find out who i am

I was waging wars on myself one night, not long ago. For being so different to what I expected to be at this age, for wasting time, for falling short of being my best, for making poor choices, for being unlucky, for being me. I was holding onto my glass as if for dear life, and I was hating myself for doing so. But I wouldn’t let go, couldn’t – I think. I was taking greedy gulps, while he was trying to explain that it is not I who I hate. That this isn’t me. That I don’t need to change, but to discover myself.
I was only slightly drunk, but already feeling sick. I hate it when that happens, and that happens quite often lately. Like Stephen King said, it’s not OK sober, and it’s no longer OK drunk either. I wish I knew I’ll get here before I started, but I started before I knew much else about myself. Therefore, soon after, I became my habits. And here I am, almost 10 years later, wondering what I would have become. And if I will ever become me, the real me, the me that should have been.
“Are you sure?” I finally asked. “Are you sure I don’t need to change?! All I do is wrong. All I feel is wrong.” After trying in vain to change for so many times, the thought of having to scratches my soul each daily, one bit at a time, so that it never dies, but it’s never acheless either. But maybe I don’t have to.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” (E. E. Cummings.)

So who am I? And, more important, would can I become? 6 months ago

A list of things I need to find out about myself.

- Values, beliefs, virtues and vices;
- What I need to accept and what I need to change;
- Likes, dislikes;
- What makes me happy, what makes me sad;
- What I need and what I want;
- What I am looking for in boys/girls;
- Who my true friends are and who I want in my life;
- My IQ and personality;
- The answers to my questions. 9 months ago

I wonder who I am… like i know my name and shiz, but like, what will I do? What will I accomplish? What am I truly capable of? I want so much, to do so much… <3 Maybe I will find out soon. 15 months ago

figure out what you want to do with your life 16 months ago

I am most satisfied by S.M.A.R.T. goals. Either you’re progressing, or you’re not. None of this mumbo jumbo fuzzy/fancy ambition.

I thought tonight maybe I oughta throw this one back into the slush pile.

Who ever heard of “finding out who I am” as an accomplishment? It never actually comes to pass.

BUT… the idea of it is still important.

I do want to get rid of this goal, but not without nailing down some good, specific replacements for it.

I don’t want to “give up” or call it “completed.” But, I guess the only option is to quit. That’s all the interface will allow. (Or just erase it entirely along with my earlier thoughts/posts… which doesn’t seem right.)

I’ll quit it tonight, but before I do, I want to explore for a moment what it would mean to translate this into a Specific, Measurable, Action-oriented, Realistic, Time-bound goal.

Ah hell. That’s a pretty tall order.

Let’s see…..

How might one find out who one IS?

• Observe oneself in various contexts (field methods)
• Test oneself against specific challenges (litmus tests)
• Attend to information from dreams

I can’t think of anything else.

SO, for now I’ll just break this down into those three goals. 18 months ago

hhhhh 19 months ago

I started to write an email to my professor, Dominique, just now… about the PhD program. Thank god I caught myself. She’s french and she’s brilliant and she’s delightful. I mean, I f’inv love this woman.

Here’s what I noticed, today, about myself.

I go to her BEFORE class, at 4pm, and what I really want is a connection with her. I want to be SPECIAL.

Yes, I want her advice, direction, what books should I read, what should I spend limited time on… But, as I settle into the seat across the desk from her and I notice I’m dancing with her a dance I used to dance with my father (who was also, let’s face it, a stranger to me). I’m trying to make her believe I’m special and important to pay attention to, and to invest in.

I tell her about my publications. I tell her about the high points, my accomplishments. I spin it just so, I do tell her how old I am, I leave some feeling of vulnerability – talking about the career change, my age, the debts I have to pay off, and how that precludes a PhD. I mention none of the lows – none of the real failures. I leave some mystery around what the fuck I’ve been up to for 17 years.

Before 10 minutes are past she is making comments about how she thinks I have the profile of a PhD student, and how she doesn’t think I’m too old, and I can tell she’s entertaining ideas of having me get on board there as a PhD student, and, honestly,

SUBJECT IS DRAWN TO APPROVING OLDER PRIMATE.

This is the dynamic I would have with my father – wanting him to think I have the profile of whatever “desirable.” Because, he would never know me, he would only have short impressions of me, and predictions about my future. And based on that, he would or would not favor me when he was around. Nothing was about reality with him. It was all about whether you could do a 15 minute dance. So,

SUBJECT IS ADEPT AT WINNING FAVOR DURING 15 MINUTE DANCE

I observe that part of who I am is a person who lapses – without MEANING to, without WANTING to – into hand waving and glossing over, for the sake of winning a momentary favor. It’s not good for me because afterwards I inevitably fear the let down, the reality check. I really must struggle to know how much truth to tell, and when. How to win people over with promise, without, in effect, conning them.

