get over my issues

I realise this is a never-ending battle, even when old issues are conquered, new ones will arise. It’s just in my nature, BUT. I’ve changed so much in the year or so that I’ve had this goal on my list. And I’ve reached a stabler ground, and I know I’m going the right way. There is still a lot to do and discover, but this is life, no-one ever said it would always be easy. :) I’ll continue working on my problems, but I’ve gotten over so many issues that I can safely consider this goal done. n_n

Now matter how much stabler I am these days, I still sometimes get these bouts of indifference. I feel like throwing my hands up and giving up, because why bother? It’s not so much about having a meaning in life, I just don’t see a point in trying. Is this all my life is – working, paying rent and bills, buying food, going to bed, getting up the next day, forever like this? People with their ordinary lives discourage me, why do they settle for so little, is having a family and a stable (common) job enough? But at the same time my own inefficiency disheartens me, I aspire to rise above ordinary in my life and still I do nothing to make it so. I know there’s no use complaining when I’m not doing anything. I sometimes fear I want too much, things I cannot possibly achieve. I’m terribly afraid of failures, but I don’t want to stay like this forever either.

I still get these thoughts of giving up entirely and ending this life now – like it didn’t matter how long I lived. If I died tomorrow rather than in 50 years’ time, would it change anything? I guess it could, but then again it might not.

The past couple of weeks have been sort of difficult for me, I haven’t felt too positive or had the strength to believe in better tomorrows, and even though that might seem like an average mood to somebody, after a rather long period of absolute positivism, this feels so… bad. Perhaps because I know from here, it’s not a long way to the first stages of depression. I never want to go down that road again, I just don’t. Not now when I’ve seen how good life can be and just how happy I can be.

When I started at my current job, no-one would have believed if I had said I suffer from depression. And as silly as it might sound, I take pride in being able to bring forth the non-depressed side of me and stay positive. I’m still afraid things might go exactly the same way as last year, I can’t get rid of the fear of burning out soon. If I make it through March next year, I think I should be safe, but until then… I don’t know, I have to be extra careful, I do not want to lose this job.

I want to think and believe that I’ve gotten over my depression, so that I’m not in the danger of sinking back into that darkness that was the core of my days for so long in the past. I’m over that, I know now how to avoid the biggest reefs and keep myself from wrecking completely. I don’t know how people perceive me, especially those who don’t know me, but I should think I give off a bit of a perky image, cheerful and rather self-confident (not all the time, but at least sometimes). However, although I might feel cheery a lot of times, I still have this other, darker side of me inside, and sometimes it comes up, making me feel miserable. It’s never anything big, it’s usually some daily occurrence, something that shouldn’t be taken as seriously as I do. I don’t know, I guess it’s because I’m still unable to accept failures from myself. It’s a self-defence mechanism, I can’t let others see that I’m, well, human as well. That’s definitely something I need to work on, an issue I need to solve.

All I’d want to do tonight is to wallow in self-pity, listen to songs that make me cry, give into the depression, just for tonight, banish the walls around me, let myself to be weak. No-one would see me anyway, it wouldn’t matter. And tomorrow I’d be strong again, show them the strong side of me, the laughing, joking, not caring side. I’m so good at faking no-one would notice.

You try to be strong
But you’re always so alone

It’s just that I’m tired of trying to be so damn strong all the time. But it’s the only way I can even think of surviving in this world, beasts prey on the weak. I can’t afford to be weak, because whenever I show my weaknesses I get hurt, every. freaking. time. What’s the point in being open and sincere about your true self when it always turns against you. There’s no reason to show the real me to anyone, I’d better just hide it and play along to their games, show them what they want to see, not who I really am. Either way, things always end in tears.

I got burnt, once again, because of who I am and my issues I just can’t seem to get rid of. Low self-esteem, selfishness, shyness, you name it I probably have it. They’re all connected and together create a mess and thanks to that, I always manage to destroy those good things around me. I guess I subconsciously use that as a means to bring myself back down to earth, since I tend to lose my sense of reality rather often.

I think I’ve developed a narcissistic personality disorder to cope with everything, mainly with my low self-esteem. My self-worth is so low that I have to patch it up with something. Then again, would I be so willing to admit that, if I really was narcissistic? Maybe not, though on the other hand, this way I’ll just give a bit of a naïve impression of myself, which appeals to some people (for some reason) and they just refuse to believe whatever I’m saying – assuming it’s something negative about myself. Just remember, you don’t know me, so you don’t know what I’m like in real life and to the people closest to me. My mother gave me a list of “narcissistic features” and what can I say? It all fits, and although I know that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, I’d put my money on me being a narcissist.

