get over my panic and anxiety disorders

Two things happened yesterday that make me think I’m in better shape:

One was that I started group therapy, which I love, and someone said to me (first day, no less) that, quote, “You’re so upset about not having the answers that you’re not able to ask the right questions.”

It sounds vague, but it meant a lot in context.

Second was that I realized I forgot an important appointment, got really freaked out, and handled the stress by… playing video games.
I didn’t cut, I didn’t bust up my hand on a wall, I didn’t curl up in a ball; I did the dishes, I ate dinner, I played video games, I watched TV. I was stressed, but it was much better than it would have been 2 months ago.

Yay me.

... doing better with all of this; I’ve had several opportunities to flip out in the past few days, but somehow I managed not to. I’ve got a new repetitive phrase: “One thing. One thing. One thing. One thing. One thing…”

It’s a reminder that if all else fails, just focus on one thing, because that’s better than shutting down completely. Sometimes “one thing” means putting on one shoe, but it’s prevented a couple of freeze-ups.

Had a gap in one of my meds, which was bad, but my stuff came in yesterday, so today I started back. With any luck, this will keep me going stronger than the past week.

I’ve noticed a lower level of freakout lately. Been off one of my meds the past few days because I didn’t renew in time, but hopefully that won’t last too long. I’m substituting with one of my PRN (as needed) medications, which is holding for the moment.

By the way: when you start using ‘PRN’ in casual conversation, you’re taking too many meds.

(smile)

... this video about that father and son team, where the son has essentially zero use of his body and he roped his once-overweight father into running him around marathons. Truly inspirational, but there was one moment in the video that bothered me: the dad said something along the lines of, “if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish it.”

Bullshit.

A positive attitude is a light in the darkness, but I’ve seen first-hand that your mind can be your own worst enemy, and sometimes there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. That “positive thinking” misconception is one of the most frustrating things about my neurological problems: people don’t know what it’s like not to be able to control your own brain. It makes me sick to think about it.

... over the med nausea. We’ll soon see whether the new meds actually make a major positive difference.

... new med nausea only lasts a few days, and is strongly decreased by taking the meds after eating.

... they told me not to mess with my meds without letting them know. I’m also on a new med, which seems to be making me really nauseous.

Very uncool.

... I journaled, and did some “honesty writing” (which is exactly what it sounds like). Pulled up some negative stuff, but then found some positive stuff under it.

I took extra of my anti-panic meds (just a little) because it’s not getting me the results I need, and this is not a time to be “close” to being ready to start school.

... trying to deal with school stuff. Everthing that added on top just brought the whole thing closer to collapsing.