So taking on board advice from my always helpful fellow 43Ters, I bought a journal with a view to writing down my thoughts, hopes, dreams etc to help unravel what the hell it is I want to do with my life. All weekend I put off writing anything in it as I just didn’t know where to start. Also how repressed am I that I felt shy to write down my feelings infront of MYSELF?!!!!!
This morning I couldn’t put it off any longer because I really want to do something pro-active in terms of sorting out my future. I began with a timid “I don’t know what to write” which turned out to be pretty ironic as my hand suddenly flew across the pages pouring out feelings, insecurities, hopes, wishes etc. Blimey where the hell did that come from? The only thing that stopped me writing was that it was suddenly time to get ready for work. It was so cathartic. I’m sure most of it will not make sense but it did help to quiet my mind, to get rid of some of that scribble.
I’ll try and do this every morning upon waking and see if I can find some kind of path to follow. I need a clear goal – I have only the sketchiest dream at the moment and I can’t wait to make it a clear vision. 13 months ago
Actually it’s more like a state of chaos. Everything is changing. I think this is a mid-life “opportunity”. A week ago I was still calling it a mid-life “crisis”, but the more I think about it, the more I realise this is a really good thing. OK, so I no longer have any idea who I am, because life is really encouraging me to let go and allow myself to be deconstructed. All the little routines I’ve gradually fallen in to have been disrupted, I’m questioning everything about myself and being challenged to step out of my comfort zone. It’s confusing, a little bit scary, but gloriously self-indulgent!
I’m hoping that it is all in readiness to be reconstructed into something better, so I need to take the initiative and start my quest to become a better version of me. It’s time to try new things and discard anything that has not been working for me. Up until now my life has remained pretty much unchanged since my college days – I never wanted any real responsibility and I always knew I never wanted my own children. So while my peers all went through distinct phases in life: marrying; buying a house; having a family, my life never really needed to alter. I don’t regret any of my life decisions (I love my freedom and truly prefer to be fairly solitary) but I do feel ready for more responsibility. Women who have never wanted children are almost expected to be career-minded instead, but this was never me either. I always wanted a job I enjoyed, more than a job which paid a lot and, because I have no dependents to worry about, I’ve never been bothered about not earning shedloads of money. Now, however, I find myself in a job I’ve grown to hate which also does not pay enough (kind of backed myself into a corner with that attitude, didn’t I?)!
I think a job change must really be high on my list of changes to make, because everything else I want to do kind of hinges on finances. It won’t be easy but I’ve got to find a way to get out of this job and work for myself. Real responsibility. I’ve also got to get to know myself again since all my old wants, needs, beliefs and attitudes seem to have suddenly changed on me. Despite all my confusion, I realise I suddenly feel like a grown-up! 14 months ago