add some humour in the 43 things with funny postings.

The Idiot Report….....

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper
was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She
read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point,
the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 20056

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

IDIOTS IN THE (not mine)NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had
a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

Please cast your vote NOW for the idiot of 2006!!!

Final entry on this goal…..watch this
Laugh therapy with Elmo

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!”

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

17. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

18. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

21. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?” “You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No Kidding.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ‘Cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his Teacher a note from his Mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by my son are not necessarily those of his Parents.”

KETCHUP

A Woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answerthe phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy!” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the Women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
“What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchair’s, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered “The Tooth Fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her Parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time!” she said to her Mother.
“I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called
out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice! , he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

I falling and can’t get out!!!

Spot, do you have to go to the bathroom?

you cat, run through the line, while dog blocks for you…

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home.
You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even
one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day someone stole it.

Caution…

They Walk Among Us

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

They Walk Among Us!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting
to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific”.

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think
she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk…

They Walk Among Us!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and
gave us a 20% discount….

They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an
earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned
her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart
no matter which way the head is turned…

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good
hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”...

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
“Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

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They walk among us. :)

I hope I made some people laugh! :D