let the holy spirit change me

hi am winnie

hi am winnie

This morning at School of Ministry we started off with a mini-chapel time of song & prayer. We were asked to spend a few moments in personal prayer, and I thought I would share my experience of that prayer time.

I have felt nervous and a little anxious this week about going back to school. It’s not the SOM program that causes the nervousness, I’m really thrilled and excited about SOM! But, it’s the actual physical part of GOING to school that makes me nervous. I wasn’t entirely sure why until this morning.

In my prayer I just brought up my anxiety/nervousness before the Lord, and thought about it for a moment. I then had the realization that my past schooling experiences have not been very successful.

Middle school: Did not fit in very well. I was teased a lot.

High School: Still did not fit in, still being teased and it affected me pretty severely. I was having tremendous difficulty trying to pass algebra and chemistry classes. I had several math teachers who I feel made things worse, not easier for me by not explaining things clearly or helping me after class. I ended up graduating with a technical/vocational diploma instead of the “normal” diploma. It took a long time for me to feel like I had successfully graduated. I felt like I got the “cop-out” certificate.

College: Had a LOT of emotional issues, very depressed the 2nd year, had to drop out one semester short because I could not get through algebra, and felt I was not emotionally strong enough to push through and finish.

The second College: I went to a tech/vocational community college for printing/graphics. But, the instructors were not really very effective teachers, the computers were not up to date and neither was the software. When I tried to get a job I got turned away because my school did not teach me what I really needed to know. So, I am not working in the graphic design field. I don’t want to anyway anymore, but the school experience was really a disaster.

So… now I see where the anxiety is coming from. The fear of having to go back to school and try to fit in and make friends, be successful, and be able to use what I will learn in the “real-world.”

As I was praying this morning I felt a peace in me and the Holy Spirit encouraged me that this year in SOM will finally be a victory for me. This year will be a full success!

God is Great and Loving!

makes life worth living, exciting

The Lord is teaching me to push through the thickness of the atmosphere around me until I get to His Glory and His Power. What do I mean? Well, “pushing” requires effort, determination, intention. “Through” means to go forward all the way to the other side of situation or a place. “Thickness” is anything that gets in the way of me being completely abandoned to God in worship. and “Atmosphere” is just the world around me and my heart.

For example…. this week I was in my car on my home from work trying to pray. I really wanted to pray, I wanted to be with God fully but was having a hard time letting go and really taking hold of the spirit of worship. I know where I WANTED to go.. I wanted to boldly approach the throne of God and pour my heart out at the feet of Christ. But there were obstacles in the way. Some of you probably know the obstacles that I’m referring to. It’s just like you start praying but you second-guess what to say, and you start feeling awkward, and tired and would rather just put on some loud music to drown everything out. That is easier than praying. BUT.. then I would miss the miracle of breaking through to my Savior. I would have missed the communion with my Father in Heaven.

When I started to pray I knew I had to get through it because I was in a negative mood and the day had worn me out and I started giving in to the bad mood. I wanted to wallow in self-pity. But I have started to have zero-tolerance for that sort of thinking. I WANT victory, I want to fight for my joy and peace. I want to stand up boldly and accept miracles, blessings, and good-things from my Creator.

So… that’s what I did. Eventhough I didn’t feel like praying, I did it. I put on praise & worship songs and I sang. I prayed out loud. I prayed from my heart, and I prayed in the Holy Spirit. I kept going. Funny thing was, at one point it got even harder to pray. I felt a heaviness come over me.. like it was the battle between self and Spirit. My flesh was screaming, my soul was screaming. My flesh wanted to check out, my spirit was checked into God’s Kingdom. Someone was going to have to win this battle. And it wasn’t going to be my selfish nature.

Finally, after praying and pushing, praying and pushing on through the thickness of my attitude and selfishness.. I felt like I was so close.. I was almost through to the other side.

And then, it happened. It was no huge moment… nothing really dramatic. It was Peace. A place of peace where I could enjoy the Lord. The Glorious Father had held my hand and drew me into His Presence.

So… my encouragement to all who read this is keep pushing through in your prayers. When you feel blocked, just keep pushing, keep pursuing the Lord. Grab hold of the Holy Spirit and just go. Whatever it takes, however long it takes… don’t settle for anything other than the fullness of Christ. It is SO worth it. And every time we push through and succeed, we build our faith and build our spiritual muscles.

“And you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”—Colossians 2:10

Come Holy Spirit!

Well, people are starting to notice changes in me. I live downstairs in a family’s home, and the wife/mother of the family said she notices that I have often been singing under my breath as I come in the house.

Also, I have been encouraging people in my church via the church social networking site we have.. and a few people have noticed my encouraging words.

So, this is…well.. encouraging! It’s thrilling, yet I have found myself a little nervous, just because this is all new to me. I’ve been elevated to another level in the Spirit!

(subject line taken from the movie Almost Famous.) :D

So, my church had a 3 night conference this week called Encounter. I really let myself be open and willing to be transformed, and I am not disappointed! I also had a man pray over me a week ago, and these events are already producing fruit in my spirit. I am learning to yield to the transforming works of God and enjoy the process, instead of complaining and worrying about how far I still have to go and keep wishing I was at “the top” (whatever the top is!). Patience, perseverance, and surrender. That is what it is taking for me to cultivate an environment in my heart that the Holy Spirit can use efficiently to help me grow.

Yes and Amen

I want to let the Holy Spirit change me but I’m not in a “place” where I’m listening to Him. I wish I was. I wish that I would stop letting myself fall back into my old habits and just seek after God. I’ve experienced His overwhelming presence. It’s amazing but it’s hard to sustain. I need to die to what I want and begin caring about what God cares about.