document funny goals that I come across

Ok.

So the job-hunt is heating up, the stress hasn’t come down any and there’s not enough hours in the day to eat, sleep, work, find new employment and breathe.

Something’s gotta give, eventually.

And, I’m trying to make sure that `something’ isn’t my mind. :)

I’m going to post what I can, continue trying to get by, use drawing as a stress reliever, as well as the goalposts, but the content is going to change a bit.

I can’t promise this to remain a daily thing, but I can promise it at least a few times a week.

God, what’s weird is that I’m writing this as though people actually care what content comes, but I know that at least SOME people care, because in that little `subscribed to you’ thing, the number is about 60 or so, last time I checked.

For those 60 or so who are interested, I’m actually working on refining some writing in a better format than just, oh, I dunno, generally poking fun at the world? Thanks to the encouragement of most of my friends on here and other folks, I’ve got this WEIRD notion in my head that, hey.. Other folks might be interested in reading some of it. :) Maybe something in book form, maybe some short stories, (the kat has even lent me two `bibles’ of screenplay writing, which is awesome..)

Anyway.

So, to summarize I guess. I’m gonna post more drawings, maybe even some more short stories, (life in Iraq, life growing up in the south, life in the UK, life everywhere..) as practice, maybe see what people think and less goalposts, etc.

I’m not exactly saying goodbye, but more, `I’m changing focus for a while.’

Sorry to disappoint anybody and thanks in advance for understanding.

(Oh and hey, look at the bright side.. You’ll get to read the stories about how I got fired from working at a porn site in Minneapolis, how my first girlfriend stalked the band-members of REM relentlessly, (and was subsequently arrested for it one day :) and what it was like to suffer through hating Americans… While being one, in the UK. :)

No list tonight either. Got busy at work, and dealing with some stuff at home.

Instead, I leave you my current work playlist, (it’s a short one, but it’s growing.)

The Walkmen – Red Moon
Okkervil River – Blue Tulip
The Walkmen – Donde esta la Playa
The Walkmen – Don’t Forget Me

Awwwww. I suck again. There is much suckage here. No goalpost, because I’m busy with some jobsearches, resume updating and all that jazz. (No, not fired, just really sick of where I work and the daily dose of crapola from there.)

More tomorrow, promise.

• Oil myself up with some good lube. – Well, YEEEHAW! Mamma? Get the pig! It’s gonna be one of THOSE nights!

• bAG OF tRICKS – No, really. Thanks, but I’m good. Enough tricks and bags and both of them combined to last me a lifetime. I will have a small glass of water though, as long as you’re offering stuff.

• swim with nurse and/or great white sharks – You just gotta be faster than the nurse, dude.

• Raid less – Penitent DEA officer or a pest exterminator considering a career change? You decide.

• help everyone…you know…the whole world. – Well shit, you can start by running out to the store and picking me up another box of biscuits. Seriously, that’ll help tonnes.

• to be the first – Yes, you can be the first to bring me tasty cookies. Whatever.

• eat cleaner – Hmm. This could go one of two ways. The first would be a grammatically challenged, possibly OCD dude and the second is a little self-destructive for my taste.

• drive south america – Crazy? Into the ground? Mad with lust?

• Get a car- I’m 18 and don’t have my license not because I dont want it but because I dont have a car to drive once I get one. –
  Dude, seriously. You could have stopped after “18” and we’d all be the better for it.

• Go on a road trip with no prredeunied destination – Wait, no “pred..”, “prrrred..”, “predefined”?, “predetermined”? What is it man? What are you trying to tell us, because this is NO TYPO. You are FAILING at communication.

• be excited by discoveries – Yeah, I totally know how it is. “Oh look, here’s another new fern they discovered in the rain forest. Woo.” and “Come on guys, don’t we have ENOUGH particles? Do we really need one more?”. When science meets apathy.

• buy my OWN home on my OWN terms – Right. You’re kinda discounting the fact that in a `supply and demand environment’, (such as this, actually), there’s a dude who wants something, (that’s you) and a dude who’s selling something, (that’s the guy with the house) and you’re gonna have to sort of.. You know, meet THE OTHER DUDE’s terms, namely the price and whatever other hoops he wants you to jump through. I dunno. Good luck executing this one.

• listen to the damned instincts! – Yeah! They’ve got a new album coming out in March!

• ride a horse to amsterdam and GET HIGH!!!! – I get everything but the “ride a horse to..” part. What on earth does this mean? Is it something I missed in my younger years? Does the act of riding an equine prior to the act of ingesting illicit substances ENHANCE the effects? Is this why all the farmer’s kids were gettin’ stoned where I grew up?

