Become still-minded and think what do I want? What do I REALLY want?

want…

i can’t even say it. 2 years ago

Because we live in a house that has dropped about 80,000 dollars in value since we bought it 4 years ago, we can not sell it without taking a huge financial loss that will put us deeper into debt.

Therefore, I feel obligated to work at any full-time job I can get, and right now, the pickings are quite slim. In fact, there is a good chance I might not even have one come September.

In better economic times, I would say, screw the being desperate for a job I don’t even want- Frog has health insurance for us now, and I can spend some time taking classes to gain new skills and trying to get as many freelance jobs as I can, which is what I’d rather do anyway. If the loss of my salary means we can’t keep up the mortgage payment, so be it- we will sell the house and rent a smaller, cheaper place and be happier anyway because we are living and working authentically.

But now, that’s not even an option. Selling the house wouldn’t even recoup us enough money to rent something if I don’t have a full time job.

Crap. I feel so trapped, and so stupid for buying at the top of the market, even though Frog’s financial worker family members said it was a better strategy than renting until the damned bubble went down. So now I am stuck hoping I can keep my job that I actually dread working at, or worse yet, hoping I can at least get the part-time job I don’t want either (but the only single one that even gave me an interview!) and won’t even really be enough money to bring in. 2 years ago

to feel calm energy coursing through me, vibrantly humming 3 years ago

is to have a good night’s sleep every night for several weeks in a row. Like 8 hours. 3 years ago

a letter to self:

Self,

it’s 2:18 in the morning. A good time to get still minded and think, What do I want? What do I really want? 3 years ago

but i took a tiny step towards stillmindedness on the train home today – i did some japa of the navakar mantra

(japa is chanting, but not singing) 3 years ago

at work. 4 years ago

there is a good chance (bad chance?) that i may get laid off in a couple of months.

for now, it doesn’t do to fret. I’ll know more come mid-May.

it’s good to be/stay still-minded. 4 years ago

i could get myself to meditate… but mind is so restless!

maybe should go exercise? it would exorcise the monkey from the mind? 4 years ago

attempt is the key word here…

but one must treat the monkey mind with gentle firmness 4 years ago