so for a really long time now i found out my dad isnt really my biological father…i was so crushed!!! for 17 yrs of my life i thought he was my “real” father….since then i’ve been questioning who i really am…i’m not sad that my dad is my dad. i just feel lost and lied to for so long. i know that my mom and my dad (the whole family) didnt tell me because they wanted to protect me….where they ever going to tell me? to this day they dont know i know. lets just say i just know because someone told me and showed me the photo of this man who happened left my prego mom. i just have a lot of questions still needing answers. sadly i am too afraid to ask my mom…i guess that would be my goal to approach my mom. its just so crazy because i know i more siblings then what i thought i have. its just so unfair that i was the last to know. thats what makes me so mad…even my husband (then boyfriend) knew about me before me!! he couldnt even tell me…i just have a lot of feelings about this whole thing and i feel like no one can ever or will ever understand how i feel.
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It was a stupid thing to want in the first place. I’m not the person to give up asking questions but I’m ready to admit that not all questions need to have an answer.
On this journey called life do you ever ask why?
Damn today I asked so many questions and there were no answer. If you ask me what 2 and 2 equals, I can tell you – 4, if you ask me will it be pitch black at 9 in the morning, I can tell you – no. If you ask me how to say yes in French I can tell you -Oui.
Today I couldn’t get any answers to my questions, It’s as though my questions are rhetorical, I want answers and I still want answers but one thing I do know is that we don’t always get what we want and my answer to that is because what we want is not always what we need………LOL.
I figured that the questions I asked today would never be answered, or if they were, would I really understand or believe that these answers were true, or just quick Reponses to shut me up. I looked up to the sky and whispered these questions over and over, hoping that by some chance, or miraculous act a voice would reply and sooth all this pain away.
Why did it take 28 years for my mother to say the words I love you, what made her realize that she did? What made her decide this huh? What made her inflict so much physical pain on me as a child? What made her scream, punch me, throw things at me spend nights in the club instead of spending it with me? What made her write birthday, xmas, congratulations cards always ending FROM MUM, I looked in all of them the word love never written, she always left that word out…… it was as though she would be fined if she wrote it. So now at age 28 when she says I love you, am I wrong for asking why she loves me now?
Why does he still come into my life, why did he ever come into my life….. He is inlove with someone else, they are happy, he sold me a dream,. But I was just a part of his journey, helping him get over his pain, his relationship, an ear from him to vent, but why did he not listen to my pain, did he not hear when I told him how much I loved him….I even accepted him sleeping with other women because I understood that sex is sometimes just physical. He said he needed to release his sexual frustration, when I wasn’t around. Yes we had a long distance relationship. Why did I value it more than he did. So now he has found the love of his life, ironically he has moved to my state and she has followed him so they live here in my town, happily together…..Yep he made his choice, I was not the choice, so why does he still call me, why does he insist on telling me how special I am, why wont he let it go, why wont he let me go, why don’t I let him go, why?
Why does my sister cut me out of her life for no reason, why do I constantly try to get her approval and show her how much I want this thing called sisterhood, for her to ignore my calls, for her to cut me out. Why did I leave home at 17 because we shared a room, in which I couldn’t live with her abuse any more. Why did she throw knifes at me if I didn’t do what she wanted….why did she break every last damn gift I was given when she had a tantrum,. Ok I can kind of rationalize that by saying we were kids, but know we are grown. And I am still reaching out for her love. Why does she act as though we didn’t grow up together, share meals, fights, laughter, tears, dolls, a room together, why cant she get past her anger. Why wont she move on and know that the past is the past but we have to try to live in today, Why wont she find it in herself to reach out to me. Why would she prefer her son to have no contact with his Auntie who wants so much to be a part of his life, why wont she get past herself and her pain and realize that she is causing me pain, why doesn’t she care about that?
Why did my father, promise that everything would be ok, promise to always take care of me, my father, who instilled so much happiness in me left my world at age 9. He didn’t leave for another women, he left to be with his maker, but in the meantime I have lived my life never feeling protected. Always feeling as though I had to fight for everything, and I still fight for everything, why did he leave me to fight alone, why did he leave me to be here alone?
Why do I kill myself with this secret food addiction everyday, I just cant stop it, why do I consume myself with so much food till I cant move, till I pass out and block out all my feelings. I know that its not good for me but the pain of life causes me to feel so misplaced that the only thing I can do to erase this emptiness is to fill myself up with this substance, yes food can be used as a substance, Why do I do it, knowing that I am better than that, knowing that despite all my problems, I still want love and to give love, but that I will never be able to give or receive it fully until I can stop this craving. Damn I never thought I would be one of those people. I feel as though I am losing hope and losing the battle. Why cant I stop, why? The disappointment I have in myself for this embarrassing addiction makes me so mad that I want to be alone, why cant I trust, why? Well that seems like a dumb question, because when I do trust, why do I always get betrayed……hurt ……………shitted on…..why?
Why do I get up each day to be knocked down again and again, what makes me get back up and what makes me want to get back up, why do I say tomorrow will be better, why do I get back up, Why?
toolisima is making the list again
Somethings were not ment for me to know why…I learned that today.
So for now on, if I really want to know why, first I most be sure why I want that…
maybe I should just stop thinking?? Sava told me once that I should not be so analytical…why?
Why are people so stupid? Why is my milk is always expired. Why when I find something I like they stop making it. Why is there always one extra sock in the dryer? Why wasn’t I switched at birth? Why when you love someone they don’t love you back. Why when someone loves you, you don’t love them? Why, why, why!!!
toolisima is making the list again
this is a forever goal… to keep myself interested in the world, people, life.