• be sith emperor – Hey, come on. You don’t wanna be THAT kid. Come on, you’ll never get picked for the basketball team if your face is all shriveled up, you’ve got a raspy voice and you’re always shooting lightning bolts from your fingertips.

• I want to go snorcaling – Lacking a dictionary or inventing an entirely new way to indicate snorkeling in southern California? You decide.

• Have a goat farm for cheeses, butter, milk & yogurt – Ok, so this isn’t that funny, but for some reason when I read this I immediately thought of that scene in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” when they’re making up Abby’s family history on the spot and it gets perpetuated that she comes from a goat cheese family in Europe and Noelle says, “Her cheese balls make excellent Christmas gifts!”. I dunno. Funny to me, it was.

• get my perment – My god, here’s another one. Your what? Your “permanent?”, like a “perm”.. A jerry-curl or something? Are you wishing a haircut? IF ONLY THEY WOULD COMMUNICATE CLEARLY, I COULD GIVE THEM ALL THE HAIR PRODUCTS THEY WISHED! Sob.

• DGD GF FD GDGD – Thank you for sharing the genetic sequence of a mole. I’m sure that we are all the smarter for it.

• get my linces – Ahha. Now I get it. You couldn’t get through the whole task of spelling “license”, so you moved onto “permit” above. You weren’t channeling Howie Mandel, were you.

• Go to a four year univercity – It’s like Northwestern, but.. As big as Aurora or something? (Technically, this would describe Palo Alto though.)

• go on a romantical 10 day vacation – I do not think that word means, what you think it means.

• be better at the footbag – Ah yes, “Footbag”. It’s like football but.. a lot more.. Slow. That and confusing because bags are attached to the players’ feet.

• Raft the Mississippi on a homemade raft – Okay there, Huck Finn. How about you transport yourself out of Samuel-Clemens-world and get your ass back onto the mop. We got a cleanup in aisle nine.

• become a singer badly – Poor choice of word placement there. It just makes me think of, “Through a glass, darkly.”

• LIIIIIIIIIIVE – From New York, it’s Saturday Night?

• doctor magic – Paging Doctor Magic, Doctor Voodoo requires you in the ER.

• uhhhh GED. – This goal needs nothing else. It is perfection, alone.

Here, enjoy some good music. Songs: Ohia’s `Farewell Transmission’ It’s so damn good, I thought that I’d put it in a goalpost, that’s how good it is.

(Neat trivia about Jason Molina of `Songs: Ohia’, he down-tunes his guitar to match his vocal range. Surely this must drive people nuts, who try to learn his songs. Like me, for instance.)

• crzy frog – Damn that crazy frog! He so CRAZEEE! He just a CRAZY-FROG!

• t-pain – it’s like t-mobile, but.. err.. ok, never mind it’s JUST like t-mobile. That or it’s a rapper whose gimmick is to punch himself in the nuts every few stanzas.

• stop comparing myself with people – ...and start comparing myself to ROBOTS! Or CROUTONS!

• Attend a shareholder mtg at Oracle Corp – Dude, I can save you the trouble. It’d be like this; “Blah, blah, I’m Larry Ellison, lookit my great big plane, my plane, my beautiful humpin’ plane, I am better than all of you, bring me the head of Steve Jobs on a silver platter, blah, blah, Larry, blah, plane.”

• Achieve my doubts – I originally read and pasted it, thinking it said, “achieve my doughnuts” and thought, “Oh man, my favorite of the day.” Alas, it was not to be so. That being said however, it DOES give me an idea for a goal..

• get serious with the guitar – Arrrr, yes. The musics. It is serious business. Not for fun at all. No fun. None! You cannot have.

• i move closely with my friends – and we call it DANCIN!

• Stop holding things in – I highly suggest you exempt your bladder from this, at the very least when in public.

• drink clean water – Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk… ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream.

• make people answerable to me – The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers? (Sorry, I’m not gonna put on one of those damned `Return of the Jedi’ Leia outfits to complete this joke, so you can just get that image right out of your mind.)

• Staple things to my bosses head if he doesn’t stop being complete control freak & taking the biscuit…..I want so called friends to start returning favors & begin to realise hoyself how much I actually put myself out to make them happy…i feel like im g – you had me at, “staple things to my bosses head..” Now come and kiss me with the passion of a thousand white-hot fiery suns, you sexy office supply mangler, you!

