I’ve made a conscious effort for over a decade now to stay away from the word faith. I’d never say I had faith, in anything…But over the years in dire straights (like the slow death of a family friend), I find myself praying and hoping and simply knowing that everything will be all right. Now reflecting, I’d say that “knowing everything will be all right” is faith… the thing I shy from. Yet, the last few days I’ve given into the temptation of a fictitious knowledge of happily ever after if for nothing else than to get me through a rough period in my life… and it’s working. So, how mentally sound is it I wonder?... As all the ails in my life are being neatly packaged into a perfect ending that I contrive from every desire I can imagine… am I going insane by actually believing what I make up? To give a little perspective, I looked back into the history of my daydreams and I recalled a time when I was incredibly lonely and I imagined a certain type of guy, with a certain type of car, and a certain type of job (it was a daydream, I can be shallow!)... and what do you know, I actually met this man (despite the fact that I’d never met anyone like him before) and I fell in love with him and we were together for exactly the amount of time that I imagined… but what I also imagined was that he broke my heart and I was horribly sad… but it had to happen so as to clear the way so I could meet the next guy… who I so clearly fantasized. He also had a particular way about him and I cringe at the thought of what I once desired :P But… now in my heartbroken (over the latter guy) state… did I get what I had faith for? Will the blind faith I’m manifesting now manifest when I least expect it. Is faith delayed? Another version of the old cliche, be careful what you wish for? 7 years ago
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www.mormon.org/jesus-christ Faith in Jesus Christ is more than believing - it's a source of power…
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Once upon a time I made a concious effort to keep all forseeably negative things out of my life. This wasn’t just people, it was anything and everything in existance. I read the book Anger and while it was more extreme than I was willing to live my life, I was like, this is what I am talking about. Someone has put into words my own private mantra. There is energy in everything and it will get to you. Somewhere along the way of living with someone who is completely unspiritual/religious/anything at all, I started seeing everything as it appears to be and forgot the inherant nature of objects. So, once again I’m trying to be more mindful. Everything animate, inanimate has a history and with that an energy… I’m just trying to be aware. 7 years ago
For the last two days I’ve been meditating before I sleep. I find that this is the easiest and best time to do it and I like how the meditation affects my dreams. The other night I dreamt about grapes. A perfect plump light purple grape was present in my mind as I awoke and I likened it to a person who is fully alive/substantial/present in their own lives. I took it as a sign of what I aspire for, considering myself a raisin or somewhere in between a raisin and a grape. Later in the day I went down to the cafeteria and just as I walk by the buffet the man behind the counter puts a full vine of grapes on a sheet of ice. I asked if I could have it and he said no, it was just a garnish. I made a half sarcastic remark about how it would be better eaten than not and he gave it to me. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve seen a grape. Weird, I know… but since I moved into a dorm I only see cafeteria food. Anyway, I ate them. They were good… but I wonder if I saw the grapes as a premonition… I certainly would not have asked for them if I hadn’t dreamt about them. 7 years ago
I am in a strange city, completely aware of how alone I am, desperately wanting what I cannot have… moved to complete stagnation by my own self pity/loathing/awareness… I am losing hope in everything and everyone…I’m losing control of my place in this world. My family, my ex, and my faith centered me… and I’ve lost them all recently. So, in complete repose I am giving myself over to what my mother held me up with when I was a child. My brother and I fell out of our beliefs as we grew out of childhood and felt the burden of our beliefs… we already were alienated, we tried to conform. He recently went back to what I call, Our Way (simply because everything that we practice cannot be found in a singular book), and the world has opened for him. My mother recently saw him and said that he is the best she has ever seen him. So… I follow suit, I cannot deny what I believe because I fear alienation… I’m already alienated… and I need help right now. 7 years ago