I cannot remember when I added this goal. I think it’s been on my list for a long time. I looked through my accomplished goals and I am proud of how much I have already achieved in my young life.
I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. I know I will read it again later and that’s what counts. This will be long and it might not have to do much with going to New York. However, I definitely wanted to write it down somewhere.
I won’t just go to New York but I will actually live there for 5 months, somewhere on Long Island, close to New York City. Wow! I will have lived in two different continents, not just travelled to them, by 2014, my 24th year on this planet.
I remember when I started this profile, going to the United States was nothing but a dream. I also remember that I wanted to love and be loved so desperately and last year I met someone amazing, who made me feel exactly that. It doesn’t matter how or if it will end at some point. I’ve seen and felt and lived romantic love in all its ugliness and splendour. Moreover, I wanted to go to university and that’s where I am now and that part of my life is almost over too. It’s crazy. All these things took me a while but I got there in the end.
I have many more goals I want to achieve, like this one. And I am very proud to announce here that this will become a reality this autumn. The past years and months have been incredibly stressful, sometimes extremely painful. I’m still here, always looking towards the lighthouse inside which guides me and keeps me from drowning in the raging and ruthless sea that the world can be sometimes.
I’ve been feeling lonely and depressed here in London and it breaks my heart to say it because I loved London and I still do but in a different, more distant way. I have learnt so much here even if not all of the lessons I have learnt, were positive ones. The hardest and most distressing ones were the best. They taught me the most. It’s strange how a person can feel so lost and lonely in a city that never comes to rest. Anonymity looks great at first glance but it’s hard breaking out of it once you’ve had enough. I don’t expect NYC to be different. It’s never the place that distresses you. Rather, it’s your relationship to it. I’ve been unlucky with the people I met here in London. They were not the ones I was able to connect with and it happens. I’m sure that with time I will meet a good friend again and think back to how I felt when I was alone. This loneliness has taught me a lot. It’s OK to not be around people you know all the time. You learn more when you’re on your own.
You could say that life is a rollercoaster but to me life is clmibing a mountain. You don’t just sit and wait for things. You work, make an effort. It might be a long or short hike. You want to reach the peak but you’re uncertain of what the peak will be like and if you will actually feel something once you’ve reached it. Will it be special? Will it be different? It will probably be the strenuous and beautiful journey you will remember best. I’ve always felt deeply attached to life but I am starting to loosen the ties a little. I notice how many people, especially young ones, feel like life is an ever-lasting moment that will never pass. Yes, the thought of not being able to accomplish things forever saddens me but I am happy that I’m aware of this now and that I’m working on giving up on attachment, slowly. It’s no good. It makes you suffer. It’s hard to give up on attachment because this is not what I have been taught.
So, this is what I wanted to write down. As a reminder, maybe. 2 months ago