quit saying I want to write and actually write

I want so bad to be a writer, but I can’t find anything I feel strongly enough about. I begin and within a very short time I feel like the topic is weak and I stop.

1. Blogging
2. Short stories
3. Novels
4. Screenplays
5. Stageplays

I realize that I left out many worthy and rewarding styles of writing, such as poetry and nonfiction. I actually…I’ll add nonfiction to the list

6. Nonfiction

There…okay, time to keep this goal in mind, and give myself a pat on the back when I accomplish one of those types of writing.

today i am very depressed…........sad,upset infact hav all d negative emotions.i cried a lot today, nd hav nobody to share my pain with.sitting all alone nd spending a sleepless night.
my story has lots of twists nd turns….infact ab to wo khichdi hi ban gai hai.it al began 3 years back when my class 10th board xams ended. we went 4 a trip to dalhousie from school. had lot of fun there. wahi par ek nayi dosti ki shuruat hui. i nd niki were best frndz. we hav bn frnz since class 5. dere our frndshp was joined by two othr guys- prateek nd adarsh.btrip end hone k baad i n adi becam very gud frnds infct best frnz…........i hv nvr had a frnd lyk him. he ws so caring, undrstd evrythng widout me sayng nethng. v got 2gthr vry wl.den it happend in may dat….prateek propsed me. yes, at d sm tym prateek n i gt atrctd 2wards eachother. he proposed nd i sd yes. usi k ek mahine bad adi proposed niki. sab kuch dhik chl rha tha ki pata nhi kaha se…..niki strtd feelng dat smthng is gng on btwn me nd adi. now dis was really vry hurtng coz she used to b my bf…nd ws thnkng lik dis. but nvr mind i tried 2 ignore dis since she nvr cm up wid dis directly . to my shock prateek bi ye hi sochta tha.since mera aur uska bond itna strng nhi tha….we broke up. actually d truth was he ws vry manipulative.nd tried to dominate me….also he kissed me which probably told me dat he was nt d guy 4 me…........wil cntnue ltr

Nanowrimo didn’t happen this year. I started doing Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, but then quit.

Yesterday, I went to a Write-a-thon at a local writing studio. It wasn’t particularly productive, but it was nice to be in a space with writers. So last night, I got The Artist’s Way out again and am going to try again. It’s not even a matter of cultivating the writer within, but tapping into creativity and the flow of artistic energy.

Today I wrote a bit, did some exercises from The Artist’s Way, and drew.

I have a lot of days thinking of a lot o things to write. I have had alot of ideas and things. I thought i will write about world wars, peace, women, i dont know a lot of silly stuff. But in this moment ican only think in one thing: in Him. Why can’t i write all those things in my head?.Why can’t i even think in those things anymore?
I only can think of how my stomach feels butterflies when i see him, or how it me¿akes me nervous when he laugh at me. I fel so stupid, i feel so silly, but specially i feel alive. I’ve havn’t felt this psecial in all my life.I feel like i started to live since the moment i saw him.It is the strangest thing ever.I feel like I am not me anymore.
It feels like some girl came and took cntrol of my body. A girl that i didn’t like but felt the way i’ve always wanted to feel.This girl doesn’t have my usual selfconfidence and bitchyness; she doesnt have the power to be a smartass or the will to always be better than the others. She is realy shy and humble. But she doesnt care about all those superficial things, she just care about him.She have this feeling i’ve never had. She talks about love and romance like if they were the best thing ever. She hs fallen in love.
But why did i hated s much? Ñthat question has been in my head for days and days. And you know what? I have found an answer. Since the moment i had this question ireally knew the answer. The problem was i didnt wanted to accept it. Ifelt like if i thinked iot again andagain something else would come upp. But it didnt worked.
I was jealous, iwas jealous of htat girl i am materalizing and i hated so much.
But how could i hate her so much? how could i be so jealous of her?
if that girl was me. was a new and sttrange psrt of me. Maybe im scared. Well i actually know im sacerd but why? Scared od the best feeling ever, or maybe just scared of leting love in.

I went to the park one day last week, plugged in my Zune, and wrote for an hour and a half straight.
I haven’t been able to stop since.
:)

3 oclock came and went today and i didn t have to do my stare at the screen routine. i finished rick bragg s memoir IT S ALL OVER BUT THE SHOUTIN today. i envy people who can make a living traveling around with a notebook and a pencil writing stories of the things they see and the people they meet. i would give his book 3 stars and say it compares well with burrough s SCISSORS, MCCOURT S ANGELA S ASHES although angela was not nearly as good a mother as bragg s was. i have started john cheever s daughter s book HOME BEFORE DARK. my favorite kind of book is autobios of writers or someone who knew them well. i have a book about tennessee williams written by his brother,and a book about jame s dickey written by his son. my fav website is goodreads.com..my name there is mrmtchr.

each day, after i have read for 4 hours, taken a nap, exercised, i usually have 3 hours before i can begin to think of eating supper. this is the most boring time of the day and the time i have decided to sit at my computer,desk and either just sit there for 3 hours staring at a blank page or write something,anything. my wife is addicted to feelings of accomplishment and achieves these through constant activities such as-sewing,scrapbooking,gardening,ironing-yes,she loves to iron,housework,and her least favorite activity, cooking. i eat anything so after 40 yrs i have finally convinced her to not cook so much. we eat many tv dinners. she cooks stuff which we can eat for 3 days or so such as casseroles,baked spaghetti-my favorite. i haver never been able to write fiction so these journal entries will suffice as my daily writing. i don t know if i want to start a blog but i do know i want feedback from readers. i have written about my journals in another entry and will not repeat myself.

some guys have to work for a living. i don t. i never did work. i don t have enough quarters to qualify for social security. i am a retired teacher living on a lower middle class pension. i don t remember the exact figures cause my wife, a retired nurse ,keeps all those stats as well as doing everything else for me. i never considered teaching as real work like those guys who carry furniture or guys who carry lumber all day. i did have much stess much of the time but that s not really work or is it ? i consider reading and writing about my reading as my work now although i don t get paid for it. i have added listening to books in the pm as another of my chosen chores. the hardest part of these activities seems to be the writing part. i don t know if it s pure laziness which adds to the difficulty of this chore or lack of confidence and or fear of failure. that s why i think this website will help me with my writing . i also become motivated when i get some feedback and i have gotten much from the readers here so far so keep the feedback coming. thanks joe

my son has just taken his 6 month pregnant wife to the hospital due to her having contractions. he said they will keep her overnight and he will call us tonight or if there are any new developments. they have been trying to have this baby for over 2 years. they went through two rounds of in vitro and were about to give up when kelly became pregnant. they have the nursery all ready,were picking out things for the baby,have even named it michael joseph. he said they are going to try to stop the contractions . writing this is supposed to make me feel better. i don t feel much better. i put ‘pre mature’ babies on a google search and read that 6 month old babies usually have disabilities later in life if they survive. i told chris we will pray for them. my wife is shopping so i can t talk with her about this development. i have to type here and pray for a good outcome.