change

maybe I’ll try this again…

time is really a thing that is created by human beings. When I realized this, i felt I was controlled by time. I am a slave of time. It should be more convenient when we know time, we know what we should do at which exact time. I felt this is a wrong vision. why not do a thing when I want to it. This couldn’t be possible. This may arouse the mixture of the rules. Everything belongs to a rule. this is confusing me, everything is comparative.

I found myself losing much passion on working, I am a little tired of thinking, I wanna watching series or movies. And my time hasn’t been arranged so effectively. Something stopped me, really, and I want to figure it out.

There’s a lot of things.
Basically, to change, there’s a lot of my other goals here that I need to complete – reinvent and control mostly. Once those are done, I can cross this one off my list :)

I’m removing this one because I have changed from where I was 6 months ago. I am communicating better with those around me and getting what I want out of like. Life is really good right now.

I do recognize that we are constantly changing and evolving so I want to continue to do this and make myself a better person.

I can feel inside of me that a change is coming, a big change. It will be mainly internal and mental, but I will change externally a little bit too.

I’m not sure whether this change is a good thing, simply because of the reason it is happening, but it is something that has to happen. I really need to do this. I think by the end of the next few months I will be a different person, probably a better person. To others it might not seem that way, but I think I’m finally letting go of the vices and anxieties and stress and negativity and insecurity and self-esttem issues that are currently a part of who I am and destroying my soul and health. Goodbye old me.

Photo: I posted this picture so that I can look back at it in a few months and see/compare the changes, there may not be any changes to my physical appearance.. I’m not sure, I think that maybe the change inside of me will effect how I look outside.

Briefly after my last entry on change I met this wonderful guy.

My studies were still somewhat on the rocks, but after the first week of knowing him I changed my sleeping and studying habits, passed my exams two weeks later, he sold all his belongings and went with me to Barcelona, Spain.

There I aced my Masters class, took up the subject that seemed the most difficult to me and had an MBA and a Masters in Finance, studying double-time. We visited France, Italy and even my parents in Germany.

Then in September 2008 we made it to his hometown (Perth), where I had a job, lost a job and found a new one. I took up Indonesian classes and we had a great time in Lombok. I finally can understand my relatives and am about to start a more advanced course. I love my life.

We live in a lovely house by the ocean. Life’s made a 180° turn – I couldn’t have possibly wished for more.

I have recently decided that I want to start painting again. Not as a career, but simply to meliorate my art skills, which are honestly not too bad. I had first started when I was only 5, but back then, it was only a way to have fun. This time, I actually want to paint, and I know that I have the ability, since my art class this semester has truly inspired me. A few ideas are in my head already, but I believe that the best part will be displaying the final works in my own rooms, and enjoying something I have made every day.

I also cleaned the entire house today, which is not an easy thing to do in a house this size. Sadly, my own room has been neglected, but I will clean this up before bed, since I have company over tomorrow.

Yes, that’s another thing, I actually won’t be home alone tomorrow! And I have finally invited my three best girlfriends over for Friday night as well, which I have never done before. I only have two years of high school life left, so why not actually be aware and enjoy it.

Guess what’s on my desk right now? An answer to a letter that was sent to me over 6 months ago, from my best friend over in Germany. I did not reply to this letter, and now, after half a year, I have finally picked up a pen and written about everything that’s going on. Four pages are inked already, and I’m sure there will be more to come.

I have also cut back on my wasted time on the Internet. I’ve spent most of my time at school, with friends, or at my piano, and I’m noticing that it’s really clearing up my mind.

I have not drunk anything before going to bed ever since I’ve written my last entry. That may only be two weeks, but it’s something. It’s definitely something.

My reputation is fixed, at least for the most part. I am not what some people might still think I am, and, honestly, the only person who truly needs to know that is myself.

I am going the right way, although it’s truly hurting in some parts. But that’s just another step.

Lately, some situations and mishappenings have been going on that have made me very disappointed in myself. I’ve realized that I can’t control my emotions, keep my temper, take criticism, comfort myself in appropriate ways or even trust myself anymore. This goal is too big to be broken down into many small ones, so I will have to keep it as one. All I know is that I have to change many parts in my life, and I will have to get started on that right away.

- I have to put more work into my education, since I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork a lot lately.
- I will have to stop using alcohol as a way to make myself sleep better.
- I need to get my social life back, hang out more often with my friends and what’s left of my family.
- I need to build old contacts back up, and show old friends how much they still mean to me, although we might be several thousand miles apart.
- I have to keep my living spaces clean, since messes limit me in my capabilities. Clean more, and keep this house presentable while mother is out, working.
- I need to cut down my time on the computer, where I only waste my time and procrastinate, instead of doing the work I need to do.
- I have to be outside more often; hiding in my small rooms when I am depressed will drive me crazy overtime.
- Sometimes, I will have to let life teach me my lessons the cruel way. But mainly, I need to trust my conscience.
- I need to use writing and composing as my primary way of dealing with things, besides actually opening up to people.
- I have to finally find out what I really want to do with my life. I have endless possibilities and so many choices, and I just need to make up my mind.
- I need to apologize in person to the people I’ve hurt.
- I need to fix my reputation that I have recently ruined, and show people that I can be trusted, no matter what.
- I want to be able to look into the mirror and beam with pride about who I have finally become.

And I will have to be able not to cry whenever I write long lists like this…

I can’t really explain my life up until this point. All I know is that I am a dreamer and a drifter. I am 17-years-old now and I feel like I haven’t lived at all. Throughout my life so far, I’ve just drifted in and out of activities and met and lost touch with people. I think it’s called “apathy”. A friend of mine (we’ve lost touch as well) once said that APATHY is DEATH. I get it now. =[ It’s like I’ve been asleep for a long time and is now, finally, beginning to wake up to reality and to a burning desire within me NOT to live like this for the next 20 years… or EVER AGAIN. I want to (yes) seize the day, do the things I want to do, cultivate friendships and grow them, find romance, and, mostly, live it up and enjoy the ride, while not feeling like a trainwreck and that everything is just wrong, wrong, WRONG. I’m giving myself time to reflect now for what’s left of high school. (17 weeks) Right now, I just want to be okay… I want to make it through the next 17 weeks alive… =[