Exemplify health and fitness

• rode my bike downtown on Saturday
• played badminton for about half an hour on Sunday evening
• have started eating breakfast (every day this week!)
• am still taking my vitamins almost every morning
• have been trying to divide my plate into quarters – one quarter section each for protein and starch, and the remaining half plate covered in at least two, sometimes three, veggies or salad.

• back to having a beer or two almost every day, and last weekend drank a pitcher of margaritas myself – both days! (still no wine though – that’s something, I guess)
• eating a lot of fast/packaged food and too much red meat
• not drinking nearly enough water
• am making time for Nia only once a week, and have told David that I would prefer not to run in the mornings any more until school is finished, so exercise is seriously lacking

Overall, I’m feeling pulled in too many directions and my self-care has taken the worst hit. I’m paying close attention to my mental/emotional health though, cutting myself slack all over the place so as not to add to my stress by worrying about all that I’m NOT doing because I’m too busy doing all that I AM doing.

At least once a day I catch myself daydreaming about all that I’ll enjoy once school ends… preparing healthy meals and exercising daily top the list.

Marty and I went out on Saturday morning for our first practice of the season. It was a beautiful day for it – sunny and warm, but with a refreshing breeze to keep us cool. Despite not having played at all last year, we both played surprisingly well. It was 45 minutes of great fun and we remarked several times that we can’t wait to get out on the courts again really soon.

which is baaaaaaad.

But ….

they were goooooood.

_{shakes head at self and mutters something about being a dumb ass}

Last night’s nia class was new choreography for me (Thursdays are now ‘retro nia night’ so I get to experience past routines that I’ve missed). Not being at all a natural dancer, I find new choreography quite a challenge to coordinate, remember and execute gracefully (basically if I don’t fall down or tie myself in a knot, I’m doing well). But never before have I actually hurt myself. Last night’s routine involved a great deal more martial arts type movement than most have, and all that kicking – which I love! – combined with my flailing about to keep up with the changes, resulted in what I think is a mild strain of the, ahem, gluteus maximus.

The pain this morning is much less than it was last night, which is good, especially because I am scheduled for a jog and nia again tomorrow, AND a nia retreat all day Sunday! Rotten timing for a bum injury.

I’ll do lots of gentle stretching and mobilizing today and say a little prayer to the healing gods before bed tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll wake up recovered and pain-free.

• have been out jogging twice in the last week, that’s the first time since mid-January, I think. We didn’t go far but our pace seemed comparable to what it was back then. I wasn’t excessively short of breath, and did remember to take ventolin just prior.
• am back to nia three days a week and although my reflection is wider, I feel limber and fairly coordinated and strong.
• have signed up for a six week ‘walking challenge’ at work. Participants record daily step counts with a pedometer with the ultimate personal goal that I/we increase to 10,000 per day; and with the ultimate group goal that we collectively ‘walk across Canada’ in six weeks (something like 5.5 million steps). I’m averaging 5000 a work day (7,500+ on Nia days), and 3000 a weekend day. I’ve had only two days over 10,000. But, at least I’m conscious of it now – actively sought out the stair wells at work, and have stopped looking for closer parking spots. I’d love to get out for a real walk – maybe in the woods behind work – but I’m feeling wussy and am holding out for warmer weather
• have been eating garbage for a while now, but have just in the last two days been inspired to address this. I have a rough idea of what to do next week to prepare a simple healthy meal each night before 6:30 pm. Sounds elementary, I know, but the act of preparing dinner has become utterly daunting for me.
• have abandoned the personal niceties – dry brushing my limbs gently before my shower, frequent bubble baths, facials – they all just feel like a chore right now
• laying way off the alcohol, without struggle, and enjoying that freedom

Generally I feel like I’m finding my way back to my pre-January groove, which was a good, progressive groove. But… I’m stressed, and am succumbing to old patterns of avoidance, denial, distraction and anxiety. I feel fortunate, at least, that I can see it all clearly happening, and to some degree I feel detached from it, which is good, but still the fact remains, I’m stressed. And I’m letting it impact my commitment to my health and fitness goals.

Just on a quick break from school work… I was logged into my leadership “class”, replying to a discussion thread which asked each student to identify her own leadership style. Having just wrapped up that vocational counseling in the fall, I’ve given this plenty of thought lately, so I just started clicking away at the keyboard, none too mindfully, figuring the answer would come easily.

And it did. And here it is:

I did take the survey, but I didn’t bother doing the math to find my total – it seemed pretty clear where my strengths and weaknesses are in terms of leadership style. And I think I know why. I have actually given this a ton of thought over the last couple of years, because I’ve always found myself in leadership roles, or being encouraged to lead, and without exception, I’ve resented the stress and shenanigans that come with the position.

