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Believe in myself

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“toughen-up” was the thought; (or something akin to that).
Tired of feeling like a a lump of lazy-boy-wearing mush. I’m too-young to feel this-damned-old. Tired of wondering what’s the next body-part to call-it-a-day.
One hurt part begins to off-balance the next, then the next. Time to pull-it-together from the inside. I’m more well-built than this.
So been watching & feeling my posture better. If I stay attentive, it changes more than I thought it would; a little-to-the-left here, a little forward down here… not merely a straight-line all-the-time like I thought moreso. This means I’ll have to be even more attentive than I thought I would have to.
I think I feel a-little-better already, and it’s only been a few days.
. 1 week ago

idkbrblolrecent +

(previous entry +.003)

Reading some psychology-stuph. What the &$## do you do with actual physical brain-damage? You assume tht thoughts are equally-malleable – that you can learn anything just by adding a new thought-cloud to the old ones – or that all thoughts are possible if one has the right logical steps or a lucky creative insight. But what does physical damage do to thoughts & feelings, hopes, fears, selfhood & connection to others?
; still hopeful :-)

[Morale-☺-Meter = 7.676 – right-on-target!]
. 1 week ago

idkbrblolold mnemonic thing (I don't remember this from school!)

Sat. Mar. 29 1:21 AM
Interesting video about how to remember a list of ten nouns, (my answers seen below). I was kina surprised that I could recall them all while watching the video; I thought I’d only get three or four. And I don’t like the way they rifled-through the answers without giving you time to pause the video. That was not-so-nice.

After about 8-hours of not “trying-to-remember”
1 beer
2 unicorn
3 eye
4 *fan
5 Hell’s Angels
6 (actor) Al… what’s-his-name Roker??◊
7 ???
8 Cadillac
9 Lindsay Lohan
10 ???

After about 20-hours of not “trying-to-remember”
1 ¤
2 ¤
3 eye
4 fan
5 Hell’s Angels
6 (actor) Al what’s-his-name Capone??◊
7 ???
8 … Cadillac
9 Lindsay Lohan
10 ???
¤Accidentally saw the answer a few minutes ago.
What-the-hack rhymes with seven besides eleven & heaven? This little bump was never touched in the video.
What rhymes with ten besides yen??
◊ Not-fair – tehy’re using “names;” names of obscure people!
. 3 weeks ago

idkbrblol"David Hamilton"

That was the first conscious thought, (besides my continued half-memories of dreams), I had this-morning!
This after a dozen years of only a few thoughts of his name, and the last three or four hours last night of having given-up on trying to remember it!!
I just can’t believe that was my first thought.
. 1 month ago

idkbrblolfelt better three-times today.

Morale-☺-Meter +.003
. 1 month ago

idkbrblollet me adjust my key-pad and take a preparatory breath....

“Genius.” (of one-type or another.)
There I said it.
It’s on the table.
I have to face it now; I have to question it fairly. It’ll do no good to ignore it. I’ve come to the question honestly and for a reason.

In the last year or near-year, I’ve had a few ideas that were very-much better than I’d seen or heard-of anywhere; one of them is diverged of a movie meme – a (probably) worldwide-recognisable bit, and I doubt anyone’s made this specific reference. The other idea, I believe is stepping up to the doorway of genius – it just floored me! And if I can [with difficulty] develop it into a story, I think it could possibly wipe the floor with The Matrix! {Even-though, at-present, I don’t have Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, “Guns; lots of guns,” cool black get-ups, “shades; lots of shades,” bags of sand behind the backdrop; or even a small buffet-bar.} [Though I’d still secretly like to say that this could kick-the-sh%# out of it! :-) ] ... [exhale.]
I’m not trying to blow my own horn, I’m just saying I think I’ve been cutting myself way short, but I can’t just ignore the caliber [great word] of thoughts I’m having recently. This won’t be easy; despite the ego-centric possibilities of being smart, I will be facing one of my biggest walls – that of feeling stupid – which I’m sure I’ll still bump head-first into at times, repeatedly doubting all the subtexts of ideas, and results that I’m not rich/famous; the inevitibility of, “See, you really were stupid all-along.” And it’s a smothering feeling when that happens. (I also have a very smart, well-educated, worldly friend who also admits to making “stupid” mistakes sometimes!)

Just the other day I was making-up of a conversation, thinking things through, when I thought of someone saying something – I replied, “I’ll take that on the back of my hand.” Then I thought they’d say, “What do you mean by that?” And I kind-of surprised myself, because I didn’t really have a quick, true answer. So after some thought, I realized that it meant that when you get punished for something lightly, you get a slap on the back of the hand.
I’d made sense even when I didn’t try! This means I can begin to trust my intellect!

