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CrunchyBreadA lesson learned from meditation practice

Once, I studied meditation. Didn’t follow it much, never got much out of it, except I learned one thing. A technique.

It was this: While meditating, though the goal is to keep your mind clear, thoughts will likely intrude. Rather than grind on the thoughts or berate yourself for having them, just notice they are passing by, and let them keep on passing. Perhaps imagine setting each thought on a leaf, and sending it downstream, or in a bubble to float away on the breeze. Recognize they occur, but do not indulge them much. You can think about them later, when it is their turn, perhaps. Right now, you are fully occupied with holding an empty mind, so these thoughts are welcome to depart.

This is how I’m dealing with my thoughts of dying lately. They are thoughts that pass through my mind frequently. I treat them like cottonwood seeds, floating past on the breeze. My job is simply not to give them a place to sprout. I am impermeable, like a well-paved cement street. They may collect in the gutters like drifts of snow, but eventually they WILL be blown or washed away.

In this way I allow that even when thoughts of death or suicide come at me in a flurry, seeming to fairly choke the air with their multitude, I still remain somewhat untouched. This is a fact: thoughts of death occur, and they seem innocent, fluffy, and attractive as they drift past. It does NOT follow that “I want to die”.

I am not to be blamed for the occurrence of thoughts or impulses. I am only responsible for how I respond to them. Since I know these particular thoughts are antithetical to the life I choose to pursue for myself and my family, I do not take ownership of them. I do not welcome them, water them, or tend them. I watch them drift past. Sometimes singly. Sometimes in a flurry. But they do drift away if I simply let them go.

1 week ago


CrunchyBreadComputer Issues

Dear 43T Friends:

My computer is on the fritz. I won’t be able to communicate much until it is fixed. My only computer access right now is at the library, for up to one hour per day when I’m able to get there, so obviously that is very limited. Please don’t think anything’s wrong with me, or that I’m ignoring you on purpose!

I have no idea how long it will take for me to get things back to normal. Until then, I hope everyone here takes good care of themselves. I love you all!

Crunchy 3 weeks ago


CrunchyBreadBad Dreams. VERY Bad Dreams.

For the past few nights I’ve had bad dreams. Normally my dreams are weird, and that’s fine. Often I have lucid dreams, and if I know a dream is becoming a nightmare I can either change it or wake myself up. But lately my dreams have taken a new tack and I don’t know what to do about it.

I always think my dreams mean something. Generally they mean something really mundane, which boils down to “this is the way your life is right now, and this is what you’re afraid of”. But I don’t understand these two dreams. I’d like to share some parts of them, to get others’ reactions. But they are rather horrible. Please do not read further if it will disturb you. But if you do read, please give me your impression of what you think such images might be trying to communicate, if they were speaking to you.

First nightmare: I am in the house I grew up in. I am in the garage, where my father keeps all his tools for woodworking and cars and stuff. It smells like car grease and oil. A man rides up on a motorcycle that I’ve never seen before, but I somehow know immediately he has a gun and will likely kill us all. But he’s acting nice for now, and asks to see my father. I act nice and say I’ll go get him. I’m about 16. I go call my father and try to explain that a scary man just came up, but the dream ends before I can say anything. That is very weird because normally things get pretty gruesome before I start feeling scared, and in this dream I woke suddenly with that heart-clutching feeling even though nothing in particular happened.

Last night a much more revolting dream happened. I dreamed I was at a very large school with thousands of students. While using the bathroom I found a stall that had severed body parts stacked neatly in it, as though it were standard procedure for a certain number of kids to be dismembered and disposed of there. Yet at that point my dream did not “feel” like a nightmare yet, and I continued sleeping.