• Manifest million dollars – Just on the off-chance that this guy was onto something, I stood in the middle of my office, between both of my guest chairs and chanted, “Million dollars! Million dollars! Million dollars!” and the only goddamn thing that I was able to “manifest” was two curious co-workers and one disinterested but amused mail room girl who looked like she wanted to join in with the fun, but didn’t quite get the joke. Guess the joke’s on me, eh smart guy?

• Fall in love (the good kind of love) – As opposed to, “forbidden monkey-fucking; the love that exists between animal and man”, or “my gentleman caller; one woman’s story of her love affair with a public telephone booth.”

• Learn to run, and enjoy it – I suggest a career of purse-snatching? Good exercise AND it pays relatively well?

• stop displacing my anima and read more Jung – I TOTALLY agree, you need to stop displacing animals and shakin’ your jugs all around, everywhere. Sheesh, it’s like someone’s got a zoo-fetish or something. Oh, and cut out the 2nd year psyche student talk!

• hangin on to jj – ...and he’s drivin’ real fast, and he won’t slow down. Fuck you, jj! Let me the fuck outta this Geo Metro!!

• Make him smile…. Again – Perform dubious amounts of oral sex…. Again.

• grenn day – It’s like, “Green Day”, starring Grendel?

• Hold someone I love in front of a fire in a cabin in the winter – Sorry, but this immediately bring to my mind a picture of you doing that and screaming, “Now tell me where you hid the microfilm, you bastard, or it’s BACK INTO THE SNOW AGAIN! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? ANOTHER SNOW ENEMA??!!” (Christ, I’m weird.)

• One Bag in the Morning, One in the Evening Until I’m Done – Ooookay there, smokey mc smoke-smoke. Whatever floats your bong I guess.

• manafest – It’s like a goddamn festival! A goddamn festival OF BREAD!

• see the world like my dog does – It would be a lot like this, “Can I eat it? No, damn. Can I eat it? No, damn. Can I eat it? No, damn. Can I eat it? No, damn. Wait, can I pee on it? No, damn. Can I eat it? YES! WOOO! Wait, what does your butt smell like? SWEET! Can I eat it? No, damn.”

Finally. A real goalpost. Well hallelujah, will wonders never cease. :)

• see if I can resuscitate the third smelly rose – Your shit, it smells like roses? (Come on, that goal is so surreal, I’ve got no idea what in the fuck to say. It kinda speaks for itself.)

• learn to handle it all. – Dude, if you learn this.. I will pay you to mentor me.

• Let You Know That I Exist – Mmmmmmm… No. Sorry, Nyahh, nyahh, I can’t SEE you. You don’t EXIST to me. (Suddenly, I’m magically transported back to 1988 and I’m screwing with my little bro.)

• create my robot – Here we go. Another mad scientist takes to the skies.

• Create the Green Team Hug a Tree Campaign. – I am so sick of these greenwashed people. Let me guess, when you go hug a tree, you’re gonna drive there in your BIG-ASSED SUV? (And for the record, I myself drive a big-assed SUV, but I don’t go around gallivanting off to tree-huggin’ bullshit sex-in-the-city, desperate-housewives gatherings.) Mostly I drive myself to Micky D’s and pick up some tasty french fries.

• you miss me – No, I miss the way you’d make a martini. Other than that, don’t really miss you much at all. Oh, and your titties. I miss those too, but more so, the magical things you could do with gin and vermouth. The titties were like a 6 or seven out of ten. The drinks, perfect nine.

• move out of Jersey – This is, without doubt, the best goal I’ve seen in a month. HELL, in a year. Everyone in New Jersey should have this goal. Of course, were that to become a reality, we’d also see a lot of these goals popping up shortly thereafter, “Get all these bridge-and-tunnel losers the FUCK outta NYC.” And I’d understand.

• watch my wife with another guy – That’s… Odd. Then again, how much are we talking about here? I mean, come on. Everything’s negotiable.

• superstar of the world – Not you. Especially if you’re the guy who wants to watch his wife get hammered by somebody else. Some free advice? Get the fuck out of Jersey.

• Remind myself he doesn’t deserve me and is a cheat and a low life liar every time he pops into my head till I believe it. Also, if I went back to him, I might miss out on someone so much better (yeah right, dream on!) – This was an interesting goal. Everything was going fine up until the point where they deviated with, `Yeah right, dream on!’ indicating that EVERYTHING before that had just become null and void. Sure, it could be an English error, a misplaced contextual reference or something, but.. What if it wasn’t?

• prevent forrest fires (only you can) – Prevent spelling errors, (only you can.) Thanks smokey. Get a goddamn dictionary.