And maybe I’m not a genius, per se, maybe just very-smart, maybe just open to the flittering ideas filtering throughout society, or just lucky-enough to be the recipient of godly gifts of an idea here and there. But now I have to look more carefully, and possibly drop-kick the core feelings of shame and indignity, and believe in myself.

So there it is, old demon.
. 1 month ago

idkbrblolBelieve in myself - entry #100! ☺

Feb 13, 2014
It happened – somthing really big for #100 – like I was hoping! [Wasn’t sure it would happen like that – but here I am typing!]

Maybe part of it was trying (failing, but trying) to reread some of my earlier entries & trying to ‘break in’ to them analytically without getting trapped in the memories of writing them & getting caught-up in all the side-thoughts & memories of ulterior motives for writing them, [very tough to do; like I said before. I was thinking I really didn’t make any progress with it!❈], and just analyzing them for:
Personal. (Internal vs. External.)
Permanent. (Stable vs. Unstable.)
Pervasive. (Global vs. Local/Specific.) [“Learned helplessness,” Wikipedia.]
Anyway, tonight I was reading a book and I got to thinking about relationships & hurt feelings, and suddenly I was hit with this great realization about how I’d been thinking for many many years – like if I was criticized by a lady I took it as an internal, permanent, and fairly pervasive claim. It’s really a huge-big difference in outlooks! Seeing that was like taking a giant sword out of my back!! It was like Dan Aykroyd in “Dr. Detroit,” skipping around the corner in the hospital & kneeing that guy in the nuts & skipping-on-by with an uncannily-merry smile! (Well that’s how I remember it. It was 1983.) I feel like I deserve a sparkling candle with a cake! ☺

(❈ It’s almost like I’m trying to get into someone else’s head. Maybe I’m trying too hard to write; putting too much ego into it(?) It’s like a glaze of ego or something over it – yeah, some of it’s funny, (thank you) true, hopefully even insightful; but when I try to break it down even into individual sentences, it doesn’t seem to speak of me – it doesn’t seem to want to conform to the categories of Personal, Permanent or Pervasive! That’s what it looks like to me.) [And it maeks me wonder a little more about knowledge – that the good stuff can’t be downloaded in discreet little packets like The Matrix – it has to come in gestalts; many times when you’re not even thinking about it directly.]

Morale-☺-Meter +.017 ☺☺

[Anyway, I gotta take care of some time-sensitive matters; so I might be gone for a few days.]
. 2 months ago

idkbrblola song in my head

Heard a good song on the radio in the afternoon, (I would’ve taken down a few lyrics, but couldn’t); tried to remember it, like a half-hour later, but couldn’t. Then came the distractions of fixin supper, and watching t.v., followed by big, long-awaited news!
A few hours later, I was reminded of a time I came upon a scene so awful that my legs literally did not want to stop – wanted to keep walking-by, (and that’s all I could remember; so I had to spend the next hour of commercials ferreting-out that memory – all-the-time wondering what the hell could’ve been so terrible that I could no-longer remember the specifics! [I’d made an early assumption that the memory was from another town.] The nervous-feelings would last another hour.)
Then I did a lot of searching for other songs, for an upcoming entry or entries; which did not include this song.
Then I watched Silence of the Lambs again, trying to figure-out what she was doing at that last house alone; as well as trying to figure-out most of the rest of the movie.
Finally it was time to go to sleep. I laid-down, and something in me said, “hey, listen!” and sure-enough it was that song!!!
. 2 months ago


I’ve been trying to pay more attention to my dreams. I think one of the things I see is that I do a lot of reacting – running & such – instead of being proactive.

I think I had an introspective insight the other day… hard to put into words; protective, distrustful, stand-offish = hard-to be changed, moulded, etc. Another window opened. (Not much to read about here, but it’s real nice to have the views & see through some of the thoughts.)

And now I forget the third thing I was gonna write about, (which gives me the title for this entry).
(Interestingly, I’m about 2/3 feeling like I believe in myself.)
. 3 months ago

idkbrblol"reality is now more real - more interactiveable"

That’s what I was thinking the other day while having a minute of consideration.
Maybe it was a tiny bit of foreshadowing of [part-of] my last entry – about reference [lol, see what I did there?]
Anyway, this idea of “reference”: isn’t that a big chunk of Chinese philosophy?!

Morale-☺-Meter +.004
. 3 months ago

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