help my daughter to become a healthy, happy, self confident, self reliant adult.

I am sitting in the snack area of the local ice-skating rink. I took my almost-11-year-old and her friend to Friday night DJ skate.

They are giggling and staring at boys. I am watching at a discreet distance. Frogette’s friend has already gone through puberty, and Frogette, while flat, is gorgeous, so the boys are looking back.

If it was 1981, this would have been my mother taking a friend and I to the roller rink. I am watching them, and thinking, “It wasn’t so long ago that this was me.” (Although the boys didn’t look so much.) I feel like this is a definitive moment in my life. The passing of the torch.

Next, middle school. 13 hours ago

Tonight was so emotional for me. I went to Frogette’s middle school parent orientation. Frogette has been nervous about going to middle school. I guess I’m suffering from a bit of anxiety about it too, although I didn’t realize that until I was in the school tonight.

I worry about Frogette socially, partially because I was badly bullied in junior high school. Maybe more than partially, although I am usually good at not mixing up her and my issues, keeping healthy boundaries, yada yada yada. I guess I’ll have to keep monitoring this and make sure I don’t confuse her with me, don’t conflate her concerns with my trauma.

I must say, I was very impressed with every administrator and teacher who spoke to the crowd. (And as a teacher’s teacher, I’m not easy to impress.) They were all extremely personable and clearly dedicated to the kids. Each one encouraged us multiple times to call or email them any time we had questions or concerns. It seemed that they were aware and on the lookout for any problems the children might have with academic or social transitions, and I really liked the amount of support structures built into the sixth-grade year. I walked away feeling like every penny of the high taxes I pay on my house are worth it.

Even though Frogette is not yet 11, she is clearly moving into the teenager years. It’s not easy for either of us. 4 weeks ago

and told me that Frogette had showing her a picture text she had received that had an innuendo about the number 69 in it. According to my mother-in-law, Frogette had said that the picture was “inappropriately sexual” (which made me laugh because she definitely got that phrase from me). My mother in law was concerned that I speak to Frogette about sex because she didn’t want her getting the wrong information.

My mother-in-law also told me that Frogette had asked her to promise not to tell her mom and dad about the picture, and she asked ME to not tell Frogette that she had told me this. I’m trying to be charitable and give my mother-in-law credit for meaning well, but I don’t think much of her for telling Frogette that she wouldn’t tell us and then telling us. I know she was concerned about Frogette’s well being, and that’s why she told, but I’m not sure it was justified.

Yes, I’m surprised that Frogette knows what 69ing is at ten years old, but I don’t think it’s the end of the world. I think I was more like 11 or 12 before kids started talking about that stuff, but it’s a faster generation, unfortunately. I’ll need to talk to her more about sex, and make sure she’s getting non-sexist, complete information about it.

The hard part will be talking to her about it in a way that doesn’t reveal to her that her grandmother broke her confidence, because the biggest thing I want to get across to her is that she doesn’t have to hide these kinds of things from us. I want the lines of communication to be completely open, so she doesn’t feel like she needs to keep things secret. 3 months ago

I took my five year old to Chuck E. Cheese today. That place is overstimulation hell for me, but she loves it.

Tadpole has been with us for 2 and a half years now, since she turned three. In most ways, she adjusted rather quickly, but in some ways, she’s struggled. One of her issues was sharing- she had never owned any toys in the orphanage before we adopted her, and when she finally got some, she was loathe to let them go. Of course, all children have sharing issues to some extent, but hers were big. Sometimes I worried that she would have social problems when she started kindergarten because of this. (My elder daughter, on the other hand, was always too meek when it came to sharing, and never stood up for herself enough when other kids grabbed her toys. This probably made Tadpole’s sharing issues seem worse than they were by comparison, and since kindergarten has started, she’s been doing well, thank goodness, but I still worry.)

Today, when Chuck E. Cheese was throwing free tickets to a crowd of kids including my 5 year old, I watched her carefully. I wanted to make sure that she wasn’t too pushy, especially literally pushy, and that she was being fair to the other kids. What I saw warmed my heart. She was completely appropriate; assertive but not aggressive, having a ball grabbing tickets but letting other kids grab their fair share. I was so pleased- she really was super.

Then, about an hour later, my heart absolutely melted. I gave Tadpole two tokens to use while I watched from a booth, and when she saw a little girl crying (because the little girl had lost her token), Tadpole gave one of her tokens to the little girl. I can not tell you how touched I was by this. I am completely awed by my little girl. I adore her outgoing, strong-willed, mercurial, go for the gusto personality, and I admire this five-year-old tremendously. She is truly a miracle. 4 months ago

I am very pleased with myself about the talks Frogette and I have been having. She is struggling with social/popularity issues, and since this topic is a real button-pusher for me, I’ve been very careful to avoid giving overbearing advice or acting concerned. Instead, I’ve been expressing that I’m sorry she’s feeling anxious, I think she is a fantastic girl who will find her way and have lots of friends, that I’m always willing to talk about anything, or if she doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too. I’ve been telling her that if she ever wants me to intervene or help in other ways, I will, but if she wants me to back off, I’ll do that. Either way, I will always support her in any way she needs.