• find a contraceptive that doesnt make me angry – ARRRRR! TROJANS MAKE HULK ANGRRRRRRRRY!!!

• sick talk ( when ur home sick ) – Looking for an example? First, tilt your head back and pour water into your nostrils, (no, really, it’s ok! It’s like.. waterboarding, actually.) Next, cough three HUGE coughs. Finally, call your best friend. That’s what “sicktalk” sounds like. Either that, or it’s you whispering into the phone, “Yeah, and that’s my fantasy.. You, your brother and a monkey. No, the monkey wears the strap-on. Why? I dunno, because it’ll be fun to be monkey-fucked?”

• Learn to cook / cook more – Once I learned how to cook, I did. I never did progress into the slash-cook-more though, I was too afraid to push that envelope.

• Janitorial Services – You are the eyes and ears of this institution, my friend?

• figure out the real reason people would vote for McCain – He has a shitload of partisan connections. That, and, well shit. He looks presidential.

• tab – Worst softdrink ever.

• have a baby. actually, 4 babies – Holy shit! I’ve never actually seen anyone aspire to trailerparkdom before! Soooo, school was a little too hard? Decided you didn’t really want that career? What’s that you say? Your husband is a longshore fisherman who also sits on the board of directors of an oil and gas company? Aww yeah. I get it.

• holiday in eqypt – Uhh.. It’s a holiday in egypt, where everyone wears black? It’s a holiday in egypt, where you’ll kiss ass or crack?

• stay married a long time – YEAH! Not like.. FOREVER, but just a “long time”. Like, maybe 6 years or something. Until you get your second lexus at least.

• Calm down befor I collaps – You’re already losing keyboard capability. It’s either the coke or the coffee that’s gotta go, mate.

• Open someones eyes to how much fun it is to be really odd – Psst, wanna know something? Those poor people who you refer to as “geeks” and “nerds”? They don’t exactly get that choice to make, so they’re pretty much gonna hate you.

• i like too meet you – Sorry, I don’t meet anyone who doesn’t have the “two/too/to” thing figured out. Unless of course, you can make a good martini.. Orrrr….

• Make someone think they have shrunk overnight – OMG, actually that would be a GREAT practical joke. Shorten their heels, get one size larger clothes, shoes, etc. It could be done. It’d have to be well-coordinated, but it could be done.

• MASTER WHICHCRAFT – WHATCRAFT? THATCRAFT! WHOSECRAFT? THATCRAFT!

• buy a smaller hand gun!!!!!!! – `Cause the bigger one keeps falling out of my pants, when I’m jogging around the park! Daddy! Get me one now! I want that one!

• I want to be a professional drifter – Sooooo, basically `homeless’. You want to be a homeless dude that bugs the shit out of me downtown and at stoplights. Unless you buy a smaller handgun, in which case you’ll be, `soon to be arrested professional drifter’.

• Find the guy willing to fix it – Yeah. That’s not me. Shit, I’m the guy who broke it.

• Take classes at the CIA – I don’t think that the Central Intelligence Agengy has like.. An adult continuing education program or anything like that. Although it would be kinda cool.. “Dead-drops for mom’s on the go!”, “Now that you’ve reached retirement age, you’re considering toppling foreign governments as a hobby!” and “Thinking about a career change? Have you considered handling agents in Morocco?”

• I want Andrew back – No, he’s my brother and you can’t have him.

• Loose weight and build mussels by working out – YEAH! In a creamy white wine sauce… Mmmmmm..

Hmmmm. Probably not one tonight either. Working through some stuff at home.

Oh geez. Busy today at work and tonight, I need to take a look at a busted-ass window in the apartment. Prolly no goalpost today. Ah well. There’s always tomorrow.

:)

• pass my permit test…again – The “again” scares me here.

• how do i levae a message – You.. Uhh… Wait for the beep?

• meet another wolf – Yeah, cause the first one, man! He was all yappin’ on and on about his uncle, the one with the money problems in Austin? Dude, that wolf was a complete freakin’ bore. Goin’ on about his sister’s kid and her problems, and then that story about when the cops showed up and arrested the drunk father? Man alive, I thought he was gonna hit you up for $20 or some shit.

• to go on line and beat the snot out of some one – Another internet tough guy. Although, the concept of digital snot IS interesting..

• Find a second wife – ...Lost the first one in the produce section at King Soopers?

• become catman – Naaa, nanananananana, catmannnnn! (It’s like batman, but he’s more apathetic and he pees on the couch. Actually, that sounds a lot like I guy I was stationed with in England.)

• list things that make me laugh out loud!! – Hehehehehe.