It gets worse. Later I dreamed that I was at a place I called home. There were neighbors living on both sides of me, like an apartment. I liked this home, it was beautiful and full of freedom and interesting things and I was happy. Somehow I stumbled into the house of a neighbor and to make a long story short I found that she was a witch who killed, dismembered, and ate children, and the two kids living with her now were about to be killed. I managed to take out a cell phone and take photos of some professionally wrapped meat parts labelled with the child’s name they’d been taken from, that were found in her refrigerator. As I was snapping the photos for evidence, thinking to prosecute her, a child ran by me and I heard a loud noise that told me the witch was coming, and I woke knowing she’d found me and probably killed me, and I would never be able to show that evidence, and I had saved nobody.

These dreams were very disturbing. I don’t normally have such graphically horrible dreams. I don’t watch horror movies. I don’t think nasty thoughts like this. I don’t know where this is coming from.

I got up, took some headache medicine, spent some time browsing the internet to distract myself, then went back to sleep and finished sleeping the rest of the night in relative peace. But I feel very upset that I had those dreams, and I want to know what message may have been intended by dreaming of people, especially kids, being cut up like that. It is too horrible to forget, while simultaneously being too horrible to contemplate. Especially the professional wrapping, like anything you might see in a grocer’s meat case.

I am not a vegetarian. My mother was a meat wrapper, so I’m very familiar with meat cases and I don’t think of them as horrible in any way. It was the violated humanity of those children which was the nightmare.

Please share any thoughts you might have, which might shed a bit of perspective on this terrible night’s sleep for me. What might my subconscious be trying to tell me? 1 month ago


CrunchyBreadit's unspeakable

Someone once told me a long time ago that she heard of a therapist who used this technique: they would say an awful phrase, and you’d repeat it. Like: “I’m stupid.”—“I’m stupid.”

They’d go down a list of various bad words that one might call one’s self. When they got to the word you couldn’t say, THAT was the word you really believed. “I’m pathetic.”—“I’m ppppppppppp…..”

All the other bad words were ones that didn’t really bother you, or that you didn’t really believe about yourself.

Kinda like that old bit from “Happy Days” when Fonzie couldn’t say he was sorry, or wrong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwkU8-d1gIk

I know what my unsay-able word is. It has been the same word my whole life. I knew it the first time I heard of this technique. For a while there, (sometime in the last five years) I remember I thought I was cured because suddenly I was able to say the unsayable word! I didn’t believe it anymore.

Today I found that once again I cannot say it. I can barely think it. It’s weird, because I know it isn’t true. But obviously on some level, I must “know” it IS true.

Le sigh.

My question for everyone is: (You don’t have to reveal your unsayable word—that might be impossible anyway. But just…) Do you have an unsayable word, or know what yours might be? Please leave me a comment, if so. Just saying whether or not you find this to be true for you. 1 month ago


CrunchyBreadfood affecting mood?

Does anyone have any experience with food vastly changing your mood? I felt like I was gonna die earlier. I felt like my soul was rotting in my body.

What did I eat? I’m trying to think… I had salad. I had a salad that was all greens, grated carrots, with sesame seeds and dressing. Sounded healthy for a change. I normally eat mostly protein.

I also had some apple juice.

That was lunch. For breakfast I had leftovers from yesterday – beans and rice, and homemade enchiladas.

After feeling so bad this afternoon I had a bacon sandwich, and began to feel better. Then for dinner I had chicken (nothing else) and now I feel almost chipper! I feel almost entirely better, except for my back being sore still. But my feelings are all okay again.

I know salad is supposed to be good for you, and excessive meat is supposed to be bad. But somehow that doesn’t seem to be how my chemistry is working right now. I better keep better watch on this for a while. 1 month ago


CrunchyBreadNot good, and getting worse. Need help.

Definitely seeing a downward trend in me. Going from having “some” happiness to having to scrape to find any. I have plenty of gratitude, plenty of love, plenty of comfort. I’m not sick, my housing and income are not threatened. I haven’t had any recent heartbreaks. Everything for me is fine. But I feel myself sliding down and down into deeper feelings of “I can’t find any joy anywhere”. Living is becoming a battle, like every action must be performed while fighting through flames.

