Grow Girl-balls

I have recovered. I am optimistic about the future and I have no doubt that I’m going to find an interesting job working with people that I like and who value what I do.

It really helped bumping into someone that I know who’s a Buddhist. She said to me that not only am I going to find a better job for me, but instead of just going from one job to the next like people normally do, I’m being paid extra money to do it. That’s one way of looking at it I guess and considering I’ve been given a favourable notice period and I don’t have to work it (as well as redundancy pay) it’s the way that’s working for me right now!

The chances of me growing girl-balls are minimal right now. I have been doing my best to hold it together at work and appear “normal” since it is all still a secret but yesterday I just stayed in my bed and cried all day. I’m sure it will all be okay eventually but right now it all feels hopeless. People will get sick of me soon. I’m sick of myself.

I’ve been made redundant.

I feel like I gave them my blood, sweat and tears and they have just have just kicked me in the teeth. I’ve calmed down a lot. I think financially I’ll be a lot better off working elsewhere but it came as a big shock. I’ve never been made redundant before. Even worse, I’m the only one in the organisation. How can I not take it personally.

I’ve got a new theory. It came to me in the bath like all the best ideas too. Even better it means I get to continue working with my current boss as well as the business manager – but in a whole new team. It’s not as crazy as it sounds because my current boss has been being groomed for bigger things by the CEO. I still think it means a promotion for me.

It’s so much fun to predict things that may or may not be correct!!

This morning I received a meeting request to meet with my CEO and HR on Monday to talk about “the development of business planning & strategy”. The CEO and HR? With that particular combination I’m optimistically thinking it’s a discussion about a change of role especially considering the Business Planning Manager has had a lot of time off recently and this isn’t likely to change in a hurry. My feeling is they might want me to work with her to make sure things get done since things are probably not on track and that since the CEO is involved that this will probably mean a promotion. Well that’s what I’m hoping… But what if it’s not?! wahhhhh! Think positive PM!! _{even though the decision has already been made and all I’m waiting to do is find out about it!}

Remove all becoming, you are Being.
Becoming is effort, Being is not effort.
You are always That so be like the breeze
that is attached to neither the garbage nor
the garden that it blows over.
-Papaji

Someone reminded me that I already have imaginary girl-balls. Knocking this one off the list.. :)

“girl balls”.

I feel like crying right now. I was the top salesperson last month & I was expecting a really fat commission, but because I have integrity & gave everyone the lowest possible price & because I let every rich asshole get a discount just because he demanded it, (always asked my boss first, of course) my commission is going to be much, much smaller than what I was expecting. Much.

I took abuse, people! Verbal abuse. From a tacky redneck in Pasa-get-down-dena! Eff that S! He drives a lamborghini (sp?) and he treated me like dirt for a lower price. Just regarding that one job (and I spent hours with this rude man.. also, everytime I was there he was drunk).. if he hadn’t received any discounts at all, my commission would have been a little over $9000, but because I let him run things and get whatever he wanted (just because he demanded it), my commission for that job is only going to be around $2000. You can’t go to a store and throw a fit & say “This tag says it’s $300, but I’m only going to pay $50”. NO. Doesn’t work that way!

I’m going to be growing some imaginary girl-balls. and giving everyone some serious mark-ups.

First of all, thank you so much for all your well wishes! I love 43t for this reason. This is such a supportive community. So much more than in real life it seems sometimes:)

As I suspected, we only concentrated on my actual job performance not remuneration. But when I read my manager’s comments, I can’t see how I could not be recommended for a pay increase of some sort. The appraisal was overwhelmingly positive but also quite fair. There are 2 negative comments. One is that I would have benefited from not volunteering to have undertaken so much of the work and the other is that I misinterpreted criticism of the document as a criticism of my work and was visible in my reactions (and I need to manage those reactions in the future). A very fair assessment.

The remuneration talks between the CEO and the GMs happen next week and I don’t know if I can have any influence over that process. It doesn’t seem as though I can present a case and my manager is not even sure if I’m on a salary band. Please continue to keep your fingers crossed for me while I go through this very weird process:)

is tomorrow. Wish me luck people! Although like I say, this step is okay. My manager is on my side and he’s not the one who makes the $$ decisions. It’s the next layer up and he has “favourites”. I’m not one I’m afraid.

so I’m going to.

My first opportunity will be next week when I plead my case for a decent pay rise. While sadly the person I present my evidence to is already on my side and does not actually make the actual decision, I’m confident he’ll be able to do the same in terms of positioning me to get what I deserve.

Grow Girl-balls Grow!!!