Manage life having been raped

well, it’s not controlling me anymore. it’s not at the top of my mind. I don’t want to tell everyone I see, I have no urges to delve into that matter. I haven’t beaten it, I’m not fixed, things havent been resolved and there is so much more to come.. but as fr as I can see, what happened when I was a kid shouldn’t close any doors for me from here on in.

Let’s just call this done, shall we?

you know.. I’m living a life, and it’s only getting better. What happened when I was a kid is not going to ruin me . . maybe never going to ruin me. I’ve just realized that . .

shit, am I free?!

I’ve been up and down.. the group therapy is coming to a close in a couple of weeks. I feel as though I’m coming to another crisis (had a complete break down about a month ago). . some of it’s got to be the pms but I’ve been going downhill for a few weeks.

I just don’t know what to do. . realized I want love but no sex . .and how is one supposed to find that? Everybody wants sex it seems . . I just can’t deal with it. I want some support. someone who loves me best . . It’s been a really long time since I felt I was anyone favorite (and looking back, I’m not so sure) . . like 9 years? it was the father . .it wasn’t for long.. maybe a year and a half? out of my whole life. .it’s just not fair.

I just don’t know what to do or why I would do anything. . . why bother. why doesn’t anybody want me more? . .why are they all drifting away . .?

so. The shit is hitting the fan? Am enjoying high anxiety, massive depression, the occasional anxiety attack and or hallucination, and very little support!!
fortunately my group therapy sessions have started up again,so this will offer some relief.
yay mental illness!!

right now I’m doing a big denial phase. Sort of. I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to cry anymore, so I’m just not letting it come out from deep under my subconsious. It’s not even in my dreams anymore, I’m having nightmare about ending up living with my father again.. he was such an asshole. That’s pretty much my biggest fear in life, which is stupid because I would live on the streets before I moved back in with him, so obviously it’s never going to happen.. seeing as it’s all in my control.
I guess it’s about time my brian too a bit of a break. .it HAS been torturing my for a good two years.

well, still going to councelling, now attending a weekly womans group.. and things are flowing quite nicely. I’ve had a ltitle pause in the memories, thank you I need that onc eina while, and I’m accomplishing alot of things right now.

ohh they are tumbling back.. at a rate never seen before but ever soo slowly.. something valid every couple of weeks.. I’m anxious for the new one. they aren’t so bad.

the dreams are worse, because they wake me up.

ugh big fuss. more curve balls with legality and records.. apperantly they only awarded emily 24 hours, and I got the same amount. God knows why the letter we got clearly stated 40 hours. Juck fuck. so I’ve got to go bakc and see marji..ughh

Trav lent me a book on “healing for women survivors of sexual abuse”.. and wow is it helpful.. so many memories.. not of the abuse but the rest of my life.. is coming back. and it’s been such a clear confirmation . .

who is in charge of crossing out parts of my enteries!!?? You guys so far have crossed out my self-pep-talk as well as my reasoning to do wha tIhave set out to do!! wtf?!

anyhoo.

The letter to the governor soliciter has been sent, as of yesterday. so I can expect to hear from them in about a month and a half, to see if I have gotten any more hours.. I’m thinking I will get them.. I just can’t see why not. My sister said what hapened to me, and apperantly it was pretty damn awful.
This is well worth it. A session can cost over a hundred dollars easily.and I’m going to have to be paying for this for a number of years.. This is at least goign to cost me as much as groceries. The extra money form the government woudl be very helpful.