figure myself out

I don’t know who I am, what I am. I thought I did, I thought I had learned so much about myself in the past couple of years, but rather than learning anything I think I’ve just found a whole lot new traits in myself and never really tried to integrate them into the image I have of myself.

There’s the me at work, around people, in (most) social situations: joyous, sometimes silly, laughing, talkative, outgoing, self-confident, overall very positive.

Then there’s me, like now, alone: sad, brooding, melancholic, insecure, lonely.

I fear I might have given a completely wrong image of myself at work and now my colleagues won’t take me seriously anymore. They only see me as that silly and amusing girl and nothing more. Am I even that for real, or have I just created myself a role to play? A role that I now have to stick to, even though it might not be the right one for me?

Can I be both, positive and negative, can I have two opposite sides in me, or should I be either one? Because I don’t know, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not, who is that person called me.

I don’t understand myself at all. This is pretty frustrating to me. I guess I could do this a lot of different ways. I don’t really have a plan and I don’t really know where to go with this but I really would like to figure out who I actually AM

I’ve been making headway on this one lately. The plane ride to mexico city gave me a lot of time to free write, and to draw, and a lot of useful things poured out on the page.

So I ended up making my trip to EWU alone, but it helped with this one in that 6 hours in the car alone is a good time to talk to yourself :D

after years of changing myself and sticking with fads,
i realized that i hated it.
now i am myself – a poptart eating, nature loving, druggless free spirit, i guess you could say.
it’s better that way :]

I confuse people
& sometimes annoy my ownself
I try to be optimistic, I try to be okay,
but at the end of the day i feel the same way.
Not that I’m an unhappy person its just sometimes my mood changes instantly and i can’t figure out why i feel the way i do.

why do i always act so weird in relationships?? no one will ever know, not even me…

Fuck this, I’m too complicated.

here i thought i was beating co-dependency but that’s not the case. i have realized that i derive my sense of self-worth, happiness from my bf – if we have the slightest disagreement, my world comes crashing down. plus, i rely way too much on him for support. he supports me, sure, but i really need to be able to find it within myself because sometimes, i found out tonight, because maybe the lack of your integrity, your bf begins to think you’re all talk and no action. and maybe i have been. i have a new fitness goal.

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo