stop apologizing for being somewhat of an introvert

I went to a work party yesterday at the house of a wonderful woman who cleans the lab for us. She is from Italy and put together the most beautiful Italian spread. She made eggplant parmasean, delicious pizza, homemade pasta and meatballs, fresh baked bread and wine that she and her husband make themselves. All of the fruit and vegetables she served were picked fresh from her garden, and even the chicken we ate was from her chicken coop that morning. Absolutely wonderful and it was great to experience how she puts a meal together.

The reason I put this entry here is that I was VERY shy through most of this event. I think my shyness ratchets up exponentially with the number of people I am around. I’m ok with just one, maybe two, but this party had about 20 or so and I had a difficult time opening my mouth (except to eat the food!).

All during the party I was uncomfortable about that and getting down on myself, but after I got home I thought about this goal. It’s OK that I am quiet! I’ve worked with most of these people for almost two years now, and I’m sure it wasn’t a shock to them that I was pretty quiet. They shouldn’t judge me for that either. I really need to keep working on this and keep remembering that some people are quiet and that’s not a bad thing.

i did it this time with no apology. nothing. there was a big party very near my house and everybody i knew was coming from across town. so that nobody could understand why i didnt want to be there. but for once, i wanted a quiet saturday night. so i ignored the texts, put the phone on silent and let me be me with no explanations. and the best part is, i frankly didnt care which i always doo!

really well with this for quite some time, and now all of the sudden I notice myself feeling downright awful about my quietness. What’s up with that? I need to be more consious of my negative self-talk and stop worrying so much. Being upset about being introverted has the nasty consequence of making you more introverted, which keeps the cycle going and going… It’s breaking that cycle that is key, and hopefully I’ll be able to do that soon.

My extrovert boyfriend is not making this easy. Sigh.

I went to my department’s Christmas party at work last night. I’ve been on vacation for this whole week, but I didn’t want to miss our party with the big pot luck dinner and Secret Santa. I was a little apprehensive before going – social situations like this always bring out my shyness. However, after getting there I realized that everyone seemed really excited to see me and it didn’t matter that I’m quiet. I tend to worry about how little I am talking and I don’t end up seeing that people seem to actually enjoy my company. It was a great moment of clarity, and I managed to open up and have a great time.

This goal is a tough one, but the rewards for succeeding are very sweet. :)

I have been fighting my shyness all my life. I got to point where I got really sick and tired of putting myself down for who I am, so when I feel like sitting alone or not talking as much as everyone else, so be it. I am me, and if you don’t like it, too bad!!!!

Particularly at work. I’m not the most talkative person – not by a long shot! But that’s ok. I’ve come to realize that people don’t look down on me because I’m quiet. And the less I worry about it, the more talkative I likewise become.

So… since the weather is warmer, I haven’t been sick, and I have established a healthy financial savings plan, I’ve felt more at liberty to go out and be social.

I have broken some of my boundaries, and actually asked a friend to lunch last weekend. Although the plans fell through, I feel like I am starting to get in a place where I can actually enjoy being social. It doesn’t mean every day, and it doesn’t mean that suddenly I’m an extrovert, but I have a firm understanding of what makes me social and anti-social. I recognize and model my action after my mood and my needs.

I don’t feel embarrassed, and I am not apologizing anymore.

I’m so over it.

First Night was fun… I wrote about that one.
The second night was ok, but seemed without much aim, except for a decent drag show. I like showing these unique women my support.

3rd night, obligatory. It wasn’t bad, but I kept wondering why we were bar hopping for a 32 year olds birthday, and didn’t go to the barbecue festival, or didn’t just go out for an early dinner. (I also hated that I had to miss the last 30 minutes of my brother’s soccer game… but at least he knew I was there for part of it.)

The people were alright, and I was fairly talkative and social… but I am so grateful that we get to spend all day on the couch today, catching up on those movies, eating, and maybe even taking a nap!

what a surprise. it’s been, oh six months? something about the weather maybe?

it was to celebrate the 21st birthday of one of Diane’s coworkers. I actually had fun. We were a group of eight people, at a dance club I would never go to by choice, and b/c we were there to make amanda feel like a princess, it seemed like there was a point. This is the kind of socializing that I understand. You don’t have to do it every weekend, and there is an end in sight. And, we actually made someone feel loved. I’m still amazed at how much I danced and how comfortable I felt… maybe b.c I felt so much older than 60% of the people in the club. made me realize how nice it is to not rely on that sort of environment for a sense of worth.