I’m going to call Kitsap Mental Health tomorrow, and see whether there’s any hope I might be able to get on some medication. I’ve tried meds before, and they didn’t work for me at all. But I can’t keep going down like this now and not at least try to do something about it. If they don’t work it’s okay. I am allowed to sleep or whatever, since I don’t have a job. But if they do work I might be able to start functioning again.

I’d like to go back to Pacific Fabrics. I want to clean my house, make dinner for my kids, go shopping, etc. All I’ve been able to do for weeks is sit and sew. I feel terrible. I want help. I hope very much that maybe I can find it. I’ll call first thing tomorrow. 1 month ago


CrunchyBreadSuperpowers

It occurred to me today that I possess the most hated of superpowers: I am intelligent.

In any comic book you will always notice the heroes are people who are super-strong. Sometimes they have powers of controlling animals or mystic machines and weapons. But the VILLAINS are always the ones with super intelligence, bulging craniums, and a lust to take over the world.

I think it speaks to a fundamental distrust that stupid people have towards smart people. I think that based on a simple bell curve average there MUST be more stupid people than smart people, statistically. There must also be more strong people than weak people, statistically. But a stupid person can understand strength. They see it as a force for (probably) good, so you can get work done or beat up somebody who deserves it. But intelligence is incomprehensible. It’s like… cheating. Getting ahead without using sheer brute force? That’s sneaky. Baffling. Evil.

I see prejudice all the time against teachers, doctors, lawyers, and other types whose jobs depend on knowing things that average people don’t know, and possibly couldn’t understand even if it were explained to them pretty slowly. I see resentment at their assumption that those brainy types are “acting all superior”. I see the first objection most people instantly get fighting mad about is whenever they are called STUPID. It is the worst insult possible nowadays. NOBODY will put up with it. It’s okay to be weak, short, fat, ugly, disabled, or any other physical thing, but to imply one person has less mental dexterity than another? That’s just over the line. Somehow that challenges fears that nobody wants challenged.

Maybe it’s because intelligence is largely invisible. You can probably see at a glance how one person’s physical prowess will stack up against another’s. But to know how smart they are takes a bit more digging (assuming the smart person isn’t smart enough to HIDE the fact that they’re so smart).

It just makes me sad. I remember always being encouraged, in school, by teachers and … I don’t know what … telling me I should try hard to get good grades, learn all I can, etc. I did, and ended up utterly friendless. I guess that advice was actually meant for average fools, to whom learning was a difficult challenge they had to be prodded into. Smart kids like me didn’t need encouragement to be smart. We needed encouragement to develop other parts of ourselves. I could have used a course in how to be friendlier, or funnier (in ways that people would appreciate), or even better-looking, if they’d been sold to me as necessary for getting along with people in life, rather than as necessary “for health”.

But, smart as I was, I wasn’t quite smart enough to crack that code. I let my smarts show, and that was a stupid mistake. What a dummy. 1 month ago


CrunchyBreadUntitled

I need a back rub.

1 month ago


CrunchyBreadlooks like another painful day

Finished listening to “Divergent”, and finished sewing two more motifs yesterday.

Today I wake with another bad headache. My shoulders and back also ache, probably from sitting hunched up sewing combined with sleeping on the couch. I’ve taken Tylenol, aspirin, and ibuprofen. I hope the pain goes away soon so I can rest.

1 month ago


CrunchyBreadnot going after all

ARgh. Hell with it. I can’t go. I can’t make myself leave the house. I don’t want to face the walk. I don’t want to face the cold. The sun isn’t shining, it’s probably windy and awful and might rain. I have a headache building. I feel stupid in this dumb boob-armor. My body is achy and sore all over from having been sick this week. And basically I just feel too damned depressed to bother going out.

I’m staying home. I feel bad about it, but that is what’s happening.

Next week maybe I’ll be more successful in trying again to get out. For now, I’ll just stay home and keep sewing. At least I know I’m successful at that. 1 month ago


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