"There were so many misunderstandings that my parents and I had. But fortunately in the end, I eventually started getting along with them and I noticed that we had a stronger connection than before."
How I did it: I can't exactly pinpoint when I actually started getting along with them. It was more like a process of understanding where I was at and how I was even there. It was a process of understanding my past and growing mature.
For me, I'll admit that I was one bad rebel in my teen years. I wasn't being cooperative nor kind. I was generally being sarcastic to my parents and refused to communicate to them because I didn't feel 'respected' or 'supportive' by them. But I yearned for their acceptance and love deep inside.
In the end, I realized it was my high expectations of them that disappointed me. I also was being selfish. Like if my parents didn't buy me something, I'd assume they didn't love me. But in fact, it wasn't anything like that at all. I didn't want to accept some things but I did for the sake of the relationship but let me say, it has paid off.
I didn't understand what my parents were going through. We think that they're people that don't hurt, love or feel sadness, etc. But once we start listening to their opinions (it will take time to accept their views), and start accepting that they have feelings too, we start to understand them more. We want to help them and love them more.
Listening to each other and considering in different views from yours is important in building a parent-child relationship. Sometimes parents may never accept what you think and that may be because they've been there before and it has failed bigtime.
I'm sure most would think that it's because they want to feel respected all the time but I think it's because they want us to learn to respect ourselves especially if it's going to turn out bad. They want to help to prevent those kind of regrets/failures from happening since small mistakes have big consequences whether we realize it or not.
I can't say that my parents were perfect either. They've grown with me during all of it. My father had a problem with being emotionally abusive. He knew it too but he had a hard time dealing with it. I found out that it was my grandmother (his mother) who wrecked most of his childhood by controlling him and putting him down. I try to understand that and that has helped my father tons. (Parents need support from their children, too.)
Even now, he's putting his efforts into being a more loving father and I'm happy about that. In turn, he's helping me and giving me advice that's giving me a different and fresh perspective of things -- stuff like that really help in the long run.
If you've made getting along with your parents your goal, then I want to encourage you to not give up. Yes, I know there are some parents who will never ever give you the proper support and love you need. Some parents may never get along with you. But at least you've given it your best to get along, right? I think that one of the most important investments you can make in life is trying to get along with your parents and you shouldn't regret trying. Stay strong.
Lessons & tips: These are tips I've learned along the way for building a strong relationship. It not only applies to parents but siblings, friends, etc as well.
1. Promote peace. -- This has to be the most important thing of all. If you want relationship to work, you've got to keep the peace. It's easy to get nasty and start arguing but once you learn to be polite and patient (sometimes even tolerant) you'll learn how beneficial it is for the both of you.
Try not to be sarcastic and be gentle with your words. It may be easy to give up since they may not speak nicely back but once you start being patient and gentle to others persistently, others will slowly start following your lead.
2. Be understanding. -- Sometimes we're too critical of our parent's mistakes. We assume them to be perfect and therefore criticize them harshly and nag them about it while our mistakes have to be 'understood' because 'we're too young to understand' or some other reason. Sometimes, we have to dig deeper. (Like the case of my father. I was always arguing with him until I realized there was something in his childhood that made him critical of others. Understanding this helped me respond better to my father.)
Being selfish in a relationship can destroy it rather than build it up. Be generous to others. It doesn't mean you have to give them something. Be generous at understanding and giving people a chance to grow. You'll be amazed at what being generous can do.
3. Encourage and support. -- Give people positive feedback. Help them excel in their strengths and give support and advice (when is needed) in their weaknesses. Being critical can do the opposite. Always look for the best in them and don't expect anything from them. Not having high expectations will help you see their real strengths. Do nice things and don't expect anything back.
4. Sometimes confrontation is necessary. If something is terribly bothering you and it's time to confront it, then do so. But do it in a very gentle and direct way. Blaming them can make a confrontation end up in an argument. Instead tell the problem, tell them a possible solution and how you can help (you're part of the relationship too, right?)
But be aware of your motives. Are you confronting this person because you want them 'to have a piece of your mind' or sound correct? OR are you doing it for the peace of the relationship? Make sure you're doing it for the peace of the relationship.
5. Accept if things won't work out sometimes. -- Some relationships will never work out no matter what you do. Sometimes relationships will intoxicate you and hurt you. In this case, it's better to let go. Be firm and be clear about it. Don't hold on to relationships that can bring you down to a dangerous level. Sometimes it's the other person that may not want to have a real relationship with you. It could be that they have a problem. At least you've tried.
I'm sure there's more things to building a relationship than this. But be persistant. Remember that if you want to change others (in a good way), you should learn to change yourself first. :)
Resources: Self-help books, psychology books and books on relationships helped me a lot. Remember to research sometimes. It can be a lot of help. Also, ask others that can help you positively for support and advice. Their insight may help you open your eyes to things you haven't though of before.
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Jan 15, 2009, 05:09AM PST
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