And change. Still having some really tough days—I find myself playing with my hair a lot or tugging it without actually pulling. I need a substitute for nerves, and I need a good short cut. Luckily no giving in. Keeping that “a year from start to finish” idea tucked away for when I need it is handy there, as long as I can keep it out of my mind on a more day to day basis. It’d get too overwhelming otherwise.
On to one month… 3 months ago
3 days and one week passed with much less trouble than I was expecting—especially given the issues I’ve had lately in my life, but possibly they’re just keeping me too busy to even consider it.
Yesterday had a few really tough spots, I found myself twirling and tugging pretty bad, but just reminding myself of the idea of an entire year from start to finish kept me from actually doing it.
On towards two weeks… 3 months ago
One day pull-free—I’m kind of simultaneously motivating myself with the prospect of a year start to finish pull-free and trying not to dwell on the idea so it doesn’t become too big and overwhelming. A goal like that is so tempting, but so dangerous to look that far ahead. So for now it’s one day down, and three days coming. 3 months ago
Ever since my hellish day, things have gotten a little better. I still feel very lonely and lost and empty, but I am trying to get past those feelings. I didn’t pull for 3 days and that’s an accomplishment. :) 6 months ago
Today started off really poorly because yesterday ended really poorly. My mom won’t talk to me for some reason and it’s really upsetting to me. It makes me stressed out and I pull. Last night I pulled and now, this morning, however I am trying to stop. I am just so lonely and sad and it’s frustrating to worry about whether my mother is mad at me or not all the time. It feels like I am walking on eggshells sometimes. I love my family, but it can be hard. And worse, I feel like I’m putting my brother in a difficult position and I do not want to do that because he’s my best friend. It’s my duty to protect him. 6 months ago
I pulled no hairs on the 8th. A few on the 9th and then stopped. None on the 10th, and then just one today. I am doing pretty well! I am proud of myself. I think I’ve just been too tired and worn out to have the time to relax (which is when I tend to pull). I need to make sure to give myself a rest though…. 6 months ago
Day 7: I spoke to my family today about some heavy topics and I had a rough day yesterday, so I pulled a 3 hairs, but I stopped myself each time. 6 months ago
I didn’t pull at all today… my hands were too busy holding onto rocks so that I did not plummet to my death as a climbed a mountain.
Today was a very emotional day for me… I am a vase and all the cracks are starting to show. I am broken beyond repair. 6 months ago
Today I pulled two times. Each time I immediately stopped! Onward and upwards! Tomorrow, I will be climbing a mountain, so I might be too tired to write, but I will mark my progress on the next day! I am excited. I think I will be able to squelch this before it gets too the point of baldness and having to hide. 6 months ago
It’s day four and I didn’t pull at all. I felt like pulling and I stopped myself. I think keeping this goal in the corner of my mind made me reconsider those times when I thought, “it’s only one hair,” because it’s never really ever just one hair… is it? I always pull again and again and again. That one small action, a pulled hair, triggers a land slide. I must stop myself from pulling, from going off the cliff. I always wanted to be a Catcher in the Rye, and look, here I am saving myself from falling off. Maybe I can help some other people from falling off along the way. I know how it feels because I’ve fallen and gotten up to fall again and again. But it’s not fun to fall off metaphorical cliffs. Literal cliffs are fun, metaphorical cliffs are painful. No, they aren’t fun at all. I think I’ll try my best not to fall again if I can. I’ll be my own Catcher in the Rye. How sad that we all must fall in one way or another. How sad that we think we can save others from falling. How sad that we can’t. How sad that we will keep on trying. But what would we be if we didn’t even try? Maybe in trying, we make a difference, even for those who still end up falling. 6 months ago