This seems to have worked, because lately, she’s been telling me more than she used to. One thing that she did say recently, in a conversation about some status-conscious “mean girls” in her class, was that I didn’t understand what it was like. Frog overheard this, and said, “You think Mama wasn’t ever a ten year old girl? Of course she understands!” But I shook my head and said, “There are some things I understand, but maybe there are some things I can’t understand. Things are different now than they were in 1980; I know that. But I also know that you are amazing, and that I’ll do whatever I can to support you.”

I think that the acknowledgement that I didn’t know exactly what she was going through was an important one to make. (I’m surprised that my usually sensitive husband didn’t understand that, but I think that I felt so failed by my parents in this area as a teenager that I have particularly heightened awareness of how to not do the same to my daughter.)

It hurts, of course, to see her suffer, but I feel very good about communicating strongly that I have her back in this. 4 months ago

letting Frogette stop playing clarinet.

My problem is, I didn’t have a good reason to make her continue, except a feeling that I should be making her take an instrument (based on my Jewish high achieving over-educated background.) It’s what a Tiger Mother would do. Clearly, I’m not a Tiger Mother, but I do worry that I’m letting her off the hook too easily.

I worry that I will regret letting her quit. I worry that she will regret me letting her quit. But I did ask her to stick it out for a year when she first said she didn’t like it, and she did stick it out for a year, so it’s not like she’s quitting on a complete whim.

I don’t know. I wish she had wanted to play, but she isn’t me, and even though she’s only 10, she should have some say in her activities. I’m just so conflicted about this. 8 months ago

I got Frogette the perfect party favors to give out at her birthday party- she squealed with delight when she saw them. Sparkly pink, gold and blue wristlet bags. She also mentioned a while back a bracelet she liked, and I was able to find it and buy it as a birthday surprise.

I found the perfect after-school activity for Tadpole come September: the place she attends gymnastics camp (and adores) offers a half ballet/half gymnastics class. This is perfect, because Tadpole couldn’t decide whether she wanted dance or gymnastics, and we can’t afford both. The smile on her face when I told her more than paid for the tuition. 9 months ago

Two years ago, I first took my little Tadpole in my arms. She was three years old.

She screamed and wailed and threw herself backwards on the floor to get away from me. The Chinese authorities took us into another room so we wouldn’t scare the other children and their parents-to-be, and we sat down on chairs as Frog filled out the initial paperwork and Tadpole screamed and sobbed as I held her tightly on my lap so she wouldn’t run away. I rocked her, and sang softly to her, and cooed at her, but she wouldn’t stop wailing.

We were, of course, fully prepared for this- it was quite normal for a little girl taken from everything she had ever known, seeing a kind of people she had never seen before, who didn’t sound or smell like her, and didn’t even speak words she could understand.

I won her over in less than 48 hours, when she realized that I was going to give her as much food as she wanted, that I was giving her new clothing, (how her eyes would light up when she saw each piece of new clothing we had packed for her!), and that I would play with her a lot. It also helped a tremendous deal that she realized the older girl who did look like her was perfectly happy with us. Unfortunately, all that great stuff did not translate into her feeling comfortable with Frog. I suspect she had never spent time with a man before. She was absolutely terrified of Frog. It took 2 weeks (and cajoling with an ipod )for her to stay with Frog if I wasn’t around.

She was so wan and pale, with a buzz cut and a badly repaired cleft lip, but she was beautiful. She started smiling tiny, brief smiles by the end of our fourth day together, and by the time we brought her home two weeks after meeting her, we were getting wonderful, infectious laughs.

Today, as she played in the pool with her grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, and other extended family members, she was having a great time, and I sat and gazed at her in ultimate gratitude as she charmed us all with that infectious laughter. She is a miracle, our family is a miracle, and I thank the universe, myself, and her for bringing us together. I love her with every morsel of my being.

Happy adoption day, Tadpole! 10 months ago

I’m definitely feeling bittersweet about this. I’ve only had her for a little under two years now, so I can’t see her as a big girl yet.
She’ll be a kindergartener soon. I’m definitely not ready for that. 11 months ago

Win:
I _owned the special education meeting for Tadpole today!!!!
They were going to recommend declassifying her completely, which I was not happy about. I presented the committee with several alternative options I found acceptable, and backed up each one with data from the formal report. They agreed, and now Tadpole will be in a regular ed classroom for kindergarten, but continue to be pulled out twice a week for group speech and language (which amusingly, she currently thinks of as “playtime”, since she enjoys it so much.)
Yay for me- advocate mommy!

Lose:
Tadpole, who has been getting many time-outs in school lately, clearly has some sort of issue going on emotionally. Today, she drew on a piece of living room furniture with black marker. I was so upset! Not just because we can’t get all the marker off, but because from a year to six months ago, Tadpole drew on furniture repeatedly, which was horribly frustrating. No matter what consequences we enforced, or how many times we discussed it, she did it again and again. Now we thought this behavior was over, completely in the past (as evidenced by our loosening vigilance on keeping markers out of her reach).

She’s gotten much better in general about various types of self- and object-destructive behavior she used to display, so this seems like a horrible setback. Between this and the increased school misbehavior, it is clear that something is really bothering her. Unfortunately, I know that her language facility is nowhere near sophisticated enough to discuss causes of emotions, so I am at a loss on how to help her.
:( 11 months ago