overcome this overwhelming feeling of sadness and lonliness.

I’m struggling so much right now. I’m in love, with a wonderful man, who worships the ground I walk on. He adores me and treats me like a queen. He’s romantic. He’s sweet and sensitive. He’s a big dork, which in my world is perfect. I love his sense of humor. I love that he can be silly and laugh at himself. I love the man that he is. He is wonderful.
Unfortunatly, he has been a bachelor all his life. He’s never been around kids. He doesn’t really have a knack for it. I have 2 wonderful special needs kids. They are more than a challenge. But they love him with all their hearts. They, however, have a temper and are quick witted. They say things, in anger, without thinking, as most kids do. He however, takes these things personally. He thinks they hate him, even though I’ve told him all the wonderful things they say to me about him.
He believes that they hate him. That they don’t want him to live with us and marry me. When they ask for him everyday. They want to know when he’ll be home and can they stay up to see him after he gets off work. I tell him these things, but he still feels like they don’t want him around because of the things they say in anger.
This has made him not want to be around them and not want to deal with them. Its like it keeps building up inside him and he’s not happy anymore. He loves me and wants to be with me. But he doesn’t know how to deal with the kids.
He has known from the beginning that this is a package deal. He can’t have me without the kids. He can’t love me if he doesn’t love the kids. He says he cares about the kids, but can’t show affection. Can’t tell them he loves them. He came from a very strict military family. One where no emotion is allowed. To me that is not and excuse. After a year and a half of being with my kids, he should be able to show affection to them. And not by buying them toys all the time.
So, last week, we broke up. We’ve talked about these issues for months and we’ve tried making it work. But it isn’t working. There’s nothing else we can do. We won’t be getting married and he will be moving out as soon as he can find a place.
I’m completely heartbroken. I know what has to be done. I know we are doing the right thing, but it hurts so bad. Its so horrible a feeling to love someone so much but have to break it off. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to love and protect him. But I have to love and protect my kids first. Its so hard, everyday, not to scream out to him. To keep myself from saying, “Its ok. We’ll figure it out. I love you and I can’t be without you.”
I had all these dreams. About our wedding. Our marriage. Our baby that we were going to adopt. I wanted so badly to make him a daddy. But the truth is, I’ve already tried to give him that, and he couldn’t do it. My kids’ dad isn’t around much and certainly isn’t a role model to them. He had open grounds to be a dad to my kids. And I feel as though he’s not taking it. GOD this sucks. I hate this. I want to be his wife. I want to have another baby. I want to be married to him and live with him for the rest of our lives.
How do I go from having all these wonderful feelings. Being happy and insanely in love. The kind of love that kills diabetics. To being so close to having all of my dreams fulfilled again. To doing it all alone again. Being alone. Raising my kids alone. Not having someone there to love me and hold me and tell me its ok. I don’t want to go back to that. I want so much to be married and live as a wife. I want the package. I want love and support and companionship. I’m heartsick. I can’t do anything anymore without thinking how things are going to be so much different than I’ve gotten used to. I’m trying to retrain my mind not to make plans for our future. I have to retrain myself to not go to him with my feelings and thoughts and daily events of joy and struggles. He cannot be my partner anymore. I hate that. I hate that I’ve lost that again. And I’m so sad. I want so much to go to him and love him and have him wrap his arms around me and tell me that its ok and it’s all a bad dream. But I can’t. I’m alone again. I can no longer confide in anyone. I have to be supermom again and make it on my own.

My fiance of 2 years and I have split up. We aren’t getting married, not having a family, not going to live our lives together. I have lost my partner. My kids have lost a step-dad.

This feeling…isn’t going to go away any time soon.

Having friends that feel the need to include you in their life helps and I have that kind of friends all over the world.

Another cure for this is to start helping strangers, makes you feel useful and not so lonely in the world.

To Quote Jerebel , “completing this goal was not so much something I’ve done but something someone has done for me” :)

I have to say that completing this goal was not so much something I’ve done but something someone has done for me. I met someone whom I am crazy about and have been able to share my life with these past few months. It’s been wonderful, and I’ve left behind this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness. Big hats off to my guy, Chuck. xoxo

I know this must be par for the course in rearranging my life again and moving and whatnot. I can’t help but feeling so lonely sometimes though and recently, it’s been so bad, I can only cry myself to sleep. I’ve not been sleeping very well. I keep waking up and am not able to fall back to sleep. I have so much trouble falling asleep to begin with. I just miss having someone that will wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s okay and let me be weak and overcome. Sometimes, even us Superwomen need that. I have these 3 wonderful people in my life, but I don’t want to burden them with the struggles I’m having. God knows they are doing enough for me right now.
I know part of it is that I’m not working right now and there has been a lot of time spent at home alone this week, but I’ve been struggling with this for a few months now and it just seems to be brought to a head.
I miss so dearly having someone in my life to share all of me. Someone that I can curl up to at night and love completely without restriction. I hold back pieces of me from the ones I love now. I can’t help not to. I’m still so afraid to give all of me to them because it seems so volitile still.
I miss having someone there at the end of the day to hug me and say, “it’s okay, we’ll kick the Earth’s ass together.” Moving North will definitely help with this I know. I’m just struggling right now.