met a really nice guy about a month ago. so far so good…..actually it’s going very well. i think he’s good for me. excited to see how things go.

well, my life is not the crock of shit that it was 12 months ago, i’ve made lots of positive changes

it’s the last time i can reflect before my birthday. so it’s like new year’s resolutions time. my life WILL be very different in another year. this has been the worst year of my life. but i don’t have to let it stay that way. and i need to start the year as i intend it to continue. so that means i need to embrace opportunities. in a year, i still want to weigh 49kilos. it’s the magic number because it’s what i wanted to weigh BEFORE ana warped my mind. i still feel huge at this weight, but i need to put it in perspective. i don’t want to weigh any lower than 48 because i would MUCH rather be anything and happy than 46 and ana.
and this summer i won’t always hide my scars. hiding drains the life away. so usually i think i might as well keep making them then, but it will be much better feeling if i can honestly say that’s behind me.

My goals are:

Community:

Have an active, caring role within the community that reflects my core values

When I start Uni I’m going to make sure I join groups and societies- for example I know there’s a Buddhist meditation group and you can also volunteer to plant up areas the green spaces around the halls of residence. Anything that helps me feel part of “something bigger” is a plus.

Earth/Environment:

Be more eco-friendlyI’m not really sure how this goal will work out next year. I already shop with canvas bags, write on twice-recycled paper and am careful about what I throw away. I’ll wait and see.

Physicality:

%{color:blue}Be at my ideal weight and have more muscle tone
Right now I’m doing a cardio workout everyday for 30-45 minutes everyday, and on “days off” I go for an hour’s walk. When I join the gym at Uni I’ll definitely introduce some resistance training%

Cut out refined sugar from my dietI’ve already drastically reduced this. When I want something sweet I’ll allow myself a (preferably fruit based) macrobiotic dessert or, if I can, just eat fruit instead. At the moment I’ve replaced things like cereal and baked beans with healthier versions sweetened naturally with apple juice rather than sugar.

Eat healthily and in a balanced wayI’m eating 3 healthy, portion-controlled meals a day at the moment, and trying out plenty of new recipes. I’m anticipating being a bit thrown-off by the food at Uni since, even because I’ve asked for the vegan options, I’m not expecting it to be so healthy as I’m eating now. I’ll deal with that when and if it comes to it…

Exercise regularly, taking up Yoga againI’m going to the gym most days and plan to take up a Yoga class with my gym membership next year.

Manage my hormonal mood swings and symptoms betterI guess healthy eating is going to help this, and also the exercise and yoga. I might also consider taking some Evening Primrose capsules, but I’ll concentrate on manipulating one variable at a time!

Personality:

Have more confidenceFeel more capable and assured of my own abilities: worry less!

Love my body and feel happy with my appearance

Be more open, loving, kind and generous to all those around me

I think all of these will happen in conjunction with the other changes I’m making, but to help, I’m going to practice my positive affirmations and always aim to think the best about myself and people. I might start with making a list of all my strengths and the things I like about myself and out it into a creative format so I can look at it when I’m feeling down or inadequate.

Status:

Be a confident, capable and organised student whose achievements match her abilities

Keeping my life tidy and organised seems to put me in the right frame of mind for academic type organisation, so keeping my personal space clear would help. I will organise things as I go along rather then leave it, always file notes away and MAKE SURE I FULLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING BEFORE I HAVE TO START WORK ON IT. Reading notes after lectures would help! My creative representation of strengths will help with my confidence as a student, too.

Have an active role within the communitySame as goals under “community”.

Spirituality

Daily meditation combined with the affirmations and everything else I’m doing should just about do it.

Fun:

Read more fiction

I might possibly join a book club, but most of all make time to read. I often seem to waste time doing things I don’t really want to do, so instead of Facebooking for half an hour, I’ll read.

Go to the theatre more often

I’ll put myself on the mailing list for the local theatre and also University performances. I’ll remind myself how much I love going and how this is a much better way to spend time and money than drinking and “socialising” whilst drinking!

