it. Being hurt by it.
But do I really know what ‘it’ is?
I suppose I have an idealized vision of what love look like and feels like. But, I’ve recently discovered that what I’ve been seeking – and finding – isn’t necessarily love. It’s attention.
Somehow, at some point in my life (when I was very young – perhaps as young as 4 or 5), I began equating love with attention. And not just any attention: the type of attention you get when you’re sick, hurt or in distress. While I was still a very little girl, I discovered that if you acted broken, people paid attention to you… which, in my youthful mind, meant people loved you.
Sure, part of love is giving and receiving attention. But love does not equal attention, nor does attention equal love.
For nearly the past 4 decades, I have actively sought out attention, but passively yearned to be loved. I realize now that if I am going to be truly capable of receiving love – real love – I need to let go of my need/desire for attention.
Letting go isn’t easy. I’m reminded of the Peanuts cartoons, and Linus with his blanket. It served a purpose. It provided comfort. But, there comes a time when we have to look at what it is we truly want and if our actions and our beliefs support our heart’s deepest desires.
I think I can safely say that my deepest desire is to love and be loved. I’m also pretty certain that my twisted desire for less-than-healthy attention is blocking love from entering my life.
The only problem is, it’s hard to let go of a habit you’ve had for over 30 years. How do I do it? What am I afraid of? What if I let go of it, and love isn’t there? Do I just have to have faith? Hope? What does it take?
Cricket. 2 years ago
For so long, I’ve focused on the “be loved” part of the equation. Perhaps it’s time to focus on the other part.
But, do I know how to do that?
Cricket. 2 years ago
I’ve been thinking about this all day. Have I ever truly loved someone without trying to possess them? My gut reaction is to immediately say “No… Except for my kids…” but I know that I have a hard time loosening the reigns of control with my teenaged sons.
I want so badly to be in love. I crave it more than I care chocolate when I’m PMSing! The last man I fell for, well, it didn’t work out. When I couldn’t possess him, I got clingy, needy and desperate. My relationship with my last boyfriend was possessive, too: I was so concerned about having him (and being possessed by him as well), that I stopped freely giving my love.
Looking back, I can see that I was utterly possessed by my ex husband. He was incredibly controlling, jealous of my friends ( to the point where I wasn’t allowed to have any), and he never ever treated me in a loving way. He did not freely give love (perhaps it wasn’t his to give?)
Did I like how that felt? Hell no!! Then why the hell have I been trying to possess others instead of giving them love?
This whole possession thing really hasn’t been working for me. Time to try a new tactic: give love to those around me. Maybe that’s the key. 2 years ago