• Not hate my daughters father – What a complicated way to say, `Get along with my ex-husband’.

• Organise a beatles marathon – Dude. Do you really need a goal for this? It’s like.. What, itunes, Beatles, party playlist and a six-pack of beer?

• spacecake break at the Titicaca lake – Somewhere, this is funny to someone. It’s not me though.

• what can i write about my self – All sorts of shit, to be honest. Just keep it above the belt and don’t go into your bodily functions and you’ll be just fine.

• Decide if I will take class this semester – On the “graduate in 10-13 years” plan are we?

• Meet more Vampires like me. – Sigh. I hope that when I get old, these folks aren’t going to be taking care of me in the rest home.

• to learn spanish,lose weight a little bit – Is that.. Like a requirement?

• spend one night a week with my gram – Cool. Tryin’ to cut down on the drugs. That’s awesome.

• secretly plant 100 apple trees in my city – Isn’t that like, really, really bad for the environment? (Actually, I just asked someone in our City Planning/Ecology group who designs stuff like this. Her response was pretty much, `Doing something like that, would add variables into a delicately balanced equation and do damage that would possibly persist for years and years, result in re-planting, sewer and water line problems and possibly road destruction. Sounds like a real moron.’

• fix up herb garden – Hippiecode for “hide the goddamn plants man, the crazy cop neighbor is gonna catch us!”

• like a job for longer than 2 years – Ok, maybe it’s just me, but have you considered the fact that you might be in the wrong career, or that you may have.. Uhh.. Personality issues?

• 2000 $/day Website – ...Involves a LOTTA nekkid titties?

• set up weights set – ...up.. weights set, up weights set.. up.. weight, HELP ME! I CAN’T STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!

• join the Peace Boat – Is that anything like the Love Boat?

• To read a book,,hike and fight ebay about choices – DAMN! Pretty ambitious of you. If I see you on the trail, bluetooth device firmly planted in your ear, screaming at ebay customer support and a novel clutched in your right hand, I’ll be sure to not bother you.

• Break the deuce, and keep it broken – I thought it was, `drop the deuce’? Like, off at the pool or something? Wait, I’m screwing this up.

• Take my wife to see her first desert – Ok honey, now that’s a rock. Yeah. Pretty neat, hunh? Yeah, I know. They’re like, all OVER the place here. And those little things, those are cacti. Ah, and that thing on the ground, we call that a rattlesnake. No, don’t pick it up.. Aw crap. Ok, next goal. “Take my wife to see her first emergency room.”

• be justified – That’s just a little unhealthy, don’t you think? Try instead, “Not require anyone else to justify me and act responsibly. “

• Join YoVille – Is this where the “YO” Army is staging out of?

• i am reading – While hiking? And on the phone with Ebay?

• stop thinking inside this box – ...If only I could start thinking inside this OCTAGON. Or maybe even this DODECAHEDRON! Damn these constraints!

• Stupid love – And another recent breakup victim speaks out.

• get eaten out by a dog – HEYO! Welcome to all the weird-assed-fetish folks who have just joined us.

• think like a kid all my life – Funny, and here I thought that was what was wrong with a majority of the population with the, “Me me me!” thing.

• not go to our drown proofing feild-trip in front of 300 fith graders – I’m interpreting this as, `Don’t drown in front of my students’, and man, that’s an awesome goal. I support you fully on this.

• Hablas espagnol? SI!!! – Lo que en la cogida es “espangol?” Is that like, “Do I speak spagetti? YES, I DO!”

• Start a line of Cardigans – Or! Even better… Start a CONGA-LINE of Cardigans! YEAH!

• Have something special to celebrate each year, month, week & day !!! – I do something like this, it’s called, “Celebrate every day that a rock hasn’t fallen out of the sky, onto my head and killed me.” in addition to, “Celebrate every day I haven’t been killed by eating poorly prepared blowfish”, also including, “Celebrate every day I haven’t been killed by a time traveler from the future materalizing exactly where I happen to be at that very moment.” (And people wonder why I go to therapy.)

• make peace with my seriously obnoxious neighbour. Seriously. – Maybe you should sprinkle your yard with Burmese tiger traps instead. Seriously.

• Show people how to find meaning in their lives by creating non-profit organizations that helps people in need – Wait, ok, lemme get this straight. Basically, create a shitload of little tiny tax-dodges. That’s pretty much it, right? A buncha little tax dodges.

• BE WITH THE HOTTEST GUY IN SCHOOL – Like, OMG. We’re talkin’ full-on football player party date-rape kinda “be with” aren’t we?

• lingo – No, RINGO!