get over grief

i have truly never met someone who would change my life forever, i rarely cared about anything in that sense i was a mere child, i met you in the summer of the end of year 10,we became friends and you told me about your ambitions and dreams, that way you dreams gave me hope. I had no prospects for study and cared little for my future.We became good friends , we always talked about the future and rarely about the past. I always regret not talking about that now.I started to care about my VCE and shared your dream of going to RMIT university in the city, i don’t know why i choose accounting as a career option, at school i wasn’t the subject i was getting the best of grades.It was boring as! But i knew i always wanted to be with you.
All i cared about was you, at the time i wanted to say i loved you and i wanted you to know. If i knew you had an illness i would profess my love anyway, that way i could at least make you feeled love. I always wondered why you wouldnt let me open up to you, was it because you thought it would be less painful for me, was it because you couldnt love me the way i did.
Some of the memories were of us studying together quietly in the state library and that one time we went to St Kilda beach and Luna Park for your birthday.I will never forget the fear in your eyes, the tears and laughter and the sorrow.methaphors are stupids but it was a rollercoaster into despair.
People choose to live their ways the best of they know how, you lived your life any normal VCE students. I was surprised how normal you were, i didn’t find out about your disease until that one time i walked you home and spoke to your little sister.
I felt a little angry in that i felt that she couldnt trust me , but i remember what she said that really changed me “wouldnt be like it is now” , she was right.
After these times i havent cared for myself,cared for life. sometimes i wished i did died but unlike my sisters preception of a heaven i wish we could come back as spirits.
My biggest regret is not telling you i loved you but that i let you down, i am living today and i have been giving this oppurtunity and yet i waste it.i am so sorry.I want to dedicate myself to finishing your dream, be with me and we can finish this together.
You meet someone that truly chances your outlook on life, for that you will always be a part of who i am….

love always .

it was hard because i knew how wonderful it would of been to have you at my sisters wedding… even though i don’t feel guilty all the time its not the guilt that makes me keep your memories , its the love.

sometimes it becomes so much of a burden to have these memories, its a cruel way of thinking but its so mentally exhausting …..