Stop panicking

boy, i needed to post it like 6 mos. ago!!!

i was getting over my break-up and it felt all scary and i lacked confidence etc. etc. now i’m totally fine!!!

just forgot abut this goal at all =) means i’m done!!!

I’ve been very happy for the past week, save a couple of worries about how much I’ve been eating (a lot of fruit, and the snack cakes have been piling up a bit.) It’s been a good week. School has been going very well (I finished designing and putting together our literary magazine and I’ve also finished timing the mouth movements to my senior project stop-motion animation.) I’ve also sculpted a bit.

My spring break was so much fun. It was a very much-needed break from school, plus, I was kidnapped by my friends (not school friends, my school friends don’t hang out with me.) I went to my friend Niki’s house on Sunday afternoon expecting to stay the night and leave the next morning at about ten. My mom called me on tuesday night, here’s the conversation.

Mom: Where are you?
Me: Niki’s house.
Mom: How long have you been there?
Me: Since Sunday.

I’ve never had a problem with things beyond my control. My panic stems from my demotivation rather than my need for control. If a train is late, I don’t panic or get angry. If there is a long line, I don’t panic or get angry. If I lose my keys or cell phone or ipod, I don’t panic or get angry. If I leave something somewhere (like if I leave my wallet at home,) I don’t panic. It’s not like I don’t act, I just don’t freak out.

Now I’m starting to worry if this is foolish.

I had an episode during school today. This seems trivial now that I am explaining it, but after assuring me that I could work on my own for the senior project, the teacher went ahead and put us into groups. I flipped out and started crying, which was more of a reaction against this compounded with all of my other fears and deadlines this month. I was stopped in the hallway during the next period by my freshman guidance counselor and he took me into his office where he calmed me down.

All is well now, though. After school I talked to the teacher and he agreed that if I worked hard on my solo project, he would let me do it. I guess he’s not such the enormous dick that I called him in class.

I had another panic attack last night. I constantly compare myself to others, which leads to extreme jelousy, which leads to self-deprecation, which leads to an elevated heart rate and more panicking about my future. I felt like crying but I couldn’t cry. Is this depression? Should I be seeing someone about this?

I think 80% of my time is spent panicking. I always feel like I should be doing something else. When I am doing nothing I worry about sewing. When I am sewing I worry about writing. When I am writing I worry about drawing. When I am drawing I worry about sewing. I panic about my future; how will all of these skills benefit me? Will they benefit me at all? Will I end up a poor, useless liberal arts graduate? Will my lack of concentration one particular skill lead my downfall? Is my downfall my own lack of self-confidence? HOLY CRAP NO!

It’s genetic. We’re a neurotic family. Every little thing means the end of the world. I don’t know how we function. Actually, we don’t, we all live apart. Good! I want the panicking tradition to stop on me! I can’t alter my genes (or can I?!), but I shall be the one to be smart about it!!

thank you to you people who helped me with this.

((hugs))

there is not a thing i can do to make my house look less fally down, or me any better.