I think the qualities that wind me up in leadership roles are that I am curious, a voracious learner, loyal, grateful, articulate, independent and planful. All of those traits combine to make me a pretty good self-starter and someone who gets bored easily so she gets into side projects that are ultimately designed to make things run more smoothly around the workplace. But what they never understand – and what I’ve only just realized about myself – is that I AM a natural leader, but only of myself!! Hahaha… what good is that???

Where I completely fall apart is in the ‘people skills’. I’m often crusty, occasionally a know-it-all, impatient, critical, and unapologetically tardy. If I had a boss like me, I’d quit. So whenever I get a whiff of one my bosses trying to promote me, I start digging in my heels.

Unfortunately, I think over the years I’ve even become a slightly cruddier employee as a result. In an effort to dissuade the encouragement to step into a lead role, I notice myself volunteering less, working more to rule, offering little. I don’t like it at all; it’s counter to my innate work ethic, but now that I’ve noticed it, I can at least begin to resume being my best at work again.

While I was re-reading it before saving the post, I was sort of stunned – joyfully stunned – by the nice compliments I paid myself. I was equally pleased to see how candidly honest I was about my failings, and how I didn’t get mired down in my imperfections, I just made my point and moved on.

It made me so happy – seemed like a post I’d have read of someone else’s not long ago, and would have envied the self-assured tone. I’d probably have thought of the author as someone who seemed to know herself pretty well, someone emotionally strong and healthy. And I’m her! _{(at least some of the time – and that’s an improvement!)}

No sane person starts a diet at this time of year, right? So I committed to simply not gaining any weight over Christmas, thinking that to be a healthy, moderate approach. However for the past week or more, I think since I went to Hamilton with my Mom, I have COMPLETELY lost my grip on the reins that steer my choices. I’m eating more – more quantity, more crap, more than I need. I can already feel my body expanding, my jeans tightening.

Entirely the wrong direction. Must take action.

Hm…over the past couple of days I’ve noticed that I am not having to talk myself out of fast food like I used to struggle to do. Now, when I consider a quick snack on my way by Taco Hell, for example, I can hear a clear, articulate voice suggesting healthy alternatives. Wow! No struggle?? No argument?? No self sabotage??? Oh I could get used to this!

I don’t know what brought about the change, but it is SOOOO welcome. Fast food had all but replaced my cigarette addiction since I quit smoking (again) last November, and I’ve been battling it on and off all that time. Until now. This morning as I was racing to get to work, the breakfast bagel from Tim Horton’s and the egg McMuffin from McD’s both crossed my mind, but in short order I observed my thoughts turn first to the waste associated with those purchases – wrappers and a bag – then to the extra couple of buck out of pocket that I really ought not to waste – then to the whole wheat English muffin in my kitchen and the lone slice of black forest ham and the creamy herb & spice havarti in the fridge, and how it couldn’t take any longer to throw an E-muffin in the toaster than it would to detour to buy breakie on the way to work.

It was hands down the most delicious breakfast sandwich ever in the history of breakfast sandwiches – and I didn’t miss the slice of self-sabotage at all.

For a larf we joined in with the Running Room’s regularly scheduled Sunday a.m. 10k run this morning. Intimidated as all hell, but I showed up anyway. And whaddya know? We did it. Ran the whole ten at a slowish but steady – and able – pace. Felt great!! (Yeah, but how will it feel tomorrow? My feet are already pretty achy)

Went to Nia last night despite my DEEP desire to stay home, get cozy and do nuthin’. That in itself feels healthy – I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, listened to my much quieter ‘healthy’ voice, and chose the more challenging, but way more rewarding, option that I’d be proud of. That’s great, sure, but there’s more.

When I got home, I received a call from David who is coming down with a cold and canceled our run for today, so thank goodness I went to Nia after all (one of my internal excuses to skip it was that I’d be going jogging this morning – good thing I didn’t cave on attending the class based on THAT excuse!)

AND, while there, I was able to offer real comfort, compassion and help to our instructor, who was all upset about something that she had just learned only moments before coming to lead our class. I’m always so grateful to see how other people deal with upsets, particularly people I admire, because I always learn something about both dealing with upset and about that person. Anyway, she was in much better spirits after the class, and I’m glad that I played a small part in her mood and perspective shifts.

During class, I watched myself in the mirror a fair bit. I’m very plump right now, and my clothes were form fitting. Most of the time, I couldn’t look at my own face. But … I was able to see my body without such harsh judgment as usual – I looked at my body objectively and decided that I have a very curvy, feminine figure. I have very strong and shapely arms. I have great aerobic endurance. I have excellent posture. I like the shape of my feet. And although I’m not very coordinated, I’m learning these routines with relative ease, and I give 100% all class long. Seeing myself the way, perhaps, my Mom would or a dear friend would, felt very healthy. What a welcome shift in my own perspective!