I want to be able to walk into this woman’s office and be able to win her favor, make her like me, and want to advise and help me, and guide me… but I don’t want to slip into figuring out immediately what she wants me to be and then right away telling her what she wants to hear, and, for example, going home and writing her an email about how I’m interested in the PhD program…. because I’m NOT.

I’m NOT.

Al I want is a damn job. Some advice. A little insight and a little help. I’m almost 38. I haven’t got 4 pennies to scratch together. I eat rice and beans. I have a mountain of debt. I need WORK. And much as I’d like to tap dance and make you love me as if I were your very own 9 year old child, that’s not what’s going on here. I need to stay grounded in reality. 20 months ago

My brother left.

For the first time since May, 2004, I have my own place.

It’s awfully quiet. Much quieter than any of the times my brother (blessedly) left the apartment while we lived together, or, before that, any of the times I was alone in my New Jersey or Philly or Indiana or New York apartments, with Roberto momentarily out of the picture.

This is a whole other kind of quiet – a kind I haven’t heard since 2004.

My brother said, “I’ll see you in a few days,” when he left. After he shut the door, unexpectedly, I felt my face start to tremble. That was a surprise.

The funny thing about this is, my brother moved in with me as a sort of a stop-gap, a make-the-best-of-it-solution for us both, when my relationship with Rob fell apart _{(exploded apart for the Nth time)} and my brother needed to save living expenses, too. That stop-gap just happened to last 2 years 8 months. As he closes the door behind him, and I catch my breath, it’s suddenly clear to me that this is actually the end (for me) of the chapter with Rob – the departure from myself that happened when I met Rob.

The last time I remember being a person with my OWN objectives (however badly I was meeting them) was when I was living alone, before I met Rob. I had my little place in New York. I was going for my Masters (a different one). And then I met him, and then the next many years passed by, in part clouded by him, and then in part clouded by my family.

Today, September 4, 2011, I am sitting on the floor in a nearly bare apartment, feeling like I’ve just emerged from a very long tunnel, and my life is my own again.

It shouldn’t be necessary – to have ones own apartment, to feel this way. I’m sure it’s not necessary. But, for me, living with people who hold strong sway… I’m not great at defining myself in the midst of it. It’s like trying to develop good posture in the middle of a typhoon.

It’s emotionally taxing. I feel very tired today. Emerging from that tunnel, at age nearly 38, remembering the sorts of things that were important to me at 30, wondering how I’ll pick up the threads of myself, from here, and go forward.

I am really not very sure who I am. I have tended to put other people’s definitions first. Without those definitions, I’m feeling a little unmoored and a little sad and scared.

I kind of wonder who I am, and whether I have it in me to do the work of becoming. After all, it’s no small job – becoming a person. It’s a lot of work.

But, at least I have a place to do it. A little apartment of my own. A place I live, where I don’t have to sneak out to go to a meeting or to avoid a fight, where I can make a priority of putting some flowers in a vase, if that’s what I think is important for the day.

There’s a new sheriff in town.

It’s ME. 20 months ago

I’ve been thinking about boundaries incessantly, lately.

I want to set down some boundaries between me and everyone else. So that I can figure out who I am, and have some space to do just what I want.

This step – getting this apartment absolutely of my own (the first really solo place in my adult life… imagine that? at age 37?) – seems critical. 21 months ago

What I think / What I don’t think
What I feel / What I don’t feel
What I want or need / What I don’t want or need
What I will do / What I won’t do
What is acceptable to me / What is not acceptable to me
I don’t know why but I can’t find the answer to these simple questions that I ask myself everyday. The minute I start to figure myself out something happens and I get lost all over again. The only thing lately that I have found out what I don’t want in my life is a certain person. This chick- just the sight of her makes me crazy. I aint mean to her. I try to be nice as I can when She is around but her bad personality always makes me think that something is wrong with me and I end up back at the bottom and having to climb my way back up again. People like her shouldn’t even be allowed in public. She reminds me of a high school girl who you would see on a teen movie who is always mouthing off to some girl who she thinks isn’t worth her time….. Avoidance is hard. I avoid her at any cost but there is always a time when your paths cross. Thats what life is like living in a small town….. I know that other people do not determine my potential and I know that my best days are yet to come. Nothing in my life will change unless I change it and I cant let someones negativity push me back to the starting line. I have to tell myself that MY LIFE isn’t about what others think. Its about what I think and its not about what others try to make me believe its about what I believe. I’m never going to settle. I am going to keep pushing to find out who I am. I will do what makes me happy. I will keep writing, drawing, reading and learning so that the talents that God has given me keeps getting better. I will use what I love to do to help me find out who I am. Maybe who I am is what drives that girl crazy who tries to ugly toward me. Maybe I just dont see what she sees in me. I know that people dont down anyone without a selfish reason for it. I also know that the answer to who I am wont come over night but this is my new goal and no matter what anyone’s opinions of me are I am set to find out my own opinion about ME. 23 months ago