give up

so difficult?
the world doesn’t end if i give up.
i won’t die.
it can only be a good thing in the long run.
it’s GOOD FOR ME to give up!
WHY CAN’T i DO THIS?

if i could only believe fully that i am unloveable, i would stop looking so hard for someone to love me.
i’m 49 years old and i never felt loved. it’s really time to stop wishing/hoping for this. it’s not gonna happen.

yyyayayyayayayayayy!

i have a new date. nov. 1st i will give up.

but i can’t remove this from the list until i really know i have. it could just be the depression talking.

thinking i am a loser, because i so feel like one right about now.

i had surgery on friday. my ride home forgot about picking me up. i felt invisable. no one sent me flowers, and as of now, i haven’t gotten a get well card either. i really thought someone might send me flowers. i feel like i am not worth it. and no one in my family called to either wish me luck, or see how the surgery went. 5 adult nephews, two sisters, and my father. no one called. that is the only one that doesn’t suprise me.
oh, and should i mention, the man i love, who is far, far away from me, didn’t email me to ask how surgery went.
it is SOOOO time to give up.
a week and a half til my birthday, i have to give up before then. if i give up my hopes and dreams, it can’t hurt when it doesn’t come to pass.

never good enough.

i know i have to.
because it is going to happen, or it won’t. i have already done about as much as i can to accomplish what i want. it’s now in the lap of the gods.
everytime i want to give it up, something happens that talks me out of it.
i think i will only be happy again, truly happy, when i can give it up, and stop trying so hard. like i said, it’ll happen, or it won’t.

“The hardest part is what to leave behind, ... It’s time to let go!”

but a friend talks me out of it, everytime.
i HAVE to do this, or i am going to go crazy….
must be soon.