Also:

Have more independence

This will be enforced by the natural environment anyway, since I’ll be moving away from home as it is.

Have a close group of lovely friends in my everyday life

There’ll be plenty of opportunities to meet people at Uni and joining groups where people are more like-minded should help. I think also that if I start liking myself more then it can only be a good thing to project that out into the world. I will trust in the universe too.

Successfully manage my finances

I had a think about this and I guess I’m not so bad at managing money as I might have anticipated. Taking an interest is the first step, and there’s always help from student services (and dad!). One of the major things is to only buy things that are necessary and that I actually want. I’d much prefer to go to the theatre which costs a set price rather than waste money drinking indefinitely.

I’ve had a think about this one. It seems to me like there’s little point in setting the goal and then just hoping that life will be different, or setting it because you know there will be big changes and you hope the rest will fall into to place. For example, I already know that by this time next year I’ll have left home, be at Uni and made new friends etc, because that’s kinda inevitable. But instead of waiting for those things to make me happy or feel like I’ve acheieved something, I’m setting goals to work towards so I have some autonomy in the whole process. I’ve also decided to do a bi-monthly appraisal so that I can be aware of anything I could be doing better before the time runs out to achieve the goals.

I had a think about what I felt I wanted for myself this time next year and also did this assessment which gives you an idea of the main areas of your life that can affect your psychological health and wellbeing. Mine was pretty good (I’ve already started making small changes) apart from an appalling “community” score!

My goals are:

Community
Have an active, caring role within the community that reflects my core values

Earth
Be more eco-friendly

Physicality
Be at my ideal weight and have more muscle tone
Cut out refined sugar from my diet
Eat healthily and in a balanced way
Exercise regularly, taking up Yoga again
Manage my hormonal mood swings and symptoms better

Personality
Have more confidence
Feel more capable and assured of my own abilities: worry less!
Love my body and feel happy with my appearance
Be more open, loving, kind and generous to all those around me

Status
Be a confident, capable and organised student whose achievements match her abilities
Have an active role within the community

Spirituality
Have a greater degree of inner peace, being a calm, relaxed and loving person
Practice meditation daily
Be part of a spiritual group or community

Fun
Read more fiction
Go to the theatre more often

Also
Have more independence
Have a close group of lovely friends in my everyday life
Successfully manage my finances

I’m going to have a think about how I can achieve these goals and break them down…

I am really starting to use my pda to keep up with my schedule. I seemed like a lot of work at first, but it is working for me. And I like it.

I find it is starting to just force itself. I know I can’t keep living the way I have been and sick of just letting life happen to me and waiting for it too. Its put me in a rut, and if I keep going this way I am really going to fail. But as the point of this year, I am going to stop this in its track. I am not so sure how when things are looking tough, but I will pull through.

I am (gulp) less than four months away from this. And what is different about my life? Living back in the US, sure, but this was not what I would call a radical change. Or okay, maybe it is, but given that I am still floating around here and not grounded in a concrete way, it almost feels like things haven’t changed. Hmmm. Am I being too hard on myself? I just feel I haven’t figured anything out, and I am coasting by.

Things that are different:
- Living in the US again
- Cutting myself off from the non-profit (still two little strings attached, one starting with a P, the other with a G)
- Biking (who would have thought?)

And that is about it, really.

...I just realized that my life is now c o m p l e t e l y different from how it is used to be.

Almost everything changed.

I had a quite challenging year at university and life did not always treat me that wonderful, but I’m still proud of the goals I accomplished.

