see a psychiatrist

I don’t like the idea of anti-depressants… or any kind of mind numbing medicating… i think thats a way of avoiding the actual issue for me anyway.

So i was glad when after my first appointment my shrinkologist suggested that i keep a low level tranquilizer on hand at all time so i can self-medicate when i feel myself building up to an ‘episode’ just to take the edge off.

Its kind of what i was hoping for. I like to be in control, and i know that i am capable, but the ways i’ve been managing my ‘spaz attacks are just not always practical. Going for a walk by myself and getting rid of excess energy is not always an option when i’m at work and have to deal with people!

My celebration was to book an apointment with my gp and to go buy some studio equipement and tools… coincidentally i bought some much needed dry acid and flux paste for my metalworking… it was a day of ‘Chemical tools’ to be sure.

i have my first appointment.
i’m nervous.
i don’t feel ‘crazy’ right now you know… but i know that there are some things i really want to get sorted out before i move forward into being an adult… i’m excited to work on me… its not all painful and hormonal anymore, so i hope i don’t turn into a big pile of goo and cry all over the place… but i’m confident that it will be good… and if its not good… if the guy sucks… i’m going someplace else.

So I think I feel kind of hopeless on this, like I may have to many different issues for someone to help me, but even if they could help me with only one thing that would be good right.
I think that I would like to talk to someone about something I just read on someone elses entry on HSP. IDK I’ll see

So I finally went to see someone. I went to a walk in place, where they will counsel you up to 8 sessions for free w/o health insurance. It is only a counseler but it is a start. The woman I met with Satuday gave me a list of doctors and told me I should make an appt. with one and have zoloft prescribed to me. I did some research on the stuff and I think I should deff. give it a shot. She also said I need to continue the “talk therapy” as well. So we will se how this all goes.

This is something i need to just do already.

I know that there are things about my body/brain that are not categorically comfortable for me.
I don’t choose to have fits of physical psychological irrationality and to watch them all feeling ‘outside’.
I love the sometimes wacky me, i just really don’t love not knowing what to do when i start to lose it. Its scary and uncool.
I don’t give a damn if that’s normal or not, i just want to figure out how to deal with it, when it arises. or how to work it out before i get into a situation.
I have a meeting with my doctor to chat about this in January. I would rather speak to a psychiatrist than just have her prescribe something, so hopefully she’ll give me a referral. I don’t want an emotional sedative, but this has been going on for too long, i need to do SOMETHING.

But it’s been a while. I know that I need to be on mood stablizing medications.

=x

So far not worth it at all. I hope you all have better luck if this is something you want.

I felt like a weight lifted off my chest… He asked me if I planned on seeing a counselor too for longer sessions… I might try a few sessions just to rant about how I feel worthless and ugly and all that crap.

He diagnosed me with Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia & Social Phobia. Social Phobia?! Ha funny who would have thought someone who was called Zitface all through her childhood would end up with a social phobia. Anyway I got a Rx for Paxil & Klonopin. So hopefully that helps me. And he told me that anxiety is like surfing in Hawaii… you just have to ride the wave. So I told him I’ll try to roll with it.

I’m sorta nervous but more than anything I just want to feel normal again.