love men but eliminate sexism

I can tell that Mr L really appreciates strong, smart women, including me. When I mentioned that I’d read that it was considered more ladylike in England for women to order half-pints, he said “I like girls who drink pints.” Doesn’t bother me that he uses the word “girl” – I’m at the age when I can appreciate it in fact.

However, there are these other comments, highly original every one, that make me wince: “I have a thing for redheads.” “I like blondes.” (I’m neither, nor do I want to dye my hair, and told him so.) “You look good in glasses. You look even better without.” (My eyes are not compatible with contacts or laser surgery, so I’ll be wearing glasses forever – as will he, btw!)

So, what does one say?

“That’s nice, dear.”
“Sorry, can’t help you with that.”
“Mm, not helpful.”

Nothing is lacking so far in his attention to me, and I think it’s part of his being green and, of course, raised in the same sexist culture we all are… but to me, it’s sort of the equivalent of gawking at other women in public when we’re together. Maybe he just doesn’t realize that it can be hurtful?

Oh, and the redhead one was in the context of a woman in his office he had a thing for (who is also unstable and I’m worried – based on an experience I once had – that she might discover an interest in him once she finds out about me).

Any thoughts?

the first essay in the late David Foster Wallace’s Consider the Lobster last night. It’s about the porn industry, specifically about Wallace’s visit to the Adult Video News Awards, porn’s answer to the Academy Awards gala. The essay’s brilliant and human, non-moralistic and yet very critical of aspects of the industry that clearly warrant criticism. Definitely good reading for women as well as men, that is, for all us people trying to understand the mysteries of the human condition.

It made me love men who’d think and feel and write and question like that.

that Google put an ad for “Eliminate Butt Fat” on this page?

are not afraid of smart women; some even like us for being smart. Some can ask good questions without having to fear for their own masculinity.

There’s hope.

New research on why gay couples on average get along better than straight ones (and what straight couples might learn from them). Go figure: no sexism! (well, negligible anyway)

I totally love it.

for some of my wonderful male friends:

RI, who was a perfect job-hunting mentor
AW, who is unafraid of women’s sexuality
SM, who sees me as a musician
MZ, the very best listener
RT, who taught me to develop and love my own voice
RS, boldly unique, and an ally to many women
TD, my oldest friend, who has always stood by me

why so many – not all – very bright men I know and like are such big talkers, and won’t let me get a word in edgewise? I am not a shrinking violet, but I’m not the world’s fastest talker, and I often get cut off before I’m done, but there’s much more than that. I am just sick of one-sided conversations, especially those that culminate in someone making a pass at me.

And why do they seem to show so little basic curiosity about me? The guy I dated earlier this year swore up and down that he was in love with me, but he couldn’t have answered the most basic questions about my life, my family, my beliefs. He just never asked. And in the end, he didn’t even know how I felt about him – about this, and about many other things, he had an image of me, and he just assumed x, y, and z. How is that love? (I called him on it, the night we broke up. He just looked baffled.)

Do I just attract people who are that self-centered? If so, why? What is going on in these guys’ heads? I really would love some insights here.

People do not like to be called on their shit. Sexism is not the fault of any individuals; it’s learned behavior, seeping into us from society. So society needs to support men’s strengths, appreciate their lovingkindness, their ability to connect with one another, their equal relationships with women. We need to combat the mistaken idea that men are losing something (e.g., power) by allowing women to be full human beings. We need to help men heal from where they have been hurt by sexism. We need to help women feel safe enough to support men in this effort.

Help me out here, what else do we need to do?