randomly write whatever comes to mind

he passed from this world 6/29/08…exactly 21 yrs after my paternal grandmother…
2 birthdays done in by a loved ones passing

driving home today, around 4:30ish, i saw a deer jump a fence & start to head for the road…i was terrified i might hit & injure the deer…not concerned about myself or my little pumpkin-car…just didn’t want the deer to get hurt…it turned around & jumped back over the fence as i passed it (i wouldn’t have been able tostop in time, so i was grateful)
pretty doe

what goes around comes around times 3…
when am i going to get my 3 for all the crap i’ve had to endure? when’s it my turn to get all the good things in life that i’ve been working my butt off for?

the other day, this guy shows up (on the other side of the tracks so there was tracks & a fence between where he was & where we were waiting) with a little boy…the little boy was so excited! he was such a cutie in his little Thomas the Tank t-shirt, jumping up & down, waiting to see his first real-life train!
that little boy made so many people smile that morning!!!
if i knew who the guys was i’d thank him for making my day

a question if you aren’t going to listen to the freakin answer!!!!!!!
too many times you’ve interrupted me mid-sentence when i’m trying to tell you something…when you do that i feel like i’m not important to you & what i have to say doesn’t mean jack to you! then you wonder what’s wrong?? you ask why i’m so quiet??? why should i say anything if you don’t listen?
i’ve told you how it makes me feel! i’ve told you so many times! i’m done telling you!
now you can get used to the silence, because i’m not saying anything anymore. why should i waste my breath?
i try to explain to you what’s going on in my head, how i’m feeling, try to get a little feedback from you…instead i get interrupted & cut off
to hell with your friggin sports!!!!
i’m not in a good place right now & am trying to get out of it, but your actions make it very difficult to justify my life
i’m so stressed out between looking for a new job, this stupid house, my ridiculous family & their ignorance, trying to help my friend get her license, & i can’t even talk to you!
forget it! forget everything!!! go play your sports games, listen to your music, & staying locked in your own friggin world! maybe that’ll keep you warm at night

i absolutely HATE when people try to make me feel obligated to put MY LIFE on hold for someone else’s gain…i’m seriously contemplating telling my whole family to go screw!!!!!
if you have NO CLUE what the situation is in this building that is supposedly a house, then shut up & leave me alone!!!!!! you mean well, yes, however you’re completely clueless about what NEEDS to be done here!
yeah, we moved in here over 6 years ago with the intent of buying this place (when we were still naive enough to think it was fixable) & tried 2 yrs ago…but because dad didn’t like who we were going through for OUR mortgage, he refused to sell it to us…now he’s gotten himself in a position where it’s either sell it or lose it…go ahead, lose it! less stress & headaches & hassles for me!!!!!! he did it to himself, just like with his eye & his leg!
now, i know that sounds like such a horrid thing to say…IT’S THE TRUTH! he waited too long to have the cataract surgery, so now he’s blind in 1 eye…he kept procrastinating about the issues with his leg (and circulation) until there was no choice but to amputate his leg (or let him die)...so he did it to himself!!!!!
i’ve been here the whole friggin time, dealing with him & you aren’t here…you’re in your nice, up to code, house…it’s so much easier to see it from your view isn’t it? because YOU DON’T LIVE HERE YOU DON’T LIVE IN THESE CONDITIONS SO DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I’M OVERREACTING WHEN I SAYEVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE REPLACED!!!!!!
it’s not as simple as “replacing the fixtures”! you don’t even know what we know about this death-trap health hazard house! you have no idea! dad says “it just needs paint”...sure it does, and up to code plumbing, heating, & electricity. the ROTTEN wood needs to be replaced!!!!
GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS!!!
i don’t want this house or the nightmares that come with it! i KNOW what has & hasn’t been done through the years: no basic maintenance, no keeping UP TO CODE…just the minimum repairs to keep it going…you know, a little duct tape here, some electrical tape there, let’s tap into yet another overloaded circuit & call it “Okay”
you say “it’s a good deal”. if you think it’s such a “good deal” then YOU BUY IT! I DON’T WANT IT & YOU KNOW THIS!!!! you’ve known it for over a year!
i even told you again yesterday that the ONLY reason i’m still here is because i feel OBLIGATED to stay & you still don’t get it!
i know he has no money coming in! I LIVE HERE!
as i told you, he KNEW about all these things that are broken, screwed up, leaking, and out of code when we moved in & he was still working.
when he retired, he talked about getting his stupid freaking rider mower…we told him not to waste his money, we prefer to use a reel mower. we suggested some repairs to the house (like the leaky roof he’s known about for LONGER than 6 years) he bought the stupid thing anyways
he wanted to get a snowthrower, we told him not to bother, we prefer shovels. again, suggested necessary repairs to the house (like the deck that was poorly built with poor materials, that i refuse to use because it isn’t safe & that’s supposed to be our emergency exit?). again, he didn’t listen & bought another stupid toy to rot in the barn…and now it’s our problem to figure out how he’s supposed to get it to your house…he had a driveway put in (he didn’t even listen to the contractor when he was told the way dad wanted it wouldn’t look right…the contractor was right & it looks stupid!) & bought a fence that WE installed with some really great friends…
so until you live here & know for a fact what this place needs to keep standing, stay out of it! don’t tell me what it does or doesn’t need.
yeah, we could buy it & then just wait for him to die, but that could be 20 yrs from now.
you say you don’t want us to be “stuck”, well gess what! if we buy this place, we ARE stuck for LIFE!!!
if we buy this, we can kiss any dreams about enjoying life goodbye because this house SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF IT’S OWNERS!!!!
grrrrr