^{I’ve moved away from my parents’ home, started a new life in a new city, at a school and a faculty in which I always wanted to be. Learned to manage my limited money. Stayed in student dorm. Sometimes with sweet, sometimes with horrible people. Recovered most of the scars of the past, I’ve got the best best friend in the world, I have learned a zillion things about social science and also a new language(though I’m not finished with it). Joined to a zillion of students clubs and met with a zillion of people. Became better able to distinguish who is worthless and who is real. Had some awful physical and emotional involvements with both sexes and still managed to keep my self respect and stopped when it did not feel right. Stayed platonicly in love with the same person since the beginning of the academic year, and secretly enjoyed it. Took a trip to Italy. The kind of random trip that I always dreamed to have. Bought my first interrail ticket. Slept in the places of guys I do not know. Skipped the school. Traveled alone. Took photographs. Actually managed to get nicer photographs. Learned to use analog camera. Also learned to use the darkroom and do real photography with films. Improved my horizon about photography. Spent hours with those books on photography in library. Learned to cook. Started to learn juggling. Spinned fire poi and managed to not burn myself. Learned academic English for social science. Improved my English and became able to easily understand all those textbooks in social science in English. Had brief ideas about what is going on in the realm of social science. Studied Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology, History of Civilization, Philosophy, Economics and Statistics. Managed to pass all these classes except economics. Learned to watch people come and go. Not everyone is here to stay and this fact does not breaks my heart anymore. Understood how much my family meant to me. (They are here to stay) Understood how much I meant for myself. Became an introverted person, and felt completely glad about it.}

Here, the vision I depicted of my totally different life, and progress report – 9 months in… I will say, I’m giving myself until the end of 2009 on this goal. All’s fair in love and goal setting.

My situation next year:

• Have a more harmonious lifestyle, clean out my clutter and the clutter at mom’s, be rid of many of these books and old papers and old clothes and redundant furniture. There is progress here. More to be done, but there’s progress. Most stuff out of mom’s storage, many things tossed. After this weekend, even more will be tossed, donated or given away.

• Keep a tidy apartment, so that I could have anyone over. Work on routines and cleaning habits.

• Cook nutritious meals 4 or 5 times a week – have a steady rotation of healthy meals that I make well. Fair. Cooking definitely more, but still need to work on healthier staples.

• Pay credit card debt. REALLY need some help here. I simply need more work. That needs to be a goal. And stay on top of invoicing. Be a good self-employer.

• Be toned and weigh less than 140lbs and be a REGULAR exerciser, 3-5 times a week every week without belaboring the decision and falling off the wagon after each burst. It’s not happening. The exercise is a real challenge for me. The diet is periodically easier. Got under 140 for a while. Back up to 148 now. The exercise is clearly a critical goal.

• Be in school, successfully completing my masters and developing a professional network of contacts. Have a stronger discipline and work ethic, and get ready to start a great job – feeling confident and skilled and qualified. I am in school. I am doing reasonably okay. I need to work harder. The discipline isn’t there yet. I haven’t done any networking. I need to do that.

• Minimize school debt by continuing to work part time on projects outside of school, and maybe also as a contractor or freelancer in some respect if I feel ready for that. Or, I should say, I WANT to feel READY for that by this time next year. The debt is escalating and there is little work to be had. It’s theoretically possible, by this fall, that I could TRY to start getting some work if I really focus between now and then on serious learning. This is another goal that needs specific attention.

• Have some friends who matter to me, and to whom I matter. Have friendships that are gratifying, where when I need someone to talk to I can think of someone to call, and when they need someone to talk to, they think of me, too. Where we visit each other and/or go out and do fun things together. Fun, supportive, consistent friendships. I have one great friendship that’s really blossomed this year and I’m proud of myself for nurturing it. I have another that’s fallen by the way-side, but I hope it will rekindle when she moves to Boston. I need to make some more friends, but I’m happy with some progress.

• Be in a healthy relationship with a great guy. Or, at least, feel positive and optimistic toward the possibility of love. Enjoy dating and feel good about myself as a woman. Well, hell! I went to Italy! I have enjoyed dating. It’s still a work in progress, but I do feel better about myself than I did last year – and certainly, CERTAINLY, I have freed myself from the thrall of years with Mr.BadNoWrongStopTurnBackNow. Good. Progress.

• Be comfortable with and excited and confident about the idea that I am ready and can manage (physically, emotionally, financially) to bring a child into my life – whether it’s with someone or on my own. Another urgent message from my unconscious the other night. I need to keep this goal in front of me. It’s a real hyper-focusing issue.