I had sort of a breakdown earlier this week, I was just so tired of everything – work, life, relationships, you name it. So, next Thursday I’m going to go see a therapist of some sort, I don’t know much about him but apparently he was a great help to my uncle and his fiancée and really, I’m ready to try everything at least once. So maybe things will start getting better some day (soonish).

Right now, at this very moment, I am both happy and sad, calm and anxious, safe yet also very vulnerable. I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life anymore, it seems I’m trying to suppress the emptiness inside me by filling my days with things to do, so that I wouldn’t have too much time to over-analyse everything. Is it just escapism? To me it feels like it, although I have enjoyed these action packed days. Now that I think about them afterwards, they just feel fake. Like I was running away from my problems. And it makes me anxious, so very anxious and unsure about myself, life, everything around me. I feel like time is running out and walls are closing in, like there’s nowhere left to go.

Issue
5. Informal A personal problem or emotional disorder

I’m emotionally distressed.

When is the seeking for acceptance from others going to stop? Am I ever going to learn to live with myself in peace, or will I just continue tearing myself apart every single day?

I’ve had problems with distinguishing imaginary from reality as long as I can remember and sometimes, like now, it gets a bit too out of hands and makes me incredibly miserable. What makes everything even worse, is that I do realise I’m just imagining things, fantasising, and I know where the line between real and unreal goes – my mind just actively refuses to understand that. It’s a peculiar situation, actually, though not so unusual as one might think. To think one thing and do another, isn’t that what most people do every day? I know I do. But this, this is something different. I think of something that I know I have created in my head and so easily add it to my representations about the real world, like it had always been there, like it was real. For a swift second I always believe it is, till I remember it’s just my imagination fooling with me. Do you have any idea how hard a blow that is to me, how it crushes my insides every time? It never gets any easier. Sometimes I feel cursed for having such a vivid imagination. It wouldn’t be as bad if I could accept the distinction between reality and imaginary just the way it is – that they are separate. Surely they are linked, but not directly connected and thus what is imagined isn’t also real. I don’t know why it is so hard for me. I’m too idealistic, perhaps?

My anxieties are getting worse again and funnily enough they always seem to do that when there is even a slight possibility of a new person trying to get too close. I’ve noticed this happening every time, though when exactly it happens varies from person to person, some get further than others but at some point I always feel like hitting the brakes and turning away to run. I have nothing against people, I like people (and that, might I say, is a lot coming from me because there was a time when I hated most of the population on this planet but that was just pure arrogance) but I prefer to keep a certain distance between me and others. I don’t know why, I haven’t been able to figure it out properly as hard as I’ve tried and, believe me, I have tried. I know it’s partly because I have huge difficulties in trusting people, I always search for their ulterior motives, wondering what really makes them to do the things they do. I’d like to believe that people do things just because they want to or because they get satisfaction from it or something but I just can’t. Maybe this would be more understandable if I gave an example: I’ve been sick for a few days now and yesterday a friend, a guy, brought me some medicine without me asking him to do so (okay, so I did get this from him but that’s not the point) and he’s been calling me like daily ever since we met (which was on Saturday). It sounds like a small thing but I’m not used to anything like this at all, so now I’m all confused as to what he wants from me, what’s he expecting from me (my god, how old am I, thirteen?) and… it’s driving me up the wall because I’m not built for this _{(it’s just a figure of speech)}.

It’s not even that I don’t want to have close relationships to people, I’m just unable to let anyone too close. Even the mere thought makes me want to turn away and run, it’s sad but I’d rather have that than this suffocating feeling of anxiety. I want to be close to someone but at the same time I don’t. Or maybe it’s that I don’t want others to be close to me. But there has got to be more than just trust issues behind this, I become like a wild animal suddenly being trapped in a small cage when I think someone’s starting to get too close. And usually I end up doing the worst thing, getting away from the situation without explanation, taking the easy way out. It’s unfair and at times mean, but maybe you know what it’s like when all you can think of is getting away – you can’t really spare thoughts for anything or anyone else.

I’m fine with people as long as that certain line isn’t crossed. What makes this difficult, though, is that even I don’t know where that line goes, so I have no way of predicting how far it’s safe to go without getting burnt. I don’t want to hurt people but usually end up doing so in the end anyway.