this is going to stop! i’ve had more than enough of your games!
for all the people that i know that have been using guilt to manipulate me, know this is the LAST time i will allow it!
i’m too nice for my own damn good & the fact that you to use that against me to get what YOU want without any regard to any concerns or misgivings that i’ve expressed is wrong on so many levels!!!!! it’s selfish & manipulative & you make me sick!
i’m so angry right now i could cry! how dare you put me in this predicament! how dare you make me feel guilty for not wanting to do something that i don’t feel is in MY best interests!!! don’t you ever, for a second, even try to make me feel obligated to do something again! i won’t allow it!!!! NO MORE!!!
i’ve had it with you & your screwed up head-games!
i’ll do this one last thing for you ONLY because you’ve guilted me into it & not because i want to do it…
that’s not what family or true friends do! if you really care about someone you wouldn’t manipulate them like that…
yeah, i know you can’t manipulate or take advantage of someone if they don’t let you & i’ve let you get away with it for too long…things are changing now! I REFUSE TO ALLOW IT ANYMORE!!!!! i’m done with it & done with you.
don’t try to act like i’m the one throwing this relationship away. you did it, not me. i’m not the one that uses a family member’s or friend’s emotions to get my way. i’m not the one making you feel obligated into doing something you don’t want to do. this is your own doing!
when it’s all said & done & the dust settles you’ll see it’s all your own fault!!!
don’t even try to blame me or anyone else because YOU decided to do what you’ve done. don’t even think about it! take responsibility for yourself & your own actions for once in your miserable life!
that’s right! i said it! you are miserable! anyone that knows you knows this. it sucks, that’s true. however, only you can make yourself or your life better. stop blaming everyone else for YOUR misery! look in the mirror! if you don’t like what you see, then make changes to yourself & your perceptions! don’t be so quick to judge other people or their actions!
grow up!!!!!!!! you’re older than i am, yet not nearly as mature! go figure…maybe a big part of it is i’m prepared to deal with the results of my own actions & take responsibility for what i do, i don’t blame others for my shortcomings. grow up, get over yourself, & move on.
after this final manipulation, don’t ask me for anything because i won’t do it…

YAY!!!! hubby got a new car today!!!! she’s beautiful!!!
dark metallic blue Ion3 Quad Coupe! he has auto-dimming rearview too (i wanted that dammit! lol) but it’s a sweet little car & suits him quite nicely!

1993 or 1992 was the year this started. Don’t remember when he moved to Kodiak from Bethel. Maybe early ‘94? Lost touch.

Paul Alexander, where are you?

i wake up in the middle of the night feeling blue…i don’t know why…i sigh, roll over & try to get back to sleep yet it evades me until about an hour before the alarm goes off…when this happens, i want to get out of bed & lay down in the living room but i know of i get out of bed, it’ll wake hubby up…he could be sound asleep & not respond to me saying his name, but the second i get out of bed…he’s awake! lol i can’t figure that part out…shrug oh well…
my hands are wicked dry & it doesn’t seem to matter how much moisturizer i use…it just isn’t doing anything…i’ve increased my water intake hoping that’ll help but it hasn’t yet…
i feel old for my age…i’m not yet 33 & i feel more like 3000 yr old! somedays more so than others but still…
i miss my Biddie so much. i still cry for her daily. it’s been almost a year since we had to let her go to Rainbow Bridge, but i miss her so. i can’t even begin to explain the special connection i had with her. i think i’ll always mourn her…
kittens are silly little creatures & if i had a HUGE house & safe yard i would have too many kitties & maybe a couple dogs too…
somedays, i’m happy with how i look…most times i think i’m too pale or look too old or have dark circles under my eyes…i have some serious self-esteem issues that noone else knows about. not even hubby. there are some things i keep only to me. every once in a while, i’ll let someone get a glimpse into my mind but that’s it…just a quick glimpse & it’s nowhere near long enough or enough info for anyone to make any sense of it…i know all too well why i am the way i am. i just don’t know what i’m meant to be or do & that’s very disheartening…
but i keep plugging away & put thatsmile on every day, even when i reall just want to hide & cry…
sometimes it’s just too overwhelming for me to be anywhere but here in my cozy little apt with my sweet, silly kitties…