and I did some serious thinking about where I am in life. I am ok with how things are going, but like I said before its not enough. My life could be soo much more then what I am making it.
My head has been so wrapped around my future and what makes me happy this week that I haven’t got much done. I really felt it was time to decide my plan in life. I am not setting a time line to get it done, but I needed goals. And I needed to decide what makes me happiest, becuase clearly me sitting around thinking my life isn’t very fulfilling isn’t working.
So I have though long and hard. I thought about careers I could do to help people. I realized, I really wanted to be a teacher. In early 2008 I decided to give this up because the job rates are so bad in Ontario. But you know what? I decided if I have to move to teach, then so be it. I know this is what I’d be good at. I am really good with children, AND I am good at helping people. This is what I want to do. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders at this decision.
Luckily, this decision also made me feel found and more motivated. When I had gave up that goal I had no idea why I was doing my Bachelors degree. I didn’t feel motivated to be doing it considering I don’t like the course selection at my University. In fact, I was really close to dropping out. But I clearly did not, but I still have been feeling I am doing it for nothing, and wasting the money considering I had no passion to get good grades.
But now I have reason. I also have found out that one of the biggest problems is the whole arts thing which I have mentioned a million times. This week I was watching an artsy film and I though, hey I could be doing this kind of stuff and would be having a blast. Then I started looking up old paintings I loved. I felt alive.
I decided then I need to slowly break the war against my self and art. Sure I foolishly gave up that path by listening to my Aunts discouragement but I didn’t not have to give it up completely. That was my own fault, and same with the feelings I have gained with it these past 5 years. It is time to break that pointless cycle and stop shielding myself from what I love.
This week I also learned by mistake I liked dancing. I have these NYC Ballet Dvd I have only did once or twice before and I love it. I know its not like a real dance class and more like fitness, but still. I love the gracefulness and poise dancers have. If I can, I plan on taking dance classes when I am back in Toronto and have reached my goal weight. For now I will just do my NYC Ballet and get more into Belly Dancing.
I think walking has also helped alot with clearing my mind and gaining me focus. Its my time to think and be at peace with myself. Its actually where I have come to most of my realizations. Likely cuase that hour is so meditiative for me, so that is likely a keeper to my new routine.
Anyway, overall I think these three things will help me refocus my life to something more fulfilling. Though I am always bad with homework habbits as that is what I am use to, I am glad I have a reason to be doing it now. It doesn’t feel so pointless now. It is now a climbing stone I must complete towards a goal. I can handle that. Doing it with a chance of no outcome for the cost? Not so much! Anyway, its a decent career (fincancially) so I know I will be worth the time and investment.
The challenge now it getting in! I really need to raise my grades (I am a average student, but I did bad one year for person reasons and I am still trying to replace those grades to get my GPA back its normal B/B plus range). I feel if I change my attitude towards school (by remember my goals and learning to set habbits accordingly) then I can do this. I can graduate with a good GPA.
I am also glad that it incoporates one of my goals for 2010 and that it to volunteer. I have lots of experience with children work wise, but volunteering always looks wonderful!
Anyway, so overall I am feeling really good about the year ahead now and a lot less lost. So, I guess its safe to say Step 2 is in motion to changing my life around. It won’t be easy, but I am excited. I know I can make life wonderful for myself if I just allow myself to and start believing I am worth it, and deserve it.
