Make the tough decisions... before it's too late

“One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name.”
– from Old Mortality, (1816) chap. 34, by Sir Walter Scott, (1771-1832)

I had several doses of reality lately. My sister’s cancer (she is doing well), my Mother’s cancer (her surgery is tomorrow) and now the most recent news, another sister with an abnormal mamogram (her core biopsy is tomorrow). Two things about all this, first… stay on top of those recommended exams. And second, know that I am.

Another dose of reality hit me yesterday when a very dear friend advised me to start living before it’s too late. I bury myself in work and allow fear to capture me far too often.
Well I mustered up some courage and met an amazing new friend. I feel blessed to have found this kind, genuine person. I could’ve easily missed this rare gift.

I hope you all are well. I am learning.

I don’t know if it’s stress… my job is heating up. I’ve had to “clean house” and although I know I’m doing what is best for my company, letting people go is never easy. Just when I think I’ve found the perfect replacement, the guy declines at the 11th hour.

I’ve always been someone who can dish it out as well as take it… recently, I’ve lost my sense of humor. I’ve also stopped caring about most things. Don’t care about the “home improvements” I’ve started. Afterall, it’s really just me. I know I’m depressed. I’ve been down this road before. I’m sure this will pass. But right now, I’m troubled by my own apathy.

Can any of you muster up some words of encouragment for the prodigal daughter?

I love it here.. cept the heat. But I love coming home and finding everything exactly where I left it.

Miss you all!

I guess this was a tough decision and although I’m not 100% sure that it was the right one… at least I did something. Probably just alot happening all at once, but I can’t fight off the tears.

Tomorrow is the closing on my condo in St. Louis. I’m happy, sad and scared.

Lots of changes lately and more to come. I’m embracing the change… yeah, ok.. I’m terrified.

But nevertheless… it’s happening. I am moving to St Louis. I’ll be viewing condos next week. Yes, I know it’s hot there… I’ll have to acclimate.

Everything is going to be JUST FINE. really…

I’m a big believer in honor your father and mother, but the price can be very, very costly. The tough decision can be to accept people where they are vs. where you wish them to be – or stop trying all together. I believe I’ve stopped aspiring for myself, but for my children and the experience of having a grandfather, I’m working to let them experience, determine and decide all on their own. And in the meantime, we are very thankful, for a granny straight from God.

An Inconvenient Truth

Have you? Tell me what you think.

My father maintains a “my family” website, and I visit it from time to time. I wasn’t raised with him in the house and I have struggled from time to time with our relationship. He has always been a recognized teacher and coach in the community. He keeps the website going with pictures, updates and news about the family. He has raised my youngest sister, and my siblings and I share very little except him. After a week of holiday celebration, my mind couldn’t help but linger on thoughts of what he was doing, where he spent the holidays and what was the family news of the day.

I don’t know why, 35 years later with 3 children and a husband, any of it matters. I can go without thinking about it for days, and then all of the issues, hurts, disappointments, can come full circle in a matter of minutes. It lingers under the surface, I’m painfully aware that he really has never understood the damage he has caused, not for me, even less for my younger brother.

At times I accept what he can do becuase I don’t want to color his relationship with the kids. He sees them a few times a year, sends an obligatory birthday gift, and typically a check or something for Christmas. So – today I have to wonder, what is the price?

What is the price for admission into our lives? If I’m waiting on an apology it isn’t going to happen. If I want him to look at the disparity between how he treats his children – it isn’t going to happen. If I’m seeking confirmation or admiration for my parenting and relationship style – it will not happen. So, what is the price of admission – does remembering 3 birthday’s a year equal being a grandfather? Do you accept people where they are and just accept it.

Or do you make the hard choices, and do something different. Whatever it is – I’m done with the Family Web Site. It really isn’t my family at all.

The holidays can bring mounds of joy, and a few other emotions. I was looking forward to having my family come visit – because they know what they are getting, at least for the most part. Although I wish we had the house furnished and all of the details attended to, they know where things are at – 2 mortgages, some rooms completely unfurnished, the color scheme very much that of the previous home owner. Yet, the family celebrates with me because they rejoice in the new space, the nicer home, etc.

Well, my best friend from back home indicated that she had a change in plans and wanted to come visit. Hmmmm – that didn’t sound quite as fun. I wanted to see her – but I felt like I would be judged for all that was not “perfect” and I know she is currently house hunting. Something in the pit of my stomach said, she’ll see what you have and get something bigger, more spacious, more brick, more. The green eyed monster didn’t care about the spirit of thanksgiving, it rested well within the deepest thoughts and expressions on my face. I said, sure, come – and started my list of no furniture, not in order apologies.

Fighting my demons was difficult when she first arrived, I gave the 2 second tour of the house and I was struggling to find my smiles. About 30 minutes later, it clicked – this is not her issue, its yours. I could have said it was a bad time to visit, I could have suggested that she come when all was well, but I just pressed through. And, once I pressed thrøugh my monster, I remembered why she has been my best friend for a lifetime.

We talked about the future and about possibilities – in the house and in life. We laughed over overpriced kid jeans and I stood in awe of her generosity for my daughters birthday. We cringed jointly at the sponge paint effect in much of my house – it is so not me. And she honestly responded – we’ll have another conversation if we are still doing this 2 years, but you just moved in – give yourself a break.

Sometime in next year, she’ll buy a home. It will be her first. It may be more of whatever, but I don’t really care. I may have to fight my demons, but our friendship is worth it. I’ll look forward to seeing her vision, her victory and getting the coolest housewarming gift that creativity and 20 years of friendship can buy. And, at every turn this year, I’ll continue to make decisions that reflect who I want to be, even if the person I am is tagging behind a bit. Friendship is worth it – growing up is worth it- modeling a different behavior than your emotions dictate – is worth it.

Here’s to a true spirit of thanksgiving, for possibilities and for friendship.